Insecure Thoughts of a Secure Mind

Today was a typical Tuesday. Senior Citizen's Day at the store. Blah. Before I left for work, my brother received a letter that he needed to send more money to the college he is supposed to be attending in the fall. What irritated me so much about it was that I had told him many months ago that the amount that he was sending in, was incorrect. It seems like all summer he has been ignoring my words about what things he would need for college and now, with August approach quickly, he seems in a panic. I want to help him more. I know I could but I am standing behind my sink-or-swim theory. He has to learn sometime. However, it bothers me. His financial aid package is scanty at best. There is no wiggle room at all. I am afraid he may need another loan. He would haven;t have run into this problem had he been more diligent and more active in getting himself ready for college. I think he is afraid to go and there is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes a 4 year college isn't for everyone. My hope is that he can make it through the first year. After that, he should have it made.

Today I was surfing the internet and thought on my submission. Lately I am so frustrated with the road that has been presented to me. I try to stay positive, telling myself that all of these things, good and bad, happen for a reason. However the reality is that I feel like I am in a glass cage. I can see what is good and great about this lifestyle but for some reason, I cannot get out and enjoy it. Sometimes I feel like my "attitude" (I put that in quotes because I don't consider it that) scares men off. I think I should be happy about that, that it was my weeding out process, but all it does is make me feel lonely. There is nothing wrong with the feeling of being lonely, but the problem lies in my need to get rid of the feeling as quickly as possible. Sometimes that leads me to making decisions too hastily. IE, Eric. I don't regret having sex with him. Some people do one thing well. But I do regret taking it from what it was, to what I wanted it to be, and that was a relationship. You can't have relationships with people who are still trying to figure out who they are. Because then you find yourself in my place, trying to figure who the hell they are as well. I am excited about my dinner this weekend but I am also very nervous. I am on the rebound and I have to keep remembering that so that I don't make another hasty decision. I don't want to make up in my mind, something that isn't really there.

What I would really like is to know and feel that my decision and my feelings about being submissive are true. I want someone to validate that for me. That may sound silly but it's quite important for me to know and for someone else to know that I am more than just some woman with an attitude. For someone to back up, with more than words, that men want more from their women than robotic answers and doormat personalities. My insecurities are riding on high these days, along with my lack of trust. I want that feeling of newness I used to have, where I had faith and hope. I am afraid to step out again, because of feelings of hurt and anger. I want to move on and try new things, however I starting to wonder if now is a good time to do that.