So it's been a while...

So it's been over a year since I have bothered to pen anything here. It's been quite an eventful year. I am currently inactive in the lifestyle. I actually moved across country and started a PhD program. I started to realize that the people I was around were poison to me and I could feel myself falling deeper in a hole that I knew eventually I wouldn't be able to pull myself out of. I don't think anything can compare to the depth of my depression the last 6 months before I moved. I felt alone, betrayed, unloved and abandoned. I had been blamed for everything under the sun and honestly I would have been fine with that if I actually had done any of it. LOL  I felt a weight lift off my shoulders when I moved and started school. It felt "lighter" and more natural than anything I had attempted to do in the last 3 years. Doctoral studies are a bitch. I sit up for hours reading, writing, thinking, kicking and screaming. However, every one of those moments are still better than the times I spent belittling myself by trying to be like people who I was never meant to be like.

In the last year I also lost my mother. It hurts every single day. Sometimes I "forget" she is gone and it hurts all over again when I remember. I sometimes feel bad that I never shared this part of my life with her but in some aspects, I think I am happy knowing she left here without that burden. Even in my sorrow of missing her encouragement and witty sarcasm I am still happier now than I was then.

I tried to go to a local dungeon and found the place to be utterly boring and painful to be in. It's hard moving from a big city scene to a small country one. They get excited about shibari. I yawn. The women dress up like they are going to wal-mart. The men were oddly snobbish and monogamous. Bleh. Plus I actually had to pay to go to the dungeon. I'll pass.

So that is were life is now. I am a week away from my first Thanksgiving without my mother. It's hard but I am grateful for the moments we had before she left. I am also grateful for the shit I had to deal with during the last 3 years. It put me on a better track.