Silence

One of the things I sometimes, often times, wonder is how different would things be for me here in CA if I had said nothing about how I was feeling in my last relationship. If I had just been silent and when he asked if anything was wrong given the standard "nothing" answer. While I don't suspect I would have been much happier, I would have at least had people to spend time with. I remember eons ago when Hunter had me to set up this blog he said I never said how I was feeling or what I was thinking. I have had few guys tell me that and it seems the one time I did it exploded like an atom bomb. Now normally I would say that is a one time experience but yesterday I realised that people really don't care to hear about how you "really" feel. I believe most people are only capable of having superficial discussions. They don't want to hear about how you feel about a real situation. Especially not on the matters of D/s. They are not interested in what I have to say as a sub because well, I am just a lowly sub. This was never more apparent than when I explained my desire to be with an educated man with a college degree and how it has been my life experience that those who don't have one cannot relate to nearly 7 years of my 28 year life. She said that was a "fucked up" thought to which I kinda had to laugh. Is it? Or it is just so honest it is difficult to hear? It's just like models who only want to date hot guys. Who is sitting around telling her its a "fucked up" thought? No fucking body. Because somehow, somewhere it was ok to discriminate on looks but not on intelligence. I even spoke about how I desired to go on a 10 day silent retreat to think about some issues I was having to which the reply was "Why do you need that" My first answer was to say "Because talking to you all has gotten me exactly no where so why not try something else" but why stir the pot. So I have decided from this day out to just shut up and shut down. Besides I looked at my mental health benefits and I figure I should be able to afford a decent psychologist if, when, the time is ready. I figure my next D/s relationship will resemble more of my past ones. I'll solve my conflicts on my own. How silly of me to expect a Dominant to do so. I'll keep my "fucked up" ideas between me, this blog and God. And maybe my college friends who would actually understand. It just seems like not talking for a while would be alot easier. My co-worker says he misses happy J and well that makes two of us. So starting today I am gonna fake it, til I make it. I guess that works right? I am eager to try to this out and see what happens from here out.