"A journey of a thousand miles..."

"...begins with a single step."

I read that proverb years ago on a fortune cookie and found that to be one of the truest sayings I have ever heard. Of course things on fortune cookies hardly ever tend to make sense to any one until they are in dire straits and clinging on to every wise word they ever heard to get them through a situation. I guess that's when this saying popped into my mind. Lately the days seem to lose minutes, hours. I feel like there is never enough time to get anything done. Unfortunately when there is enough time, I don't have enough energy to do much more than roll over and slap the alarm clock. To say I am tired is an understatement. I am exhausted. I am going on fumes. Work has picked up because of our up coming inventory and grad school deadlines are closing in on me fast. Unfortunately, due to money issues, I have had to apply to another program that is at a college here in town. It hurts to know I might have to do a different program but I suppose a degree is a degree. Actually the idea of living at home for another year or 2 is the most depressing part. Momma has become increasingly unbearable and I can't tell if its the menopause or just her general irritation at her own mistakes. I am willing to bet its a bit of both. She wants to go back to school next semester as well and I would love for her to do that. But I know her nature. She won't. She never finishes anything. Daddy says the reason she is continuously angry at me is because I am her opposite. I am independent, she is dependent. I like to finish tasks, and she can't. I see that more and more as I get older, unfortunately it causes tension in the house and I can't see myself being able to do as well in school as I would like with that lingering in the air. But fortunately for me there is time and a professor at my alma mater who would love to have me back. Hopefully he can pull a few strings and make a way for me to come back.

I haven't seen Sir since my birthday and I am missing him. His schedule is a bitch and we do well to even squeeze in a phone call a week. So me, with my bright ideas, decided to find myself a friend to talk BDSM with. So the first guy I met is S. S is a nice guy, with a vanilla girlfriend. At first I found him to be a real ass but over time he has evolved into an okay guy. Last night he mentioned the idea of a non sexual D/s relationship. (side note: he doesn't believe much in Sir and thinks I should leave him. Long story behind that) It was a flattering request but one I declined for obvious reasons. The second guy is E. I am just learning E and in fact will be (hopefully) meeting him for dinner for the first time next weekend. He is very much into the meet and greet scene. He goes to munches and meetings and is relatively new to the area. However I get the feeling he thinks I am seeking more than his friendship. Its a frustrating process. As Sir said to me once...all men are looking for sex. Even the friends. Know what sucks? He's right. I can only name one male friend who isn't gay who has never approached me about sex but he has this fascination with my ass that makes me nervous from time to time. That too is another story. LOL I miss having a man to lean on and express my side of things. Of course I can tell Sir but I would like that third person again. Like I had with my friend Aaron, who I am writing out of my life. Literally.

He hasn't bothered to call or write in over 4 months. *motions to my proverb* So I have decided to stop calling him...stop worrying over him and write him a letter. I saw a episode of Dr. Phil that really hit home. (usually I hate his dribble) He was telling a group of women that the closure they were looking for from men who had done them wrong was never coming so they had to create their own. So for me, I have decided to spend an hour or so at Starbucks and pen out a letter on my stationary which I usually save for special occasions and say my goodbyes. Letters are something special to me. In this day and age of electronic mail and cell phones, I find handwritten letters to be something of significance. He probably won't. But all I can do it try. And I have tried. Now it's time to bow out gracefully. It feels right though. I have shed all my tears, I have finished my rants and raves and now...all I want is my closure. One step.

Ohh and I started taking vitamins again. Two steps.

And I bought file folders to organize my finances so I can actually itemize my taxes next year. Three steps.

One step at a time...