Lonely vs. Being Alone

You know it has to be something significant going on in my life for me to come back and post. I suppose I really should have been posting all along. My aunt passed yesterday and having lost momma less than 2 years ago, I am feeling completely broken. What's most painful is the fact that I have realized that for perhaps the first time in my 32 years, I realize that I am alone. I felt lonely many times in my life but I knew there was someone to lean on but now I actually recognize that I am alone. There are no boyfriends, no back ups, no dominants, no submissives, no flirty maybes. Nothing. I suppose I have been so deeply tied to my school work that I some how missed it. I forgot to find a back up. It feels a bit irresponsible of me. I like to think I am better prepared. But given that I am not even sure where to start, I suppose I can't be too hard on myself. I am not sure I know how to date or where to look. That is a dilemma to solve another day. Even Bob doesn't talk to me much anymore. I don't think I have heard much from him since August.

So yeah...I am alone.

So it's been a while...

So it's been over a year since I have bothered to pen anything here. It's been quite an eventful year. I am currently inactive in the lifestyle. I actually moved across country and started a PhD program. I started to realize that the people I was around were poison to me and I could feel myself falling deeper in a hole that I knew eventually I wouldn't be able to pull myself out of. I don't think anything can compare to the depth of my depression the last 6 months before I moved. I felt alone, betrayed, unloved and abandoned. I had been blamed for everything under the sun and honestly I would have been fine with that if I actually had done any of it. LOL  I felt a weight lift off my shoulders when I moved and started school. It felt "lighter" and more natural than anything I had attempted to do in the last 3 years. Doctoral studies are a bitch. I sit up for hours reading, writing, thinking, kicking and screaming. However, every one of those moments are still better than the times I spent belittling myself by trying to be like people who I was never meant to be like.

In the last year I also lost my mother. It hurts every single day. Sometimes I "forget" she is gone and it hurts all over again when I remember. I sometimes feel bad that I never shared this part of my life with her but in some aspects, I think I am happy knowing she left here without that burden. Even in my sorrow of missing her encouragement and witty sarcasm I am still happier now than I was then.

I tried to go to a local dungeon and found the place to be utterly boring and painful to be in. It's hard moving from a big city scene to a small country one. They get excited about shibari. I yawn. The women dress up like they are going to wal-mart. The men were oddly snobbish and monogamous. Bleh. Plus I actually had to pay to go to the dungeon. I'll pass.

So that is were life is now. I am a week away from my first Thanksgiving without my mother. It's hard but I am grateful for the moments we had before she left. I am also grateful for the shit I had to deal with during the last 3 years. It put me on a better track.

I need to write again

I talked to a girl the other day who felt she needed to take her poems off the internet because her former Dom didn't like them. Ha! Doesn't that sound familiar? So I have decided to reopen this blog and write again. I want to continue to tell the truth and grow in my journey. So here I am. Making my stand in this little corner of the internet. This time will be different. That is for damn sure.

New Skin

So one of the things I have held on to all these years in my journey is that everyone that ever hurt me would one day have the favor returned to them. And I would pray that I would be around to get my laughs in and say a big "I told you so!" The last few weeks have given rise to such occasions. And while I should be busy laughing and pointing the finger like an obnoxious school yard bully I just don't feel the same way about it anymore. I feel sad for them. Eric got cheated on by his trailer park whore and while I do find some small comedy in it, I can tell from his sad pathetic blog posts that he is quite hurt. So instead of laughing, I offered to take him to lunch. Why? Hell if I know. But I felt like he could use a friend. Eh. Getting soft in my old age. Or maybe God has seen way to heal some old scars while I wasn't looking. I even found out today that Darius is engaged to a professor! Ha! That nigga always did know how to find someone to take care of his ass. And while I feel completely sorry for the woman because she has NO clue about her "man", I don't feel any irritation or anger for him. Who am I to hate the player? I don't get it and I don't understand. I guess my old skin and shedding and making way for a new one. It feels good to smile and know that something awesome is in the works. It has to, to feel this good about holding out a hand to someone who kicked me down. Does it make me better than them? Yeah. It kinda does. And there ain't no shame in that.

New Direction

I have been threatening to close this blog for the last couple of years and yet I find myself inevitably coming back to it. I have found I have a need to write and express myself. I feel better when I get it out and leave it all on the floor. But I think I need a new direction with my blog. This blog was started to be a place to write my BDSM adventures. However as time passes, I want to write about more than the lifestyle. The lifestyle is slowly taking a back seat to other things in my life and well, I want to talk about those other things. So I am going to create a new blog! Yay! I am actually super excited about this one because it does give me the opportunity to really let the real J come out. I am still building it. I am so excited I can't even decide on a background..LOL. So my writing here will slow down significantly as I start on this new blog and new venture. I am starting my new year a little early :)

Vulnerable Me

I hate being so vulnerable...
So exposed to the world. To its nit-picking, and judging eyes and critical looks. I hate being being so ...open.

I am crazy and confused and complex. I curse too much and laugh too hard at bad jokes. I waste too much time dreaming and not enough time doing. I yell things I don't mean to people who don't deserve it and not enough at those who do. I don't apologize enough. I apologize too much. I ran away from my family only to miss them every day that I have been gone. I am too competitive and yet never seem interested in winning. I'm just me and I love me as much as I criticize everything about my being. And yet I find it all just a little too much to just step out and give you a piece of ....this...

I hate being so vulnerable...
I love my submission but fear becoming the scapegoat. I fear that this potpourri of me is more than either could stand and yet I constantly want to show and tell, run and hide, hide and seek.
And yet when I try to condense 10220 days of living into 2 or 3 sentences on a page, in a text, on an email, in my voice it seems there's nothing to tell.
So I leave it on the table. Everything. Leaving nothing to waste. It's unnerving how interesting he finds it all, or at least amusing.

I hate being so vulnerable...
But it's my best part. The most pure part of an already clouded mind and troubled soul. It's all I hope to give him, if fear would just take a back seat...for just a minuscule moment.

Just vulnerable me.

Nathaniel

I am a strong believer that God puts people in our lives for a distinct reason. I don't believe in mistakes. At least not on His end.

So it should come as no surprise to me that my co-worker Nathaniel is one of those people. We have always been very close, considering we are only 2 years apart as opposed to the ages of the other members on our team. People actually ask if there is something wrong when they don't see us together. When I started working for the company he was married. In fact, it was his wife who introduced us and me to the job. But they have since broken up and things have changed a bit between us. At least for me. He has really opened my eyes to the kind of man I have been desiring but not really looking for. He isn't in the lifestyle, but he is dominant through and through. And as time has started to pass he has made note of my submission. Our mornings usually start something like this:

Me: "I'm going to go get my breakfast"

Nathaniel: "Are you coming back here to eat with me?"

Me: "Would you like for me to do that?"

Nathaniel: "Yes."

Me: "Ok. Be right back."

I walk behind him. He opens my doors. He scratches my back. I sit at his desk simply because he tells me to sit there. Its odd, its uncomfortable, its refreshing. I don't feel the need to ask alot of questions. I don't feel like he lies. He wants a family, marriage...all the things I want. I feel so happy to be around him. He makes me feel ok about my relationship desires. I am just trying not to fall for him. And so far I don't think I have that worry. So yeah I am feeling pretty darn great.