Back to bullshit

I started to write last night but suddenly I realized I was about to begin another sad post. And the thought of that only made me sadder. It seems like everything I write here is sad, or depressing. I guess thats because when I am having a good time the last thing I am trying to do is write. I really need to figure out how to do that voice post thing again.

I just got back last week from a week long trip to Orlando. I had a good time. I am so tired from my trip but I wouldn't change a thing. I also flew on the plane for the first time which was a wonderful experience. I would love to fly again. I just hated taking my shoes off and walking on that dirty floor. I had on flip flops. How the hell do you sneak a bomb on to a plane in a pair of flops?? But anywho my favorite part was the take off. There was something enjoyable about leaving the ground and watching North Carolina disappear beneath the clouds. It was like watching the world disappear and along with it, alot of irritation and pain. I am looking forward to my next plane trip. While I was in Orlando I started to miss A. quite a bit. It was nice to get text messages from him from time to time. So I made plans to stay at his place the day after I got back into NC. We had a nice time. He had to work the next morning so I didn't get to see him much. However, I did get to spend sometime with his sub and we went to the mall and did some shopping. I hate to admit it but listening to her I started to feel inadequate. As if I were a watered down version of what submission should be. She has given her complete power over to him in a way that frightens the shit out of me. I wish I could do that but experience has taught me that might not be a wise thing. At least not for me. Or at least not at this time in my life.

A couple days after I got home I started thinking about how much I enjoyed my time and how much I began to trust in A. so I wrote to him, wanting to speak about it. Two nights in a row we were supposed to talk on the phone and for one reason or another, it didn't happen. We spoke this morning but after our talk I realized that the trust I had, had been shattered. Its a frustrating state to be in. To continuously be frustrated and irritated and have misplaced trust. I find that it is my own fault. I want it too bad. I just want for it to work. I am so afraid that a good one will come along and I'll be too bitter to even notice. So now I am finding myself trying to figure out where to go. Again.

I had more to write but I think this is enough for now. Its just depressing me again.