The Price of Success

Success.

It means different things to different people. But the overlying theme in every instance of success is a person overcoming a struggle to become something better than they were before, be it personal or professional. I look at my friends and I see a group of successful men and women. While we may not have achieved the level of success that we ultimately wish to reach, it can be said with absolute certainty that we are well on our way.

I had a great time this past weekend. I went out of town with April and another of her friends T. So the 3 of us girls got hotel rooms and enjoyed nice lunches and dinners all weekend. We also went to a strip club, which I was outraged to pay $20 to get into. It was a shoddy club. I hate to admit it but black strip clubs are severely lacking when compared to the white strip club I went to years ago. The place was crowded and some of the women looked like they had just stepped out of a war zone. I was also pissed because I couldn't find a place to sit down. However, they did have topless boxing which I found mildly entertaining. Money was thrown in the air and I did recover about $6 of my cover-charge on the floor. Some of the men were rather ignorant but what do you expect in a place like that?! April and T. enjoyed themselves so I guess I am happy that they are. Saturday we had breakfast and did some store browsing. Nothing major. As I was browsing one store I got a call from Eric. He called to ask if I was attending the BDSM group meeting I had promised to come to. I told him to tell the ladies who had asked about me that I was sorry I couldn't attend. I was pissed that he would call. It seemed such a phony show of concern. I rushed him off the phone, offering the excuse that I didn't come because I was too busy with other things. Honestly, I didn't want to see him but I wasn't in the mood to go through that drama. At least not at that moment. I had a late dinner with Alfred and enjoyed it immensely. We sat and talked and I must admit, I felt completely at ease around him. One of the first things I noticed was his manicured hands, which I asked about. His response was that he didn't go to college to have rough hands. I loooooooooove that response! Hell I didn't go to college to have rough hands either. I invited him back to the room where he let me sit at his feet and lay my head in his lap. I felt like I was in absolute heaven. His hands were so soft and comforting. He said he didn't know massage but he could have fooled me. His stroking turned into a little bit of play but no intercourse, which really made me happy. It filled that need without me having to put myself on the "whore" level. He told me to give thought to the idea of him training me and I must admit, for the first time I am seriously giving this the thought and consideration that it deserves. I don't want to rush into another fiasco.


Speaking of which, I called Eric Sunday night and asked him to give me 10 mins to just get everything off my chest. And he did which I appreciate more than he knows. However, in my simply stupidity, I expected remorse, which of course I didn't get. So after much prodding it finally came out. What's that you ask? The TRUTH. Why I asked, why did you drop me? I demanded that he say it was because of my attitude or something but you know what he said? He said it was because with all the success that was going on in my life(starting grad school and my promotion at work), he realized the changes he needed to make in his and that in the future I wouldn't have time for him. It made me stop. Literally, just stop. How do you respond to that? How do you process the fact that someone doesn't want you because they are jealous of your success. The success that you worked your ass off for. How simple, small-minded, petty and sick is that? How childish can a grown man be? By that moment, I had to go. I had to hang up the phone and I talked to my momma about it and she just said that there will be men who can't handle it. Men who cannot deal with a woman who has just a bit more than they do. So is that the kind of man I want to be with? The kind who is happy as long as he is doing better? Come on! I thought a man would love to meet a woman who is not only submissive but a success in her professional life. That was the knife to my heart. It hurt but at the same time I tossed in the towel. There are women out there for a man like him. Women who enjoy stroking a man's ego to make up for his lack of self esteem. I wish them the best of luck. They are going to need it.

I went into work today, slightly nervous and slightly excited about starting my new position as a manager. I was however disappointed to see that the other girl who got the promotion was not the one that I was hoping for. When I went to speak with the one who didn't get the promotion, the one who was more deserving in my mind, she was very quiet. She acted as if she didn't want to speak to me and I asked if she was mad at me, to which she replied no. I don't think I saw her crack a smile all day and that really upset me. Normally we are chatting all day but today was just quiet. Way too quiet. I am sure that she is probably just disappointed with the situation and not really mad at me but it still upsets me that she couldn't just be happy for me. This is alot in 2 days. I can't really fathom why people are so offstandish when things go good in someone else's life. Anyone who knows me or at least has read my journals know that I have gone through alot of stress and strife and these things have only happened after YEARS of hard work. ~Sighs~ It all makes me just incredibly exhausted. But I guess the only good that has come of this is that you see a person's true colors in situations like these.

So what's the price of success?

People.