Are you there God? It's me, Jessica.

Wow, has it been two months already?!

When I tell you I have lived a lifetime these past two months I really mean it. So I guess I will start with September 15. That morning I was driving to the grocery store to get some oil to put in my momma's car when I was hit on the passenger's side by a car that ran a red light and flipped me over on the driver's side. Well let me clarify. My momma had a green Ford explorer and unfortunately SUV's flip over quite easily. So as I laid on my side in the flipped over jeep I only remember screaming in a voice I had never heard come from my mouth. No one could have told me I was still alive at that moment. However, for reasons I am still not 100% sure of, the only thing that happened to me was that I got a couple cuts on my elbow and I am now currently seeing a chiropractor 3 times a week. (By the way, he is soooooo cute. He has no idea how attracted I am to him.) However, I am still in a legal battle with the girl who hit me and her insurance company. It's amazing how petty things can become when someone doesn't want to pay for their mistakes. I truly hope she finds all of this worth it. But here I am, still alive and remarkably well, much to the surprise of the police officer and firemen who broke me out of the car. It goes without saying that my thoughts on the world have changed a bit since then. I find that there are some things that I feel more passionately about and others that seem to roll off my back like water on a duck. I am more appreciative of the small things. The laughs I share with my friends, the minutes of silence I have while playing with my dog, even the classmates I share my academic struggles with. I cannot help thinking that God is somehow trying to give me a message.

Anyone who knows me, and I mean really knows me, knows I have never been the most religious person at all. After the problems I had with the church that I had grown up in I felt that God had somehow abandoned me. So I didn't bother with it and would often get irritated with people when they would give me the "you need to go to church" speech. Well actually I still do but at least I understand where they are coming from. Now I still don't have much for churches, especially the megachurches nor do I have much for those who read the Bible as the perfect guide for life. The Bible was written by man and contains flaws. However, what it does have are good passages and notes. Words that are filled with inspiration for just about any situation that someone could encounter. But as time passes, I see God steering me in new directions. The humorous part is that they are not directions that people would normally associate with God.

This past weekend I found myself in the last place I expected to find such inspiration...a BDSM event. Ohh let me go back and say that I got a new car last month. Yet another blessing! I love my little car. I need to wash her tomorrow. But my event. So finally I decided to go to one of the BDSM events that I had been promising to go to for months. I was so nervous because I was going alone. Not only did the thought of the drive down there frighten me but so did the thought of knowing that I would be among several ex's. However, with a little encouragement from a man I will only call D. I decided to pack up and hit the road. The drive down the highway was remarkably easy. I just put on a couple high bass rap CD's and let the cruise control take over. It didn't take me long to get to where I was going but when I got to the city limits, the traffic was killer. I nearly had a panic attack as I tried to merge into traffic off the highway. I don't think I have ever had such a feeling in my life. However, I made it and called my friends Miesha and Kerry to take me out to dinner. We had a great time as usual. I had a guy try to pick me up at the hotel but eh, what's new? Men always want you when you don't want to be bothered. But here comes the strange part: later that night Kerry called and asked to come back to the hotel. I told him to come on since all I was doing was my nails. He came in and dropped off his things and said he would be back later. Sometime passed and I got sleepy and crawled into bed. Later that night he came back and asked if I was asleep. After saying I was he said he had wanted to talk to me but would be on his way. It was then that he kissed me on my cheek. I was a bit thrown off by that but didn't say anything. He and I have been friends for years and never has he kissed me in anyway. I am glad it was dark in the room. I know my cheeks blushed.

