"When did it get so complicated?" she asked.

"When did it get so complicated? When did it all stop being fun?"

Those were the questions I posed to a friend the other day as I managed to pull myself together after yet another crying spell brought on by only God knows what.

"When was the last time you enjoyed the lifestyle?" was his reply to me.

"When I was with him. Everything has been on a downward spiral since then" I answered before falling into tears again.

~*~

Sometimes in life I find I make these great revelations when I least expect for them to occur. And for me, this was indeed one of those times. Lately I had been considering seeing a counselor about my low emotions. I figured I needed something before I imploded with frustration, anger and sadness. However this conversation was like moving a boulder than had been sitting for a very long time. Too long. It was the answer to everything and yet to nothing. It was the first time that I realized what had truly gone wrong over the past year. I made the typical mistake, I came to the realization that I had been trying to fill a void with things, people, who could never fit the bill.
I realized that the last time I was truly blissfully happy in this lifestyle was when I was with Eric. During the time when we first met and I had aspirations of becoming a collared girl. When I was focused on learning and serving and becoming the sub I had always visualized in my mind. However, I never got the complete closure. I never really had time to let the wound heal before I was meeting men left and right to try and replace that feeling of being cared for and of being owned. They didn't fit the bill. And had I been thinking with my good "counselor" hat I would have seen it months ago. But I wasn't using that part of me, I was using the emotional woman side...the side that was as my friend calls it "a wounded animal". Now I must admit, learning of this has put a sort of peace inside of me. I had a good day today. I want to share my new found knowledge with someone but I doubt many would understand or much less care. So a private joy it will remain. Even from Eric. He has never come off to me as a man who cared much for listening to deep emotions. Then again I find most men aren't. It's rather sad. I spent years being a closed off person and now as I am learning to embrace my emotions there doesn't seem to be many ears out there to listen. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Now none of this takes away the hurt of having D ignore my calls but it does make me realize I don't really need him in my life. I can do better. I deserve better. I read this article on facebook the other day where a black woman was describing how black women in general were scaring off black men by being dominant in the career world and not being submissive in the romantic ways. Being submissive to a man (the right kind of man) is a natural move for me but what this woman failed to point out in her prose was that many black women are AFRAID to become submissive to a man. They've been used, abused, hurt and degraded. Its not an easy place to return from unscathed. In fact I don't know a woman who has done so. We all carry battle scars. Some just wear theirs better than others. How can the modern black woman or any woman submit herself to a man, physically and emotionally when in the back of her mind the worry is there, the fear is there that to him, she is just another piece of pussy or his next sugar momma. My god it's debilitating almost! And I don't want that to happen to me. I want to be cautious but not bitter. I am not ready to give up. I will want to submit. Its not even a want anymore, its a necessity. It is like air and water...its a component of life.
So how do I do it? How do I move past the pain and take up the sword to go back into the battle? How do I show my femininity and submissiveness while at the same time showing that I am not a fool or a doormat, rather a force to be reckoned with. How do I express the duality of grace and strength? How do I find the happiness I deserve?
My friend said I needed to take a break. From relationships, I agree. I am definitely on break from those. But not from my ultimate quest...to learn about my place in this lifestyle. I refuse to lay down on that one.

I made it over one hurdle.

And I am proud of myself.

The Winds of Change

It was a gorgeous weekend!

