Training me? Training me!

So the last couple of weeks have been a real bitch.

Classes and exams have officially ended for me but I still have classwork to finish. Hopefully tomorrow will be my last day on campus until 2007. I am tired and drained out and each day I find that my irritation and sarcasm is growing by the hour. I do believe I am at a point where I could tell the people at my job to go and fuck themselves. Co-workers and customers included. So I am realizing that at this point what I need is a serious vacation and it is coming, just not soon enough. And as if stress and exhaustion weren't enough, depression decides to make a come back. Nothing sucks more than wanting the attention of a man and not getting it. At all. Nope. Not one bit. Well I take that back. I get the attention of those who I am not seeking. Which is normally those who are trying to get in my pants. Throw in the fact that I am also horney and trying to keep my legs closed long enough to keep from making another stupid mistake and you get one miserable woman. I hate when I get into these moods because then I start to fall into a pattern of self doubt and start picking myself apart. I have always been my own worst enemy. I have decided to be more active in contacting men who have interesting profiles and so far its only led to couple men who I have idle chit chat with, one who only calls when he is horny and another one who is interested in meeting me next week for "play time". YAWN. Yeah. And of course those who I do talk with more regularly only see me as a friend or have become inconsistant and I am starting to lose interest. I had made plans to see Alfred this weekend but he is sick. I am starting to get the feeling that I may be dodging a bullet by having extra time to think about this training plan. The more I think about it, the more I shy away from the idea. I guess the idea of being bound to a man for a year simply for the sake of training seems like an uneven trade. I have been dying to talk to D but he hasn't bothered to return my calls. Or rather I will call and he will say he will call back later and doesn't. He said he has been busy. Trying to imagine anyone being more busy than myself is almost mindblowing. I guess I should take the hint before I make a fool of myself. Again. So I have spent the past few days picking myself apart again, trying to find where I messed up. What about me is so unappealing and unattractive.

But sometimes when you are on the verge of driving yourself insane, God jumps in with a lil help. Mine has come in the form of a skinny white guy who I will call M. (gotta love the initials!) M is an absolute doll. He is in grad school like myself and is a sub and a delightful conversationist. He's sarcasm goes toe to toe with my own, even sometimes stumping me. He has even been kind enough to find some training materials online and help me to find ways to present myself better in crowds. I am really looking forward to meeting him in the next couple of weeks. I can only imagine the meeting we would have. He said something to me one night that has stuck in my head. He asked me what was the difference between myself and a Dominant. I laughed and said I don't know. He said the difference is that I am a submissive with or with out a Dominant. But a Dominant isn't so without a submissive to dominate. Now I have thought of that the other way around, that I was not a sub without a Dominant to serve. He also told me to use my attractiveness as "currency" to buy time with a Dominant. TeeHee. He said I was attractive.

So that is my plan. I am attempting to see if I can train myself and smooth out my rough edges. I guess I will start tomorrow but withholding the urge to tell someone to "fuck off" when they get on my nerves. It's a start right?