Saturday was a helluva day! I started the day off by deciding I would go out and try to find the place I normally get my eyebrows done at. Naturally I got lost and had to call April to give me instructions. Once I got to the place I was heading for, I realized it was closed and scooted into the barbershop next door to it. Fine man city! The man who did my eyebrows was so cute I couldn't help smiling as he did them. He probably thought I was a goof but what can I say, I have a thing for the cute gentleman type. He picked my purse off the floor and told me that a lady never lays her purse on the floor. I keep that in mind now. After leaving the barbershop I did a little shopping and headed back to the hotel. I was then stopped by one of the Mistresses of the group and told that we were going to lunch. That was when the group started to gather. It was at that time that I met D for the first time but much to my disappointment he had a lady with him. A gorgeous lady with him. Tall, brown skinned and of course skinny. I felt my heart drop to my knees and at the moment I was ready to slide out the back and go home. But like I said, God works in mysterious ways. I met another girl there who was the same age as I was and had many of the same interests I did. It felt great to have someone else who was new to lean on and talk with. The presentation was on vampirism. Needless to say, not my thing at all. However, it was interesting still. D. asked me to sit with him and his lady friend and I did so, quite reluctantly. During the presentation I noticed them holding hands and realized that the scarves in my bag would only be tying up my hair that night, rather than my hands. Someone in the audience asked a question and I looked over my shoulder and noticed Alfred in the back row. I tried my best to not make eye contact. In the left corner was Eric with his new girl. It seemed like I was in the middle of hell at that moment. Between these views and the sight of a woman biting another woman's neck I had to rush to the car to make a phone call to April before I cried. I was ready to go at that point but April in her own way, has a way of making someone feel like they are the best thing since wonderbread. I tried to slide up the elevator however, someone tugged me back to the presentation. Afterwards again I tried to make my getaway but another of the Mistresses tugged me to her room. I sat in a room among some of the most beautiful women I had been around in ages. It was then that I learned about a group that was exclusive to black women in the lifestyle and my eyes were quickly attracted toward the speaker. She mesmersized me with her honesty and compassion for this lifestyle. During the talk her phone went off and her ring tone was that of the star trek theme. I nearly bubbled inside as I realized just how much she was going to love my costume for the party (a star trek one). I returned to my room and laid on the bed, wondering quietly if I really wanted to go to this party after all. After a good hour of thinking I got up and got dressed and if I do say so myself, was looking damn fine in my costume. I stepped out of the room and went looking for the mistress who loved star trek only to run into D and his lady friend. They looked cute together and in that moment I felt inferior once again. Again I started to make a dash back to my room but was tugged up to the party by one of the male subs who was attending. (see a recurring theme?) I got to the party and took off the coat I had been wearing and instantly had people flocking around me telling me how much they loved the costume I had on. I don't think I have ever felt as pretty a I did at that moment. I even got compliments from Eric who was trying intensely to avoid all night. I tried to avoid D as well. I hate to admit it but he looked damn good. However, I stayed as close to the Mistresses as I could, offering to do whatever errands I could. I found a fondness for them that I didn't think I would have for women. After the party started to dwindle, I went back to the room of the Mistress who had spoke earlier and watched her spank a woman. Deep inside I wanted to ask her to spank me as well but I couldn't work up the nerve to have my ass naked in front of a crowd. By this time my boots were starting to irritate me so I got up to take them back to my room and get my bedroom slippers. As I was coming back to the room where the spanking was taking place I saw D and tried to slide past him but he stopped me. His camera was in my room from earlier that night and he wanted to get it back. As I headed back to my own room, he tapped me on the ass with his crop which made me tell him to stop. I handed him his camera and started to ask him a question to which I decided not to and walked off. He pulled me back and asked me to ask my question to which I asked him when did he know he would be bringing someone to the party. I had to admit, I was truly looking forward to the things we had spoke about on the phone. But I must say, I did have a feeling he was out of league and of course the events of the day had proved such. However, what I didn't anticipate was the kind response he gave me. He touched my cheek and said that perhaps we would another time and that he had just met his lady friend the day before. Part of me truly expected him to become offensive or tell me that it was none of my business. The night dwindled down and my body was on fire. I called Michael to talk to me while I played with myself but sadly it did nothing for me. Nothing at all. The next morning I woke up crying. I felt irritated but pushed past it and packed up my car. I went to breakfast with the group and smiled the whole time. It was a great group and I hated the fact of know that soon I would be back on the highway again. So not long after I made my way home which seemed to take even less time than the drive down. I got home and I felt lost somehow. It was an indescribable feeling and somehow I felt the need to do something besides sit at home. I called up April and we had dinner and I told her about my weekend.

