Frustration and Revelation

I started my day at 7:00 am to take my momma to work so I could borrow the car. Afterwards I went to April's job to pick up some money to take to her gf so she could get a hotel for the weekend. I left from there to get some brake fluid for the car and do some dress shopping. I couldn't find any decent skirts or dresses. I am being disgusted with my stomach. I really need to work on it. I had dinner with April and her gf but I got that overwhelming feeling that they were ready to be rid of me. Again, April made a comment about Eric when we were on the phone. I think the next time we get a chance we are going to have to have a talk about it, because it's slowly starting to piss me off. I came home to find that my brother had been home and not washed one dish. So guess who washed them? Exactly. I also called one of the jobs I am very interested in earlier today and the woman said she hadn't made a decision yet and honestly from the tone in her voice I could tell that decision most likely wasn't going to be me. I am so sick of looking for a job. I am honestly thinking of quitting it for a while. If I had known finding a job was going to be this hard, I would have just stayed in school. I find it absolutely appalling that one year after my graduation that I am still stuck at the same overworked and underpaid position I had when I was in high school. Yes, fuckin high school! I can't figure out what is wrong with me. Perhaps I interview badly? I have no idea. In any case, like I tell everyone else, there is a time to give up and its good to know when. I think that time is coming for me.

Tonight I did one of the dumbest or one of the smartest things I could have ever done. Sad thing is, I don't know which. I decided to pull a criminal record and Eric. And yes, there is one. I won't divulge the details but it did ease my heart to know that he didn't have any violent crimes on there. Just some minor infractions. I was a bit upset to see that he even had a record. But then again, in the back of my head, I knew there was something he was running from back in his home state. His move was too sporadic. I think the scariest part in all of this is that still I am not ready to give up on him. I believe somewhere in my heart that I was put in his life to help him and him to help me. He puts confidence in me that I have never really had before. He pulls parts of my submission out that I didn't even know I had. So perhaps it is my job to help him. Maybe I am just a wishful person. Maybe I am fool. I am not sure of which. I just pray that God will help me find my way.

It's days like this when I remember just how old, no young, I am. I don't have the answers or even the wisdom to put an answer together. I am in new and uncharted territory and even worst, I am walking it alone. How do I trust a man who has a criminal record? How does a man trust a woman who continually sets out to find out things from his past? The more I think about it, the more I realize that perhaps the fantasy I had for a committed relationship may just be that, fantasy. Maybe this too, should be filed under the "quitting time" tab.