Bad Girl

Have you ever done something so wrong that it makes you question your humanity?

Something that as soon as you did it, you had that feeling, the one down deep in your stomach that you could be sick at any minute from the guilt alone?

Yeah I did that.

The other night I spoke to someone who in turn talked to someone else and it all got back to Eric. At the end of the day, it ended his relationship with his new sub. Now in the beginning I was angry and upset as I was going on about the details of his faults but after I had said them, I knew I had crossed a line. I asked my friend Kelly her opinion of what I had done. When I ask another's opinion, I know I have done wrong. Usually I am fairly secure in my decisions and actions. But today he called me at midnight and asked about it, to which at first I lied and then said fuck it, yes I said those things. He then told me that things were over and immediately I felt even worst than I did the night bofore. I told him that I did feel guilty after I said them but I doubt he believes me and moreover, I wouldn't believe me either. I feel like Jekyll and Hyde. Part of me is giddy to see him hurt the way I did but the other part of me feels like a jerk and a lower grade of human. I want to make it right. I feel absolutely conflicted. I feel like a bad person. I feel like someone who is at peace. I feel so many things that I am not sure what to do or think right now.