Break Me
People who know me, know that one of my favorite things to tell them when they are trying to tell me something that I may not like is "I promise you won't break me". That is perhaps the biggest lie and truth I have ever told myself or anyone else. The truth is that it takes a lot for words to break me down but when they do, I hit rock bottom.
I was talking to Alfred last night and we got on the conversation about what a year of ups and downs I have had. I started by telling him about the great and the not so great people in the lifestyle that I have met and how they influence how not only I see myself but BDSM in general. I started reflecting on the negative things I have heard and how at times they were comical and at others hurtful. I told him sometimes I felt like my age, my race and my size were things that seemed to turn me away. I always figured men wanted the petite blonde with the blue eyes and perky boobs as their subs. The girls who stay home and clean house and pull off their mans shoes when he walks in the door and gives him a welcome home blow job. Not that the idea of that doesn't just make me grin but I can't see it as an everyday thing. I have been told that black women were not as submissive as white women. I can see how a man could get that idea. I have been told black women were naturally submissive. Again I can see that as well. I have heard that at my age I couldn't possibly understand the lifestyle. I guess I can see that. I have been told that at my age its the best time to get into the lifestyle. Good point. But the one statement that kills me is when a man tells me that someone who is my size must have low self esteem and that is why they are a sub. Who the hell ever said that having low self esteem was a requirement of not only being plus size but also for being submissive? Low self esteem is one of the last problems I have. Now don't get me wrong I have doubts someday, especially in the looks department but ask me who is the most intelligent person I have ever met and I will tell you, with no cockiness or attitude that its the woman I see in the mirror every morning. But could it be that something so simple as my weight could make a man think I am a lesser woman? I mean isn't that the same thing as saying a man's penis size makes him a lesser man? Because if so, I know a looooot of lesser men. Perhaps more than my fair share. Hmmm. Could being a black woman with a higher degree make me a bigger bitch and there fore less submissive? Could being 24 make me less aware of who I am and what I need? These are real questions I have asked myself and wondered about. I know deep in my heart that they are meaningless factors but as I try to take the time to learn myself I find that sometimes I am in rut and in a hole, trying to figure out who is lying and who is telling me the truth. Alfred says I have been playing the guessing game for a long time. That couldn't be more true. Ok, for example. D called me sometime last week while I was at work so I have called him nearly every other day since then. Well today I got him and he said he was on his way to the shower and would call back and of course didn't. Well fuck it, I am tired of calling because at this point I feel like I am being a bother. In fact I am tired of calling a lot people. "Call me back tomorrow" they always say but they never pick up. Sometimes I feel like people...No, men...call me when they have no one else. But I am that kinda girl I guess. Great for friendship and nothing more. That is until someone wants me...then I get to play the "I want you too" game. Bitches.
As this conversation carried on I could feel my eyes watering and so I got quiet, which surprised Alfred. He says I am always so chatty, to which I replied I was in my thinking place. Words hurt, even weeks, months and years after they were spoken. Even long after the author of them is forgotten. It doesn't take a lot to break me but when it does happen, its a feeling that I don't wish on many. And for a moment last night, I felt broken.
Eventually the conversation turned to the idea of me being trained by him to which I asked about why he stopped talking to me. He said that he wanted to make sure I was sure about what I wanted. Truth be told, I am never sure. I am always afraid to commit to someone for fear that either someone better suited will come around or that the person I am with will hurt me.
My only serious turn off with Alfred is the full knowledge of know there are others. I am not sure how well I will survive in knowing there are others who may or may not take my time. I don't share well. Especially when I am anything less than alpha. But I have agreed to at least visit with him and seriously talk about it. He asked if I had the time and honestly I don't have much time but what I have even less of is patience with being a servant with no one to serve but myself. It just bothers me. Sometimes I wonder if Dominants get that feeling. The one of feeling like something is missing when they don't have someone to serve them. Maybe it's just me.