Deeeep Breath

So now this brings us to Monday. Monday was a day like any other I had ever experienced. I woke up again Monday crying. My emotions felt like they were on a roller coaster, riding up and down continuously. I went to my second job and worked but as I got in the car and headed home I felt myself crying again and left home within minutes because I didn't want my parents to see me crying. I called D several times, asking him to please call me back. I took a drive to near by garden and sat in the car and told him about how my emotions seemed out of control. I then started telling him about seeing Eric and his new girl and my frustrations. It was then that I started crying the tears didn't seem to stop. For some reason he thought that Eric was only a phone thing, which slightly irritated me but he soon apologized for his "assumption". He said he had to get something to eat and I stayed in the parking lot and cried for about another hour, begging God to make the hurt stop. Part of my pain was the indirect rejection I had felt from D and the sexual frustration I was experiencing. After the tears stopped I had lunch and went to see the chiropractor who of course always seemed to cheer me up...just a bit anyway. I think he has a thing for black women. Heck, I am willing to put money on it. As I sat in the parking lot of the chiropractor I called Shawn and asked him if he still had plans for the night. Ok, Shawn. Not sure I have mentioned him before. Shawn is a bit of an oddity. He lives in the city I do but for some reason has been really shady about meeting me. He claims to have a white girlfriend who lives out of town but said she was vanilla. Again I had to remind him I had no interest in him being my boyfriend. All I wanted for him to do was spank me. For some reason I had an overwhelming urge to be spanked. He called back and said that things were busy for him. After a couple minutes I called him back and asked if he had no intentions of ever meeting me. The last thing I want to do anymore in my life is waste time on people who waste my time. And at this point, he was wasting my damn time. He has a big spanking fetish so I figured he would have jumped at the chance. I tell you, when you don't want it, its everywhere, but when you try to give it out like gov't cheese no one wants it. Anywho, he said he did and then agreed to meet me at Borders. He looked just like his picture really. Kinda of a nerdy look but pft, isn't it always the nerds that have the sexiest minds? Well after some chatting we went to the parking lot and he walked me to my car. As I reached over to hug him I felt his hand slap my ass to which I let out loud gasp. He leaned over my ear and whispered for me to be quiet and not look at him. Then I felt his hand slide down inside my pants and drag his nails over my red skin. He pulled my nipples so hard that it made me beg him to stop. I whimpered softly and asked him if he really had to do work that night. I was shaking like a leaf, as he so described me afterwards. He replied he did and commenced to let me know that an old man had seen what he had done to me in the parking lot. I loved that. The feeling of know people could see if they cared to look close enough. I slipped into my car and had the giddiest feeling on earth as I drove home.

Orrite...today!

So today was a freakin Tuesday. Have you ever been to a college where the library is closed due to a power outage? Me either! Damn HBCU's. I spent hours looking for a computer to finish my paper on and finally ended up at the public library. And who should I see, Mike, the one from down the street. Is it "see your ex" week? I am so afraid of who I might see tomorrow. Please God, not Tyrez. Anyone one but him. I smiled and said hello and left it at that. It's a sad day when even as horny as I am, my pussy was just turned off at the thought of being with him again. But as I was leaving the library I realized I forgot to go to traffic court that morning. However, with all of these frustrations, I still managed to make it through my day without a tear. I guess all I needed was just time to cry it all out and move on.

So what can I say? God is strange sometimes. Sometimes there are lures to pull you one way, only to toss you in another direction. Slowly I am starting to feel better about D and his lady friend. Like I said, she is pretty. They seriously make a cute couple. Who am I to be pissy about that? Besides, he has a good 11 years on me. Gawd 11 years. Can you imagine where I will be then? I can't even imagine where I will be 11 months from now. But you know today was the crowning event of my weekend. I got a message from Alfred with his new phone number on it. Not sure if I will call him but its nice to see. I also got a message from Eric that said how proud he was of me for coming out this weekend on my own and how great I looked in my costume. He also asked my thoughts of his new girl to which I told him he had a keeper. The amazing part is that I said that seriously with no malice or anger. It is an amazing feeling. It's like God really did hear me when I asked him to take the pain away.

It's a peaceful feeling I am experiencing right now and I don't want it to end. I know it will one day...heck maybe even tomorrow but for today...for right now, I am at peace with myself and the people around me and if that isn't proof that God is listening, I don't know what is.