The first of many...
It seems a bit odd to want to start a blog on Friday the 13th, but for some reason I felt today to be a perfect day to start. The past week has filled my mind with so many thoughts and questions that I have spent hours just sitting and thinking. The incredible part is that I have yet to reach any real answers or conclusions.
Tuesday night, Tony called me from Iraq to let me know he was coming home soon. It was really great to hear from him as I had worried many nights about his whereabouts and safety. I asked him if he had gotten my last few emails but he said he never recieved them. It figures, yahoo eats nealy half of my outgoing emails. I sent him an email last fall when he told me he was going to be home for a few months, asking him for specific dates so I could visit him. Unfortunately that was one of the letters that got missing in the confusion. As we talked I started telling him how great it would be to see him when he dropped the bomb on me that he had gotten married when he came home. He said he met a girl and within 3 months married her. I don't think it really settled in me what he had done until I asked him how she looked and he replied "She well...she looks like you". How do you process something like that? I guess to most people that doesn't seem like a comment to get worked up about but for years he asked me to date him and for years I turned him now. Not for lack of affection, which I think is pretty obvious by now, but because I never felt like I was right for him. He was always so sweet, and kind and one of the most admirable people I had ever met. He always seemed fragile and I was afraid I would break him. When he went to Iraq, I saw him change. War really breaks a man. His letters would have me in tears when he would describe the things he saw and somehow he didn't seem so fragile anymore. So yes, I started to see him in a different light. I asked him why he didn't invite me to the wedding and he said the only way you would be invited to a wedding of mine is if you were the bride. (yes he asked me to marry him once) He finished our conversation with "I love you" to which I replied the same. So a fair question to ask at this point is do I care for him? And the answer is yes, but I still believe I could never be what he needs in his life. Now he needs a wife and I know I couldn't be that for any man...at least not any day soon. I believe God does things for a reason and for once, I think I understand.
So from one man to another. The story of my life! I have spent alot of time thinking about my feelings toward Michael. He is a sweet man, endearing, interesting and able to hold an intellegent conversation. Someone with goals, which is lacking severely in this diplorable world. But lately I feel like I am boring him, losing his interest. We don't talk much, well we haven't talked at all on the phone in over 2 weeks. He is a busy man with school and work but I can't help the overwhelming feeling that maybe I am doing something wrong. One reoccuring pattern I noticed with my ex's was that they said I was too aloof and detached at times so I have been trying to be more open and honest about my feelings but honestly I feel like I am crowding him. Also I think back to times when I was with someone and didn't recognize the signs of a dying relationship and ended up the last one to know things were over. I hate that feeling. It feels like being abandoned and I don't want to deal with that again. I would rather leave before things get bad than be left. He says I have dominant side (which I completely agree with) and he is waiting for me to test him. I am not sure if that is a challenge or a warning. Add to that 2 failed attempts to have a weekend with him and you get a woman who is about at her wits end. But still I keep holding on, despite my own fears and the introduction of a couple new men who are whispering pretty words my way. For some reason I believe in him. I can't explain it but I do. I care about him more than I want to admit.
Then from 2 men to the future. So the application is in and all thats left is to send the check and my statement of purpose. I pray to God I get in to school again. My parents can't understand why I want to go back to my old college when the one right down the street offers a similar program. I think being away will force me to be completely independant in a way that being at home could never do for me. My brother may be attending the same school, which I honestly don't mind. I don't want to help him but I do want to be there to catch him if he falls. Yeah I can be a sap of a big sister when I want to be. So why graduate school? Why this school? Those are the questions I have to address in this statement I have to send in. I hear it's just to test your thinking and writing skills and honestly they don't care what you write as long as it is coherent. I want to put a little more into it. I want my professors to see the potential in me that I see in myself when I look in the mirror. I have dreams of seeing more than the foothills and coast lines of NC. I want to move to Atlanta or Florida. Orlando has always captured my attention as a potential future home. I need to get my Masters degree to be able to have the mobility I want and I know I won't be doing anything better in the next 2 years. I think the panic is in knowing I will be alone. No friends to go off to college with, no security of being in a dorm full of girls I know. Sink or swim time. I'm not ready yet but I will be.
