Deserving heart

Lately I have been very happy to be able to confide in one of my co-workers about the lifestyle and all the drama that comes with it. She doesn't understand it or is a part of it so I spend quite a bit of time when we are talking explaining things to her. I don't mind. I am just happy to have someone to talk to who isn't a part of all of this. When we talk she asks the questions I would expect my friends to ask, if they didn't already know the answers. The other day during lunch I told her about my experiences with poly and she gave a long pause before asking "Why don't you think you are good enough to have a man to yourself?" Her question was shocking to me. But of course I think I am good enough. And the more I tried to explain it to her, the more quiet and frustrated I had become. Here days later I am wondering to myself, "Do I really think I am not good enough to have a man all my own?" It's a shocking and mildly painful question to ask and ponder. I wonder if I somehow subconsciously I have felt this way for sometime, if at all. I have thought of moving into another poly relationship but I dream of a man, my man, and one day my husband...the father of my children. I guess this is all intensified by watching episodes of Big Love and thinking about how women will do things they don't want (plural marriages) for the men they love. So much has been on my mind lately and so much has been weighing on my heart. I don't have an answer for this right now but I never want to feel from this day forward that I made a decision because I didn't think I deserved more. I am starting to feel the apex of many of my issues is that I have not demanded more. I have not demanded people meet me at my level. My heart is so heavy right now....