Angels and Demons

Religion has never been something that I have been very comfortable with. I have only been to church about twice in the past 6 years, and those occasions were only at the urging of friends. I don't like churches in general. I find them to be the best money making scheme out there. Especially the mega-churches that are popping up all over the south. However, despite all of this I have a very strong belief in God. I believe he is everywhere. I believe that he speaks to me in his own way. Sometimes random thoughts will pop into my head and I know it's him giving me a clue. I don't pray like I should but I talk to God almost daily, in my own way.

So with all the stress that's been occurring, it seems only fitting that these would be the times that I would anticipate hearing from him. I think part of the problem I had last week was that I was focused on being angry, disappointed and hurt that I didn't take the time to just sit back and listen. So I have started to wait and listen. Lately I have been chatting back and forth with a man I met named Alfred. He is an older man but remarkably, unlike other older men in the lifestyle that I have chatted with, we have much in common. He is a bit like a hard-shelled nut though. I can't seem to crack him or get much information. I guess that only increases my interest in getting to know him. I am still a bit leery of wanting to serve him or any man for that fact right now, but I am deeply interested in spending time conversing with him. So yesterday I sent him a message apologizing for my behavior. Last week I chatted his ear off about Eric and how hurt I was and it dawned on me yesterday that I hadn't really been very considerate of him. I was wholly focused on my pain and the need to lean on someone to feel better. After that I got to thinking, how is it that when things seem to spiral out of control that there always seems to be at least one listening ear and helping hand around? I can only assume it's God putting someone in my life to help me keep going. Angels come in different forms. I really thank God for Alfred and my friends. I surely hope that one day they come to know that.

I have started cleaning out my room this week. The junk has got me going insane. Not to mention I saw a bug the other day, which probably came in through the open window, but I don't want to see anymore anytime soon. I took a box of beauty supplies to work and the girls had a ball with it. I think that just encouraged me to find more stuff to toss out and take to work. I was talking with April and she said that your room represent your life. Right now my life and my room look like hell. And personally, I am tired of both. So I do a bit a day, tossing and organizing. I think my biggest issue is the mounds of paper I have stashed everywhere. I have these great organizers that should help cut down some of that paper mess. I want to be organized in time for school to start. I really want to knock this program out by December 2007 and I think in order to do that, organization is going to be critical. Also while on the phone today with my cellphone carrier I learned that my brother has run up a $600 phone bill. I am turning his phone off in the morning. I can't help people anymore. The more I try to help, the bigger the kick in the ass is for me. I want to clean up my credit so that when I finish my grad program I can move and find a nice apartment. I want the kind of lifestyle that should be enjoyed by a single woman with a master's degree. April also gave me a bit of advice, though while she meant it in a joking way, really hit home with me. In the movie "Two Can Play That Game", Vivica Fox has a line that goes, "Occupy your damn time. Then when everything is done and finished, then you can have a breakdown". So I cannot have a breakdown until everything is finished. Until my house is clean, literally and figuratively. I am hoping by then, I won't need to. See? Angel's everywhere.

I am feeling better today. I am feeling more like myself. I glanced Eric's facebook and got that feeling again. Something in my mind keeps telling me he is sleeping or at least making plans to sleep with another woman. I don't have that overwhelming sense of sadness that buried my last week. Rather today, I feel irritated and annoyed. I want to call him up and say "Grab your balls and be a man and have the guts to say to me 'Jessica, I don't want you anymore'". I don't think he can do it. I don't think I will even bother to try. But what I will do is not let this once instance throw me off course. Anyone who knows me, knows I love this lifestyle. It's something that even though I denied at first, I have always known was a part of me. I don't play submissive. I AM submissive. Actually what would make me the happiest girl on earth right now is if I could just lay my head in a man's lap and have him pet my head. Maybe one day soon. I am striving to attend a BDSM function in July. I didn't want to go for fear of seeing him but like I said, I am pretty much annoyed at this point and I get the feeling he would rather not see me more than I would him. In fact, I would even bet on those odds.

Well I am going to get some more sleep (which works wonders for a depressed mood) and get up and do some more cleaning. Hopefully, God will have something else to tell me tomorrow. Better yet, I am sure he does and I look forward to listening. Finally, really truly listening.