The Great White Hype

So another week has passed and only a weekend stands between me and my first day of grad school. I am nervous and excited all at the same time. This week was rather frustrating however. I ducked in and out of lines all week in an attempt to make sure my money and classes were squared away for the semester. I tell you its a big difference between my old college and my new one. My new one is an HBCU and efficientcy is surely not on their top 10 list of things to do. I have never seen such disorganization and chaos as I have this week. I was nervous that somehow things would get screwed up beyond my control but so far, things are good. I am grateful for the good fortune God has sent me in this regard. Things with Eric has seemed to calm to a luke-warm acquaintance. Things were rocky for a couple days after the incident but he seems to back with his new sub so I suppose alls well that ends well. Something like that.

Unfortunately, the good news stops there. After 3 weeks of hearing nothing from Alfred and only getting an email in which he praised my patience, I called him and blocked my number and got him to answer. After hearing my voice he hung up the phone. Talk about deja-vu. I felt scandalized. With Aaron, I had an idea but this time I am absolutely fuckin clueless. I mean he just sent me an email full of praise last week and this week I get hung up on. I decided to cut my losses and just delete his number. I suppose I am not really that upset about it, as I wasn't very attracted to him physically but I am an open-minded person. I can look past that. Pft, I even ignored the obvious flirting of the waiter at the restaurant we went to. I won't do that stupid shit again. Ugh he was too cute too.

But over the course of the past couple of days I have started to develop some serious theories about white men and black women. I really got to thinking about my relationships or run-ins with white men over the past few years and I have noticed a recurring theme among ALL of them. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, every fuckin last one of them. They love to play the game of chase. Each one has a different approach. But the game is always the same. They have charming words and most times they include something about how beautiful and attractive they find black women to be. And when you add to that fact that I am a black woman who is interested in a BDSM lifestyle, the allure is increased tenfold. I have heard it all...about how black women pose a bigger challenge and how they are so submissive and my all time favorite, they look good in white rope. Well that last line usually makes me giggle because I am light skinned and have seen white people who have tanned darker than myself. Many of them are into race play, which I have found that I enjoy only if I trust that the man who is engaging in it is playing and doesn't truly feel that way about me. And believe me, I have met some men who really make you question if they are card carrying members of the Klan. Now after many nights of chit chat and dinners and even some play, you get to observe the slow diminish of interest. The flame goes out and it goes out fast. Then you are left with feels of regret and most of all shame and disappointment. You start to wonder what it is that you did that was so wrong and so terrible that they had to drop you off without a word...no thank you, no goodbye, no fuck you very much. But this week the light bulb went off and man is it bright! I was telling my cousin about my incident and he laughed and said "What a bitch move. That's such a female thing to do. His girl was there". I laughed and even at 18, he has some great insight. It was never about me and what I did and didn't do. It was about him and his need to stroke his ego. It was about the chase and the pursuit of "forbidden fruit". That's what I am to these men. I am not a woman, or even a person. I am a pursuit, a hunt...wild game if you will. A race to see who can tame the black woman with the fiery attitude. I am tired of it. I am tired of being hurt. I am tired of being some man's whore for his personal enjoyment and then tossed to the side when Becky or Katie pops back into the picture. I am sick of being lied to and used. I talk to other black women subs online and many of them crave a white man and I completely understand their feelings. Black men aren't much better. However, I guess I can say that at least they don't find me attractive simply because of my race. Sometimes I wonder if I were white, would I go through these same issues? I honestly don't think so. And you want to know what I am even more sick of? I am tired of being told that I have an offstandish attitude. Hello??? If you were continually misled and lied to, you would be a brick wall too. *sighs* Then again all of this could be bullshit and it could just be that I am a fuck up. I don't even know anymore...

I'd cry but I am too tired to waste the water.

I always make the joke with people that if I didn't have such high self esteem I would kill myself. I always get a laugh from that one, that is except from those who really know me and know that what I am saying is dead serious. I was talking to Michael about this all last night and he said to me "You need someone to take care of you". Instead of arguing back and protesting that I was just fine and could take care of myself, like I normally would have done, I agreed with him. I asked him if he was volunteering and he said he would but he didn't think I wanted him. I felt a pang of hurt in my heart when I read that. If I were him, I would have been gone along time ago. However, he has stuck around and picked me up off my ass after all my falls, which in all honesty, he had no reason to. I just hate that it's taken me this long to realize what kind of kind hearted man he is. I really thank God for him.

You know I started to realize this week how much I miss the old Jessica. The one who would point out a man and say "I'm gonna fuck him" and at 3 am kindly ask him to get out of my bed and be on his way. I guess the scare of STD's and AIDS slows that attitude down some but lately I have this desire for a relationship that has put me in very compromising situations that have left me with a broken spirit, heart and self-esteem. Part of me wonders if I am even made for relationships. If they are story-book ideals. Heck part of me is eve starting to question my submissiveness. What if I am not submissive? Perhaps thats why I am so irritated and frustrated and these men claim I am too headstrong. It's a thought to ponder.

I could probably ramble on for another hour but its late and my bed is calling me. I need sleep desperately and its my plan to try to be in bed by midnight from now on and get at least 6 hours sleep in.

Sorry for all the curse words. It's been of those weeks...