Sunday, sunday, sunday!

It's Sunday. It surely doesn't feel like one. I guess that's because tomorrow is MLK day and I am off. I had the chance to get a 3 day weekend. I'll pay for it next weekend I am sure. I went to the mall this afternoon with my parents. It wasn't too bad. I just hate going to the mall with my momma because she bitches about crowds. Duh. Mall. But they had pillow toppers on sale and honestly if I didn't already have one I would have bought one myself. I came back home and visited the message board of a room I visit to find someone didn't like my opinion of a concern I had. Yeah it ruffled me a bit but not like it used to. As weeks and months pass, I find myself increasingly bored with the chat room. I hate to say I have outgrown it, because that would insinuate that it's some how "juvenile", but that's how I feel. I sometimes feel that people put more attention into that room than their real lives and when I have a complaint it's because I don't rp in there enough or I don't spend enough time in there. Well guess what? I got living to do. But I can't condemn them for their thoughts because at one time I felt the same way. All in our own time right? It is an oasis from day to day troubles but when it becomes day to day life, it becomes a drug and a crutch. It sorta inspires me to do research. That might be an idea for my thesis. One of my professors used to be fascinated at my research ideas. I think he would like that one. But back on topic, I have been thinking of just putting up my character and leaving. There really isn't much reason to stay. I can keep in touch with the people I want to through messengers, email and phone. I guess the heartbreak is all in the action of leaving. I have been doing it for years. Guess it's like quitting smoking. It's the habit, not the addiction, you have to break.

Later this evening, April and I went to a sports bar to watch the Panthers play. (Oh they won!) I had to teach her football calls which I really enjoyed because it's not often girls get to teach someone else, male or female, football. The place was packed and I had a ball. I even tried corona with lime. (For those who don't know, I don't drink) It's not bad. Its not a margarita but still, not bad. I miss watching sports with college guys who give you hazy glances and drunk waves. The longing of days past!

So I did meet a lovely submissive who lives a couple hours from me. I found her profile on the website and loved her words the minute I read them. It was cold honesty about who she was and what she was looking for. She is collared and 21 which astounds me. How often do you see a collared girl who is only 21? I am looking forward to talking with her more. I also got 3 messages from 3 different guys today. Now that's not unusual, I get a bunch of messages from men on that site. But what makes these 3 different is that they actually seemed...dare I say it? Interesting! One even sent me his phone number. That made me a little nervous, considering he didn't even know my name but he figured since we were local it would be fine. I replied to them all and told them I was interested in someone else but I didn't mind talking to them. They seemed very grateful for my honesty and wanted to still talk. That was a nice change of pace. Normally I get a nice string of insults and curses when I tell people that and they ask why I keep my profile up. I have my reasons.

So I did speak to Michael last night for a few minutes before he had to go to work and he agreed that I needed some more of his attention. He also said that I wasn't boring him or crowding him which has calmed my fears dramatically. Dramatically, not completely. I tried to tell him in the most profound way I could how much I want to serve him and make him happy. I hate feeling like this...vulnerable. I am used to having the power, calling the shots and letting men know I am a damn good submissive, one of the best in the business. I named the time and the place and they complied. But now I find myself waiting and almost begging to for his attention. It makes me want to cry at times. It makes me second guess myself. And this too shall pass..or at least that's what I am praying for.

Sometimes I wish I could sit down with God and ask "where are you taking me?"..."Am I doing this right?"..."Am I wasting my time?". Sometimes I feel so alone, like he hears my tears but doesn't have time to answer and other times I feel like he dropped the answer on me like a ton of bricks. I just never know what kind of moment is coming. I want to go back to church but churches make me nervous. People start to probe into your life and ask you a million questions, one always being for money. I actually would like to find my old pastor. She was a good listener. I told her about losing my virginity and she was so understanding and didn't give me a long speech about it. I think I might try looking her up tomorrow.

These long posts are killing my fingers. I wish I could rattle like this on my grad school essays. They are nothing more than outlines on notebook paper. I think that will be my main task for tomorrow. Yeah, just like it was for the past 3 days.