Needing, Wanting, Hoping
Another day of work. Another LONG day of work. Lately the only thing I am anxious for is a little time alone. It seem to be in short supply. Just to think, soon I will have to add another 9 hours to my schedule in a couple weeks. Fun times. I just have to keep telling myself that a month from now, I will be the owner of a brand new car and that this is all worth it.
More prevalent than all of my thoughts is the one of longing. I am so in desperate need of someone to dominate me that I have to watch myself. It doesn't even have to be in bed. I would be happy to just serve a man dinner at this point and feel the gentle pat on the head and a "good girl". My body quivers at just the thought of it. I miss the feeling of being needed and wanted and most importantly, appreciated. I have been speaking with more men online, expanding my view but unfortunately none of them seem to spark that fire in me, scratch that itch just the way I want it scratched. I suppose I should stop looking but its almost as if I can't. I am so frustrated. I thought I had found that in Alfred but here we are 8 days later and no call or email. I hate that feeling of knowing that to someone I am just a toy that they can pull out when they get bored. Perhaps that's what he thought. Perhaps he was wrong. Dead fuckin wrong.
I don't want to be a jaded woman. I don't want to be the angry black woman who hates all men. But I most certainly don't want to be the naive girl who gets stepped on at every opportunity. I want to find that balance. However in the mean time I am curious how to take care of my need. I want to have sex but I have never been a very promiscuous woman and I am in no way wanting to start being so. Toys are fun but they don't dominate, they don't humiliate. I have thought of a pro-dom but who the hell has that kind of money? Not I, said the lil black girl. I guess for now I will just have to suffer and live through it and figure something out eventually. School is starting soon. Men are all over campus.
Educated and Dominant?
One could only hope.
More prevalent than all of my thoughts is the one of longing. I am so in desperate need of someone to dominate me that I have to watch myself. It doesn't even have to be in bed. I would be happy to just serve a man dinner at this point and feel the gentle pat on the head and a "good girl". My body quivers at just the thought of it. I miss the feeling of being needed and wanted and most importantly, appreciated. I have been speaking with more men online, expanding my view but unfortunately none of them seem to spark that fire in me, scratch that itch just the way I want it scratched. I suppose I should stop looking but its almost as if I can't. I am so frustrated. I thought I had found that in Alfred but here we are 8 days later and no call or email. I hate that feeling of knowing that to someone I am just a toy that they can pull out when they get bored. Perhaps that's what he thought. Perhaps he was wrong. Dead fuckin wrong.
I don't want to be a jaded woman. I don't want to be the angry black woman who hates all men. But I most certainly don't want to be the naive girl who gets stepped on at every opportunity. I want to find that balance. However in the mean time I am curious how to take care of my need. I want to have sex but I have never been a very promiscuous woman and I am in no way wanting to start being so. Toys are fun but they don't dominate, they don't humiliate. I have thought of a pro-dom but who the hell has that kind of money? Not I, said the lil black girl. I guess for now I will just have to suffer and live through it and figure something out eventually. School is starting soon. Men are all over campus.
Educated and Dominant?
One could only hope.
posted by J. | 1:05 AM
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