Giving You the Best That I've Got

Do you remember that song? From the always beautiful Miss Anita Baker? I could listen to her music forever. I have been listening to that song for the past 2 days on repeat. It just seems fitting.

The situation with Eric went from bad to worst. I would call and not get an answer. Leave emails and get no replies and when I did get him on the phone, he would make up an excuse to leave after 15-20 minutes of shallow conversation about nothing. Saturday night he told me he would call sunday morning and of course, that call never happened. He told me that he had spent his day playing World of Warcraft. We spoke on the phone and online after his phone died. I got so angry at him when we were on the phone. I yelled at him for criticizing Michael for not being able to master himself and now he was doing the same thing. I told him that he had failed me and that it didn't seem fair for me to take punishments for my wrong doings and for him to walk away with the excuse that he was depressed. I understand his depression, and I sympathize with him because I have been there. However, it seemed everytime I would try to reach out to him he would reject me. I asked him if I was still his submissive and he replied I never was. I think I felt my heart fall on the street and get ran over my a truck at that moment. After a few glances at his myspace page, I am also convinced that he has interest in another woman who happens to live in the same city I live in. He even accused me of trying to guilt him because I would apologize for misunderstanding. The last thing, the accusation of guilting him, was the breaking point. I told him I quit. I decided at that moment that I would not befriend someone who thought that I would try to guilt them into being my friend. So at the moment I deleted his number and told him good night. He apologized for saying it and said that his stomach was hurting. Personally, at that moment, he could have been having a heartattack and I wouldn't have cared less. The whole weekend I talked on and off with Alfred, a very nice older Dom I met. He listens very well and I cannot explain how nice it was to talk with someone and not have them try to make a move on me. I appreciated it so much more than I think he will ever know. One night we were up until 4 am talking.

So that brings us to today. I called Eric during lunch today and he answered the phone (probably because I blocked my number on his caller ID) and asked about his day and suggested that he drink something instead of not eatting at all. Amazingly, he told me "thank you for calling" twice in the conversation. I don't think he thought I would call after last night. Honestly, I didn't think I would either. But something told me to check in. Maybe I am just a fool who is a glutton for punishment. Or maybe I am just someone who is determined to not give up on someone else. I hate caring about people sometimes *kicks myself*. He is far from home and without family or very many close friends. I guess I just feel like maybe, just maybe, the last thing he needs is for someone to give up on him. And maybe I need to be a savior. I know I do. It's just who I am.

So now I am on a mission to teach myself how to be "vanilla". That's right ladies and gentlemen, Jessica's BDSM blog is now turning into the story of a vanilla girl. At least that the plan. And we all know how well my plans work out.

I have taken the opportunity in all of this crap to email a few old friends and check in on them. I guess this all makes me thankful for the great people I have met in my life and how I shouldn't take them or their friendship for granted. I am really excited about the emails I have gotten back. I have one friend who is getting married in 7 weeks. Another who is newly married. One who just got a promotion at DISNEY WORLD! (lucky bitch..lol) and I heard from another who I haven't spoken to in years. So all in all, great responses!

Soo, here I am. Back at square one and starting all over again.

Or not.