Curveball...

How do you go from caring so much about one man to becoming interested in another in a matter of weeks? I don't know. I wish I did. It would cut down on the frustration that is going on with me. Since meeting Eric I have literally spoken with him every day. I am going to Charlotte on friday to spend the weekend with him and attend my first play party. I am very excited and yet very nervous at the same time about going to the event. Eric will be the only person I know there and in all honesty, I am still learning him. He wants to spank me at the party. I find him very interesting. I find that he finds me interesting to be even more interesting. He has sparked a part of my submission that hasn't be piqued in a very very long time. I find him desirable and irritating at the same time. His sarcasm makes me want to throw him out of window but there is a sweet part of him that is slowly coming out. It's interesting to watch the dynamics at work. I was supposed to do report on the Socratic Method and how it relates to BDSM but I decided to clean my room instead. Not that I didn't think doing the paper was important, just that I thought cleaning my room was more important. It was starting to become uninhabitable. You can see the floor again! Actually the idea of doing a paper frustrates me. I feel like I can learn this just fine without having to waste, and yes I feel it is a waste, a couple hours of my day to do it. But I am trying to prove to him and more importantly to myself that yes I can be a good submissive and I can do as I am told. I want to be the submissive I feel I am inside. I just don't want to wake up one day a realize I have followed another dead end and found another man who only has momentary interest in me, that is until someone better comes along. I am reluctant to give him the kind of control that I really want to give. I don't want to be hurt. And where I stand now, that is very possible.

So what of Michael (Sir)? Well that is a relationship that took an odd turn. Somewhere along the line things started to fizzle. Actually, he got too comfortable. The calls stopped coming and the IM's had ceased. In fact I didn't talk to him for over a week. Why? Because he left his cell phone in someone elses car. I still care very much for him but I feel that because of his job and school, maybe now is not a good time for him to be a relationship. Especially not one of this nature. I need his time and his attention. I feel greedy when I say those things but too long have I been the one to sit on the backburner and for once it would be nice to be someone's main focus. He knows about my trip this weekend and is very supportive of it. If anything, that makes me like him more.

The job hunt continues but now I am waiting to hear back from the colleges I sent my grad school applications to. I am praying that soon I will be accepted to at least one of them and on my way to a better career and a better life. One that includes independant living. I miss my freedom so much it hurts at times. Lately, it seems whenever I am on the phone people in the house want to talk. They have sniffed out that I am talking to a man (Eric) on the phone and suddenly have become interested in my calls. Now I remember why I don't bring anyone home. I think my mother is upset that I have not talked to her about any of the men in my life but we have never had that kind of mother/daughter relationship and honestly I cannot say I am interested in starting one now. I told her a few things about him so she wouldn't feel out of the loop however. I guess she is trying and that counts for something.

It getting late and I am too tired to take a bath now so I think I will pop up early in the morning and get one then. I have a busy week this week with work and getting ready for this trip, so I will need all the rest I can get.