Back to the Future

Today was a fairly normal Saturday. I got up and popped online to check email and such and saw that just as I had gotten online, that I had received a reply from an email I had sent Eric. Seeing that, I gave him a call, which led into pointless conversation about how much he drank last night and how he had some kind of food poisoning from eating bad rice. I was kinda hurt because I had hopes of spreading some good news but of course, he had no interest in anything I had to say. I should know better by now. I feel like writing on my wall "You were his whore. He used you" so that I can get the clear message in my head. Part of me wants a friendship or at least the cold honesty from him that the break up of things had nothing to do with his "smoking" but rather that he no longer held any interest in me. I laughed with April about that, about how sexy it would be to meet a man who held such honesty. I think I laughed so hard because it was the truth.

I went out with April tonight and had wings and then went downtown and we watched a group of drummers. It looked like alot of fun but I just couldn't get into it seemed. I am so stressed lately. I have been offered a promotion at work but I am afraid to take it because I want this assistantship with the grad school department. It will pay more money and have better hours than the promotion. However, I hate to turn it down and then find that this assistantship doesn't come through. Worst case, I quit my current job and takes the assistantship or step down from my promotion. Though I am not sure that is possible. Add to that, I had a frustrating hour or so today trying to work out my financial aid and then I just heard from my mother that we are short on the cell phone bill that my brother ran up to over $400 this month ($600 next month) and I feel like I could scream. I am tired. I feel like I can't seem to get enough sleep. I am planning a weekend away next week with April and I am seriously thinking of canceling it just so I can pay the bill up. It doesn't seem fair. I work so hard for the things I want and need and yet I see my family, well my mother and my brothers, leech off of other people for their needs. They claim I am too independent. I say they are correct. If I can't make it on my own now, what will happen 5 years from now when I have rent or a mortgage and car insurance, etc. I want more from my life than living paycheck to paycheck and right now, that's what I am facing. I am facing a paycheck to paycheck life, just to pay back the money that I owe now. I am not going to graduate school for that. I see the frustrations my daddy has had to deal with and I don't want those. I don't want to have to support my spouses mistakes time and time again. I deserve better than that.

Next weekend, while on my trip, I am planning to have dinner with Alfred. I am really excited about it. A bit nervous as well. He told me that he would be entertaining company this week (ie another prospect) and while I admit I am a smidge jealous, it didn't seem to effect me as much as I have known situations like that to do. Perhaps because he told me and I didn't have to hear about it second hand. I really enjoy talking with him and I find when I do, it makes me feel at ease. He is always chuckling when we are the phone. I swear I think he is probably laughing at me. But overall a nice man, and honest man from what I know of him so far. His intentions to train me seem very sincere. He hasn't made any sexual innuendos and has said he doesn't want anything romantic. I can appreciate that, especially after this last fiasco. Dinner this weekend should be interesting. I am, to steal his phrase, "cautiously optimistic".

That is about this, and other things.