Reunion and Realization

Well this morning I went to work. I had to open the store. There was nothing too unusual about that but for some reason I woke up with an overwhelming sense of sadness. I didn't really feel like talking to smiling. My mind seemed overrun with thoughts and feelings of depression but I wasn't fully sure why I had felt this way. After work I got something to eat and came home and kicked around online for about an hour before I took a 3 hour nap. I only woke up around 6:30 because April called to remind me about going out to meet my friend Ryan's new fiance'. I must admit I wasn't all that excited about meeting her. It seems to me that when my male friends get girlfriends or fiances, that they seem to think that means that they cannot speak to me anymore. I guess my understanding of the word "friend" is different from theirs. But in any case I got up and bummed around online a bit more, procrastinating until about 30 mins before April was coming to pick me up. I wore my new push up bra and a deep V-neck shirt. I am rather proud of how I looked tonight. I even wore make up. (waits for the gasps to stop) So after a little phone tag, April and I arrived at the house to meet her. She is rather nice really. A petite girl but she was very polite. She is studying to get into medical school. Seems very nice as well. I am actually a bit ashamed that I wasn't all that excited about meeting her. She stayed at home and studied for an exam while the 3 of us went out to dinner. We also met another friend and her husband at the restaurant. For a moment, I sat and looked around the table and smiled. It had been years since all of us had sat at the same table and yet nothing seemed different. Occasionally during dinner, Ryan would rub his leg against mine. At first I thought it was because he didn't have any room in the booth so I slid down but then he did it again. I guess it was nice to know that even with a fiance at home, he still found me attractive to some degree. He used to like me back in high school. Not fully sure why I never took him up on his offers. I guess it was for the best. I can only imagine how things would be now if we had ended a relationship on a bad note. (which I tend to do) But overall I had a good dinner and for a while, I forgot my sadness.

I called Eric earlier and left a note on his phone, asking about his week. He hasn't called back. I don't really expect him to either. I thought I was ok a couple days ago but now I realize I am not. I guess I was in such a rush to feel better that I didn't realize I wasn't. I am not ok. I want to yell and scream and get my frustration out. I feel like sometimes I am so concerned with how people will perceive me that I don't pay attention to my own mental health. I just take it all in until I have a mini breakdown. I am in desperate need for a change. I still want to explore my submission. I need to. It consumes my thoughts somedays. I am not content to be some man's sex toy. I want to meet a real dominant who can train me. I really, truly want to learn. I just don't think I can take another failed attempt and keep my sanity. I know its hard to believe, but I am tired of talking about this but it's hard to drop it when there is a continuous voice in the back of your head saying "you failed". I have thought of asking a Mistress to train me. I figure that there is no possibility of a "relationship" building from that, and therefore I can get what I am looking for. But I think I will just take this time to refine what it is that I need and want and try again. I am not ready to quit yet.