The sun shined and there wasn't a drop a rain. It was neither too hot or too cold. Just beautiful weather. I went to the NC Leather Contest this weekend and rather enjoyed myself. I met up with old friends and made a couple new ones. It was quite an interesting event. And congratulations to the new Ms NC Leather. She deserved it! She had a teacher/student fantasy. *sappy sigh* Don't we all? I talked with her after the event and she had this bubbly personality. She was rather enjoyable to be around, which I didn't expect. Title holders tend to be rather stuffy. I also met a sub who I just thought was so cute I could stick her in my pocket and take her home. She was petite and had a lovely smile. I complimented her on her skirt and she started chatting about the places she shopped. She was quite the exhibitionist as well. She spent most of the evening naked. She had the body for it. Her Dom put me in the mind of Aaron for some reason. It was kinda weird. He had a nice smile. That might have been why.
I saw someone from one of the groups that I frequent and he invited me to play, I turned him down last month because I was so upset about D but this time I gave him a yes. I was rather excited because his hotel room was down the hall from mine and I am hardly a public player. We hung around for the raffle, which I didn't buy into but wish I did. Unfortunately if I had won, I wouldn't have been able to take some of the prizes I saw home. Soo gotta move. But after the raffle I tapped him on the shoulder to let him know I was taking the Ladies I was driving for the evening home and that I would be down to his room later. It was at that time he informed me that he and his sub that he had travelled with would be doing some "heavy play" that would make me blush. Um ok. I could be wrong but I get the feeling that she didn't want me barging in on their private party. Men with subs are complicated. As they should be I suppose. In any case I was deeply disappointed. He asked if I was coming next weekend but I think in my best interest, I will take off and go next month. Ohh! I saw a Mistress from the group I frequent at the event and when I smiled at her and said hello, she returned the gesture and I must admit that when she smiles, she is quite a lovely looking woman. Not sure I have ever seen her smile before. She should do it more often.
So as I was sitting and taking in the sights, Eric's new sub passed by and spoke, which I really appreciated, as many from the group I go to didn't bother to do half that. But that's how people are I suppose. I didn't quite recognize her at first. I think its because today was the first time I had taken her in, face to face. She and Eric had quite an ordeal earlier that day and while at the time it made me chuckle, I did start to realize that it was time for some changes to occur. I watched her do quite an amazing backwards bend and started to thinking I would like to do that. I want to take up belly dancing as well. I mean I have belly...LOL. However, it takes quite a bit of energy to be annoyed and well energy is something I am lacking. So I am considering offering a hand of friendship. Learning from her. I think however my best interest is to not go through Eric. Don't ask why, just that intuitive feeling. I also spoke with a Dom today (the black guy I met in Jan) and I must admit I love talking to him. He doesn't come at me with alot of bullshit. We talked about arthritis today. LOL I always love people who can talk about something more than sex. I would like to see him again sometime.
I looked online and saw D had been on his my space account and decided to call him. Like a dumbass I know. He didn't answer. I called his job and the guy who answered put me on hold and then another woman picked up and I told her I would like to speak with him. At first she asked if I said Kimberly and I said no and told her my name to which she answered without taking a breath that he was with a client. Ok. I get it. She was rather rude when I declined to leave a message. I left a message on his phone asking him why he felt the need to lie and have other people lie for him. I am guessing he is probably fucking someone on his job. I am so glad that I got my STD test done a few weeks ago. From what I have heard since this has all gone down, he's been around the block, a couple times. And of course I fell in, hook line and sinker. I really need to avoid dumbass men.
I called up S. today and we chit chatted a bit. He says he finds it hard to believe I don't trust any men I meet (to include him). I wonder if he has been listening lately. He claims my problems lay in my thinking. I asked him what was wrong with my thinking and he said he won't tell me. Probably because he doesn't know. I know he would like for me to pursue a relationship with me but I have this feeling...I can't shake it but it just says "no". I am going to go with these feelings more now.
So since I have decided to back down on my activities and not pursue another relationship, I am thinking this will give me more time to focus on my school work, which has been suffering severely lately due to my down moods. I didn't come to school to fail and especially fail because of some ignorant man. Especially not a broke one. And you all know my feelings on a broke man. So its time to refocus and reprioritize. I haven't come this far to fail at anything.
I figured I need inspiration! And while the thoughts of being bent over a desk or handcuffed and on my knees at someone's feet would inspire me to move mountains, I had to find something a little more tangible. So here is it:

The place is so much more gorgeous in person! This is my future home ladies and gentlemen. The finest in uptown living and believably affordable considering my salary and the fact I don't have children. So this is my new inspiration :) Ohh and they have their own Harris Teeter. How cool is that?

Today...

I reset the trip odometer on my car.

I stopped listening to "After the Love is Gone" on repeat.

I bought new shoes for work so I can throw away those raggedy ones that kill my feet.

I turned down a date from a guy I previously had a crush on because told me he had a girlfriend.
Bastard.

I cussed out a campus cop.
Idiot.

I deleted D's phone number. All of them.

I smiled.