Insecurities

As I start to look at myself as a newly owned woman, it has forced to look at my own flaws and insecurities. One of the main things that attracted me to D was the fact that he actually enjoyed the thought of me being with other men and I enjoyed the thought of him being with other women. And while this still holds very true what I do fear, often in the back of my mind is that one of these women may pull him away from me. That he may one day find me boring. The sad thing is that if one of my friends had come to me with this dilemma I would simply tell them that is was blessing in disguise. That they wouldn't want to be with a man who would find them to be dull and boring anyway. I suppose I would be wise to take my own advice. In fact I know I would.

But something does ring in the back of my mind as I write this. D asked me one night when we were talking if he had ever given me any reason to doubt he only had good intentions. And aside from not talking to each other as often as I would like I would have to say no, he hasn't. I haven't heard any crazy stories and read anything insane about him online. I just hate that life has delt me so many idiots that now my radar goes up before anything even happens. Then again I am always the first to say that I believe in self preservation. No need in setting myself up for failure. Next weekend we are going to a play party and I am excited to go. Not only to see him again, but to be able to experience being in a welcoming environment for the type of relationship we share. He has been generous enough to allow me to go out on dates in his absence. I had dinner with a very nice gentleman (hmm..) last weekend. I feel alot of guilt about this dinner though. The gentleman is a Dom and has made it clear to me that he wants me. He is quite aware of D and has been respectful of the limits that he has placed on me but I have not being exactly forthcoming to D about who this date is. As in, he doesn't know he is Dom. I want to tell him but at the same time I don't want to do the same dumbass thing I did with Eric and cut off every man who shows some interest in me only to be dropped on the wayside with in a handful of weeks. It just doesn't seem wise.

So I guess in a way I am stepping into this relationship prematurely. It is my hope and feeling that we can grow together and within that time slowly let down my guard and become more trusting. It will come, that I am completely sure of. I am just not sure when. I am not going to rush it either. I want to make it work with him. He just makes me smile. My date was fun and exciting but D watches Law and Order with me and calls to say shit like "You know they should make a sign for 'eat shit and die'". Its random but its the kind of stuff I sit around and think about. I want so much more than someone to have sex with and tell me what to do. I want someone I can grow with. I guess before I can start thinking growth I have to get over my own insecurities. Besides, he chose me, I didn't chose him...certainly that must say something!