But for now, I am considering the pros and cons of this arrangement. I have a couple weeks before I am asked to sign on the dotted line. Literally.
I was talking to Alfred last night and we got on the conversation about what a year of ups and downs I have had. I started by telling him about the great and the not so great people in the lifestyle that I have met and how they influence how not only I see myself but BDSM in general. I started reflecting on the negative things I have heard and how at times they were comical and at others hurtful. I told him sometimes I felt like my age, my race and my size were things that seemed to turn me away. I always figured men wanted the petite blonde with the blue eyes and perky boobs as their subs. The girls who stay home and clean house and pull off their mans shoes when he walks in the door and gives him a welcome home blow job. Not that the idea of that doesn't just make me grin but I can't see it as an everyday thing. I have been told that black women were not as submissive as white women. I can see how a man could get that idea. I have been told black women were naturally submissive. Again I can see that as well. I have heard that at my age I couldn't possibly understand the lifestyle. I guess I can see that. I have been told that at my age its the best time to get into the lifestyle. Good point. But the one statement that kills me is when a man tells me that someone who is my size must have low self esteem and that is why they are a sub. Who the hell ever said that having low self esteem was a requirement of not only being plus size but also for being submissive? Low self esteem is one of the last problems I have. Now don't get me wrong I have doubts someday, especially in the looks department but ask me who is the most intelligent person I have ever met and I will tell you, with no cockiness or attitude that its the woman I see in the mirror every morning. But could it be that something so simple as my weight could make a man think I am a lesser woman? I mean isn't that the same thing as saying a man's penis size makes him a lesser man? Because if so, I know a looooot of lesser men. Perhaps more than my fair share. Hmmm. Could being a black woman with a higher degree make me a bigger bitch and there fore less submissive? Could being 24 make me less aware of who I am and what I need? These are real questions I have asked myself and wondered about. I know deep in my heart that they are meaningless factors but as I try to take the time to learn myself I find that sometimes I am in rut and in a hole, trying to figure out who is lying and who is telling me the truth. Alfred says I have been playing the guessing game for a long time. That couldn't be more true. Ok, for example. D called me sometime last week while I was at work so I have called him nearly every other day since then. Well today I got him and he said he was on his way to the shower and would call back and of course didn't. Well fuck it, I am tired of calling because at this point I feel like I am being a bother. In fact I am tired of calling a lot people. "Call me back tomorrow" they always say but they never pick up. Sometimes I feel like people...No, men...call me when they have no one else. But I am that kinda girl I guess. Great for friendship and nothing more. That is until someone wants me...then I get to play the "I want you too" game. Bitches.
As this conversation carried on I could feel my eyes watering and so I got quiet, which surprised Alfred. He says I am always so chatty, to which I replied I was in my thinking place. Words hurt, even weeks, months and years after they were spoken. Even long after the author of them is forgotten. It doesn't take a lot to break me but when it does happen, its a feeling that I don't wish on many. And for a moment last night, I felt broken.
Eventually the conversation turned to the idea of me being trained by him to which I asked about why he stopped talking to me. He said that he wanted to make sure I was sure about what I wanted. Truth be told, I am never sure. I am always afraid to commit to someone for fear that either someone better suited will come around or that the person I am with will hurt me.
My only serious turn off with Alfred is the full knowledge of know there are others. I am not sure how well I will survive in knowing there are others who may or may not take my time. I don't share well. Especially when I am anything less than alpha. But I have agreed to at least visit with him and seriously talk about it. He asked if I had the time and honestly I don't have much time but what I have even less of is patience with being a servant with no one to serve but myself. It just bothers me. Sometimes I wonder if Dominants get that feeling. The one of feeling like something is missing when they don't have someone to serve them. Maybe it's just me.
But for now, I am considering the pros and cons of this arrangement. I have a couple weeks before I am asked to sign on the dotted line. Literally.
posted by J. | 10:16 PM
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