Disappointment

Tonight I am sitting here in a state of complete and utter disappointment. Not that this is a new feeling but it's an upsetting feeling, considering its source. Chats with Eric this weekend have been less than delighting. In fact they have been irritating. I get the feeling he has been drinking rather heavily. He doesn't remember half of the conversation and has been mumbling into the phone sometimes drifting off into pointless conversations that have nothing to do with what we were talking about in the first place. I got so pissed that I hung up on him, only to call back later and apologize. When I told him that his attitude had hurt my feelings the only thing that he could respond with was that he wasn't in a talkative mood. I then asked him why he couldn't have just told me so and I could have just found someone else to talk to. I think my response caught him off guard. In fact he said it was "interesting". The last thing that I want him to do is get comfortable with the idea that he is the only man I can and do talk with. Drunkedness bothers me. It upsets me. How can I submit to a man who cannot even control himself when he drinks? And what if he is drinking because something has upset him? Call me selfish, but the last thing I want to do is take on his problems, especially if they lead him to drink like that. He claims he wasn't that drunk but I went to college, and I know a drunk ass when I see one or hear one. It makes me want to quit on him really. It makes me wonder if those posts about him were true. One did mention he was a drunk. But I think the overall tone of all of this is maybe things are just moving too fast. Maybe in my desire to feel what it is like to be a submissive to a man I have ignored the rules of engagement. At the end of the day this after all a "relationship". It sucks even more when you see your friends in relationships and you realize you are the last single one left. It's not so bad I suppose but it does cause those doubts to creep in. The ones where you start to wonder if you are even worth someone else's attention, much less to be in a relationship with them. I think I have been single so long that I wouldn't know how to react in a relationship with anyone.

So what now? Well I guess I am going to go to bed and decide if tomorrow, if he calls if I will answer the phone. I am disappointed. I am angry but more than anything I am hurt. Is this what submission is supposed to feel like? God, I hope not.