Wow this post is monsterous. Sad thing is that if my fingers weren't so tired, I'd type more.
Tuesday night, Tony called me from Iraq to let me know he was coming home soon. It was really great to hear from him as I had worried many nights about his whereabouts and safety. I asked him if he had gotten my last few emails but he said he never recieved them. It figures, yahoo eats nealy half of my outgoing emails. I sent him an email last fall when he told me he was going to be home for a few months, asking him for specific dates so I could visit him. Unfortunately that was one of the letters that got missing in the confusion. As we talked I started telling him how great it would be to see him when he dropped the bomb on me that he had gotten married when he came home. He said he met a girl and within 3 months married her. I don't think it really settled in me what he had done until I asked him how she looked and he replied "She well...she looks like you". How do you process something like that? I guess to most people that doesn't seem like a comment to get worked up about but for years he asked me to date him and for years I turned him now. Not for lack of affection, which I think is pretty obvious by now, but because I never felt like I was right for him. He was always so sweet, and kind and one of the most admirable people I had ever met. He always seemed fragile and I was afraid I would break him. When he went to Iraq, I saw him change. War really breaks a man. His letters would have me in tears when he would describe the things he saw and somehow he didn't seem so fragile anymore. So yes, I started to see him in a different light. I asked him why he didn't invite me to the wedding and he said the only way you would be invited to a wedding of mine is if you were the bride. (yes he asked me to marry him once) He finished our conversation with "I love you" to which I replied the same. So a fair question to ask at this point is do I care for him? And the answer is yes, but I still believe I could never be what he needs in his life. Now he needs a wife and I know I couldn't be that for any man...at least not any day soon. I believe God does things for a reason and for once, I think I understand.
So from one man to another. The story of my life! I have spent alot of time thinking about my feelings toward Michael. He is a sweet man, endearing, interesting and able to hold an intellegent conversation. Someone with goals, which is lacking severely in this diplorable world. But lately I feel like I am boring him, losing his interest. We don't talk much, well we haven't talked at all on the phone in over 2 weeks. He is a busy man with school and work but I can't help the overwhelming feeling that maybe I am doing something wrong. One reoccuring pattern I noticed with my ex's was that they said I was too aloof and detached at times so I have been trying to be more open and honest about my feelings but honestly I feel like I am crowding him. Also I think back to times when I was with someone and didn't recognize the signs of a dying relationship and ended up the last one to know things were over. I hate that feeling. It feels like being abandoned and I don't want to deal with that again. I would rather leave before things get bad than be left. He says I have dominant side (which I completely agree with) and he is waiting for me to test him. I am not sure if that is a challenge or a warning. Add to that 2 failed attempts to have a weekend with him and you get a woman who is about at her wits end. But still I keep holding on, despite my own fears and the introduction of a couple new men who are whispering pretty words my way. For some reason I believe in him. I can't explain it but I do. I care about him more than I want to admit.
Then from 2 men to the future. So the application is in and all thats left is to send the check and my statement of purpose. I pray to God I get in to school again. My parents can't understand why I want to go back to my old college when the one right down the street offers a similar program. I think being away will force me to be completely independant in a way that being at home could never do for me. My brother may be attending the same school, which I honestly don't mind. I don't want to help him but I do want to be there to catch him if he falls. Yeah I can be a sap of a big sister when I want to be. So why graduate school? Why this school? Those are the questions I have to address in this statement I have to send in. I hear it's just to test your thinking and writing skills and honestly they don't care what you write as long as it is coherent. I want to put a little more into it. I want my professors to see the potential in me that I see in myself when I look in the mirror. I have dreams of seeing more than the foothills and coast lines of NC. I want to move to Atlanta or Florida. Orlando has always captured my attention as a potential future home. I need to get my Masters degree to be able to have the mobility I want and I know I won't be doing anything better in the next 2 years. I think the panic is in knowing I will be alone. No friends to go off to college with, no security of being in a dorm full of girls I know. Sink or swim time. I'm not ready yet but I will be.
Wow this post is monsterous. Sad thing is that if my fingers weren't so tired, I'd type more.
posted by J. | 10:40 PM
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