A restless mind

So I decided to take a break from the mind numbing world of grad school essays to write more of my thoughts that I was too tired to do last night.

I started a search for female friends on the BDSM site I frequent. I started thinking sometime I ago that might be part of my problem. I need a female friend who understands the feelings and thoughts I have at times. This is a complicated lifestyle and talking to men sometimes only complicates it even more. I did have a great male friend for several years but he seemed to have fallen off the face of the planet. I'll add more about him later. I just hope these women don't think I am talking to them because I want to have sex. I know that is cliche'd but it wouldn't be the first time that has happened to me. I try to talk to my best friend, April, about things but she doesn't really understand. To her and some of my other friends its just whips and chains. So when I tell them I don't really get in to whips and chains, they get confused. The look on their faces is almost classic. But then again if everyone understood, it would take away some of the taboo and secretiveness. I don't care what anyone says, most people enjoy this lifestyle simply because it is different, and out of the norm. If it were part of the norm it would be boring and average. Imagine that, me being "average". Sometimes I will pass a man in the mall and think "he must be dominant". Do other people think like that? See...that's why I need a new friend.

The subject of friends who share an interest in BDSM has been a rather sensitive subject for the past few months. My friend, the afore mentioned man, is Aaron. We actually met online in a role play chat room and just went from there. He lives a couple hours from here and is close in age to me, so it was only natural that we would become instant friends. I think we met about 5 years ago. I am horrible with dates and times but that sounds pretty close. We talked all the time and I mean that. For hours on the phone or online a day. The only real issue I had with Aaron was his reluctance to meet me in person. It took him 2 years to actually stop feeding me excuses and lies and finally meet me. I didn't know what the big deal was and honestly I still don't. Well, I take that back. That was until his girlfriend contacted me. I had no idea he had a girlfriend and apparently she didn't know about me either. You would think men would try to be more forthcoming in things like that because like my grandma would say "it all comes out in the wash". So he stopped calling, stopped writing and so forth. And yes it hurts. In fact it hurts like hell because she gave him and ultimatum and he accepted it. Makes me wonder if he was ever my friend to begin with. So what does all of this mean? It means that if I can't trust a man, a friend, someone I considered to be almost as close as my best friend....then who can I trust? April says I project those feelings on to Michael and every other man I have met and yes, maybe I do. But never, ever do I want to feel the way I felt when he stopped calling for 3 months and ignored my calls. How do you stop caring? I know I can't. I don't stop caring of loving anyone. If I do, then it means I never cared or loved them to begin with. Isn't that what love is? Patient, kind, never ending? (Pauses to google that quote from the Bible)

Love is patient, Love is kind,
It does not envy, it does not boast,
It is not proud, It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.

Love always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.

Love bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends.
Corinthians 13 : 4 - 8

Yes I was paying attention in church. So if that is all true then why would you toss away a friendship for a girlfriend he describes as "overbearing"? So I asked. (of course you knew I asked...I always do) He said he is afraid no woman will ever love and marry him so he sticks with her. How sad and pathetic. I pray I never find myself in those shoes. I'd rather be alone than settle because I don't feel I am good enough to be loved by someone decent. But he has his own issues to deal with I suppose.

I still have boxes sitting in the corner of my room left from college. I graduated in May 2005 so I suppose it's time to unpack them and ship things off to goodwill. I just don't have the motivation to touch them. Maybe that's what I will do with my day off tomorrow. Oh and take down the Christmas tree. Yeah that sucker is still up.