"When did it get so complicated?" she asked.
"When did it get so complicated? When did it all stop being fun?"
Those were the questions I posed to a friend the other day as I managed to pull myself together after yet another crying spell brought on by only God knows what.
"When was the last time you enjoyed the lifestyle?" was his reply to me.
"When I was with him. Everything has been on a downward spiral since then" I answered before falling into tears again.
~*~
Those were the questions I posed to a friend the other day as I managed to pull myself together after yet another crying spell brought on by only God knows what.
"When was the last time you enjoyed the lifestyle?" was his reply to me.
"When I was with him. Everything has been on a downward spiral since then" I answered before falling into tears again.
~*~
Sometimes in life I find I make these great revelations when I least expect for them to occur. And for me, this was indeed one of those times. Lately I had been considering seeing a counselor about my low emotions. I figured I needed something before I imploded with frustration, anger and sadness. However this conversation was like moving a boulder than had been sitting for a very long time. Too long. It was the answer to everything and yet to nothing. It was the first time that I realized what had truly gone wrong over the past year. I made the typical mistake, I came to the realization that I had been trying to fill a void with things, people, who could never fit the bill.
I realized that the last time I was truly blissfully happy in this lifestyle was when I was with Eric. During the time when we first met and I had aspirations of becoming a collared girl. When I was focused on learning and serving and becoming the sub I had always visualized in my mind. However, I never got the complete closure. I never really had time to let the wound heal before I was meeting men left and right to try and replace that feeling of being cared for and of being owned. They didn't fit the bill. And had I been thinking with my good "counselor" hat I would have seen it months ago. But I wasn't using that part of me, I was using the emotional woman side...the side that was as my friend calls it "a wounded animal". Now I must admit, learning of this has put a sort of peace inside of me. I had a good day today. I want to share my new found knowledge with someone but I doubt many would understand or much less care. So a private joy it will remain. Even from Eric. He has never come off to me as a man who cared much for listening to deep emotions. Then again I find most men aren't. It's rather sad. I spent years being a closed off person and now as I am learning to embrace my emotions there doesn't seem to be many ears out there to listen. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Now none of this takes away the hurt of having D ignore my calls but it does make me realize I don't really need him in my life. I can do better. I deserve better. I read this article on facebook the other day where a black woman was describing how black women in general were scaring off black men by being dominant in the career world and not being submissive in the romantic ways. Being submissive to a man (the right kind of man) is a natural move for me but what this woman failed to point out in her prose was that many black women are AFRAID to become submissive to a man. They've been used, abused, hurt and degraded. Its not an easy place to return from unscathed. In fact I don't know a woman who has done so. We all carry battle scars. Some just wear theirs better than others. How can the modern black woman or any woman submit herself to a man, physically and emotionally when in the back of her mind the worry is there, the fear is there that to him, she is just another piece of pussy or his next sugar momma. My god it's debilitating almost! And I don't want that to happen to me. I want to be cautious but not bitter. I am not ready to give up. I will want to submit. Its not even a want anymore, its a necessity. It is like air and water...its a component of life.
So how do I do it? How do I move past the pain and take up the sword to go back into the battle? How do I show my femininity and submissiveness while at the same time showing that I am not a fool or a doormat, rather a force to be reckoned with. How do I express the duality of grace and strength? How do I find the happiness I deserve?
My friend said I needed to take a break. From relationships, I agree. I am definitely on break from those. But not from my ultimate quest...to learn about my place in this lifestyle. I refuse to lay down on that one.
I made it over one hurdle.
And I am proud of myself.
I realized that the last time I was truly blissfully happy in this lifestyle was when I was with Eric. During the time when we first met and I had aspirations of becoming a collared girl. When I was focused on learning and serving and becoming the sub I had always visualized in my mind. However, I never got the complete closure. I never really had time to let the wound heal before I was meeting men left and right to try and replace that feeling of being cared for and of being owned. They didn't fit the bill. And had I been thinking with my good "counselor" hat I would have seen it months ago. But I wasn't using that part of me, I was using the emotional woman side...the side that was as my friend calls it "a wounded animal". Now I must admit, learning of this has put a sort of peace inside of me. I had a good day today. I want to share my new found knowledge with someone but I doubt many would understand or much less care. So a private joy it will remain. Even from Eric. He has never come off to me as a man who cared much for listening to deep emotions. Then again I find most men aren't. It's rather sad. I spent years being a closed off person and now as I am learning to embrace my emotions there doesn't seem to be many ears out there to listen. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Now none of this takes away the hurt of having D ignore my calls but it does make me realize I don't really need him in my life. I can do better. I deserve better. I read this article on facebook the other day where a black woman was describing how black women in general were scaring off black men by being dominant in the career world and not being submissive in the romantic ways. Being submissive to a man (the right kind of man) is a natural move for me but what this woman failed to point out in her prose was that many black women are AFRAID to become submissive to a man. They've been used, abused, hurt and degraded. Its not an easy place to return from unscathed. In fact I don't know a woman who has done so. We all carry battle scars. Some just wear theirs better than others. How can the modern black woman or any woman submit herself to a man, physically and emotionally when in the back of her mind the worry is there, the fear is there that to him, she is just another piece of pussy or his next sugar momma. My god it's debilitating almost! And I don't want that to happen to me. I want to be cautious but not bitter. I am not ready to give up. I will want to submit. Its not even a want anymore, its a necessity. It is like air and water...its a component of life.
So how do I do it? How do I move past the pain and take up the sword to go back into the battle? How do I show my femininity and submissiveness while at the same time showing that I am not a fool or a doormat, rather a force to be reckoned with. How do I express the duality of grace and strength? How do I find the happiness I deserve?
My friend said I needed to take a break. From relationships, I agree. I am definitely on break from those. But not from my ultimate quest...to learn about my place in this lifestyle. I refuse to lay down on that one.
I made it over one hurdle.
And I am proud of myself.
posted by J. | 12:56 AM
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