Fear Factor

Well the best way to start this post is to say that yes, yes I survived last week without a scratch or a scrape. I am now a certified licensed driver in North Carolina! The funny part is that I think other people were more excited for me than I was. It still hasn't set in on me. I even drove myself to work yesterday without much thought. It's alot more enjoyable when you drive yourself though. I also had my interviews and had a good feeling from both of them. I am hoping to hear some good replies this week.

The past week I have been really pressuring Eric to have a talk about the nature of our relationship and my training. Twice he has missed our scheduled talk but last night we had it, or rather the begining of it. I need to know where things are going. I am afraid that I will end up in another dead end relationship. Nothing is more depressing than when you become invested in someone only to learn that they have no intentions on making a return on your investment. Once I read a quote on a submissive's profile that says "Don't make anyone a priority for you when you are just an option for them". I love that quote. It personifies every relationship I have had since I started college. So we talked. We talked about his likes and dislikes. However I must be honest, I wasn't has into the conversation as I would have liked to have been. I was irritated with him for putting me off for so long. I suppose what I need to know from him is that when I need him he will be there. I don't want to ask because of course he will say yes. What rational thinking human wouldn't? But I want to hear it from because he wants to say it. I am insecure about these things. Not that don't have my reasons. I know I am not the most agreeable submissive. I think sometimes that it scares men off. I can be submissive, I am submissive. But it takes time for me to warm up and know that it is ok for me to let go and give over my trust. It takes me time to see that the person I am with isn't going to use my submissive nature against me. When I first met him, I remember telling him that I was afraid of him. He laughed and asked why. I don't remember if I even answered him or not. I am afraid of him because he strikes a nerve in me that hasn't been touched in well...many many years. He makes my stomach knot, he makes my face flush. In essence with only a few words he can reduce me to a whimpering slut and I enjoy every minute of it. The first night we went to the club I felt that way when he was dancing with me. When I push, he pushes back. That excites me! That scares me. I have always wanted to be in such a deep submission to a man that I can't help but comply but what if he takes advantage of that? What if he hurts me? This is a scary place to be. I have decided to no longer look for another Dom and rather focus on him. I don't really want him to be with another sub but I am not sure if at this point that is something I can honestly ask for. I am waiting on the right opportunity to ask him about that. I don't want my request to scare him off or make him think I am possessive. He prefers to talk about things like that on the phone or in person and I don't blame him. However, I find that I tend to stutter and jumble words when I am put on the spot without a delete key.

I may go and see him this upcoming weekend. I am not sure yet. Depends on how things go with April and her girlfriend. Yeah they are fighting. Again.