God's Plan

Its been one of those weeks in which I sit and contemplate at every free moment about the meaning of my life and what it is that I should be doing with it. In my twisted Christian views I do strongly believe that God has a plan for our lives. With that said, I also believe God has multiple plans and it is up to us to pick one of them. Sometimes I wonder if I picked the right one.

I started reading the Secret and while largely I am not all that interested in self help books I have been interested in the notion that I could attract negative things in my life through my negative thoughts (of which I have many). So my plan for this week is that every time I have negative thought enter my mind, I am to counter it with a positive one. I am curious to see if positive changes are coming. If not then I'll have yet another book to resell on Amazon.

I have also been thinking of what to tell A. when he comes this weekend. I am standing at a crossroad where I could offer someone a part of my freedom. I have come to realize that in all my years in this lifestyle, I have never given over my freedom. Its not something I know much about or could even prepare myself for. It is, however, something I have wanted to do for a long time now. Sadly in my attempt to find someone to do this with, I have run in to bad situations that I could have avoided had I been thinking with the good brain God gave me. Sometimes, hell most times, it is difficult for me to listen to the great success people have when finding a partner in this lifestyle. I always react the same. I smile and say "oh thats wonderful!" When ever I use the word wonderful, it usually means I don't mean what I just said. So now you know one of my secrets. But I don't want to be bitter and uncaring. And honestly, I am happy for people its just that in the back of my mind I start to ask "Why not me?" On the brief occasions in which I do ask that question the answer is the same. Usually its because the men are not good enough for me and that I am bright, intellegent woman. They tell me how smart I am to be in graduate school. I have to laugh. If they knew. I barely break a sweat in school and I just ended my last semester with all A's. I have never tried in school. I have never needed to. To me, degrees are not measures of success. They are measures of time. But when it comes to this lifestyle, I try. I break a sweat. I have shed blood, sweat and tears. And yet, some how I find myself in the same place, continuously. It's quite an enigma. But at the end of the day I sit back in my chair and sigh and say "This is God's plan, Jessica."

But back to my thoughts of what to say this weekend.

I am afraid to hand anyone my freedom. I am afraid they won't know what to do with it or me. I am afraid that one more bad experience will drive me from this lifestyle. Most of all I am afraid of breaking down. I am afraid of losing myself. I am all I have. If I lose that, then I have lost everything. But I believe in him. I am not sure he knows that but I do. It was never my idea, plan or goal to be in a poly relationship. I have jealous tendacies but the idea of this one isn't so bad. I am not ready to be a 24-7 girl. I have to tell that to myself when I feel those pangs come in. I'm not ready. I am not ready to give it all up. But I am ready to get started. I am ready to start learning and training. So the big question now is "Is this a part of God's plan?" I guess we'll see in time.