Concrete thoughts on abstract subjects

When I started this blog umteen years ago it was a chore, but somehow over the years has turned in to something I am happy I decided to keep. I made a mistake over 2 years ago by letting a former dominant read it, which in turn has caused me to censor what I say. I feel a need lately to have a safe place to really express myself and after many failed attempts in other venues, I find myself back here.

It's November and I couldn't be happier to see this clusterfuck of a year wrap up. I feel ready to start over in a way I don't think I ever have in past years. I feel stuck in a rut. I feel like I am in the world alone and I feel so utterly unhappy that I fear I may truly be diagnosed with depression. I feel like I fighting my unhappy feelings by forcing giggles and smiles but I am starting to see that many people are seeing through the facade. But then again, I don't think I care as much lately about hiding it either. I want to express my unhappiness to my local friends and they all seem to give me the "ohh just cheer up" or "you should be better". But what if I am not? Then what? I do miss my friends from NC. They seem to be able to relate and understand better. I miss home. I miss it so much in fact I am willing to move back as soon as I find a job that pays comparably. I feel like coming to CA was a mistake. Well some days I don't. Sometimes I feel like God sent me here for a reason and I keep waiting for the sign but I don't see it. I don't understand why I am here. When I broke up with O , I still had Sunshine and now that she has moved back in with them I feel more lonely than ever before. Its a deafening feeling. I want to tell people about my feeling but the truth is I don't think anyone cares. I am tired of being told what I should and should not feel. I feel bitter about O ignoring me. I have no idea why and he won't tell me. I feel like maybe I should attempt to not be a submissive but its hard to turn off. I feel like maybe I should seek counseling but I am afraid of meeting a therapist who will tell me that my desire for BDSM is some fucked up childhood thing. I want to go away for a while. I wonder if next year will be better. I feel like it couldn't be worst but I don't want to put it out in the world. I have gained almost 30 lbs this year. My knees are in pain almost constantly. My job is stressful. My God its moments like this when i wonder why I haven't ended this already.