It's a Full Moon
I started to write earlier tonight but as I was looking at my post it started to sound like a schizophrenic ramble. It didn't even make sense to me, and that's saying something. Its been one of those days when I have had alot on my mind and the thoughts come so fast that I can't catch them and make any sense of it. I noticed on my way home tonight that its a full moon. That probably has a lot to do with it.
I've been in a thinking mood lately. One of my professors told me once that I tend to "live in my head". She is so right. I think and plan and rethink and replan in my mind all the time. I've been spending a lot of time alone lately...thinking and rethinking. Probably the only person I really have been talking to lately is M. Which by the way has been a really beautiful experience. Sometimes we stay up so late at night talking about BDSM topics and whatnot that I have to cut him off so I can catch a couple hours of sleep before work. It's been a nice change of pace to have someone to bounce ideas and thoughts off of, who not only knows and understands me but also keeps an open mind to things that are new. I am taking him to the halloween party my group has in October. He expressed that he wanted to learn how to flog, which actually surprised me a bit. Well not as much as some of his fantasies that he told me. But then again, I kinda always knew it was there...its just that now he is vocalizing it. I also enjoy spending time with him lately because he is one of the few people who has been encouraging me in school and in my exploration. He wanted to hear all the details of Black Beat and even helped me pick out my first corset. The other night he asked me if I was ready for my trip to California and I said that I was but that I was very nervous. His reply was: "Nervous about what? Living your life?". I had to smile. You can't help but not to when someone puts it that way. It's been a bit frustrating with people telling me where I should and should not go, who I should and should not talk to, etc. Oh and my personal favorite...being told I was "out of my league". So as I said, alot of personal time.
I've also been in a bit of weepy state lately. I think it's PMS to be honest. With Halloween coming up, I can't help but think about D and it pulls on a piece of me. I started asking why does he bother me so much and I realized that he was the first person I really tried with. The person I thought I could give my all to and it crashed and burned in a blaze of glory. It's hard to believe its almost the end of the year. It's like the year has whizzed by and amazingly...there is so much more to come. I have my move to look forward to and my trips to Cali and Florida. Halloween is always a fun time of year and the holiday time. With all of this, I have started thinking on my journey...where I have been and where I am going. I started to thinking how happy I have been in the past few months despite a million papers and hours at work and bills. I have been in a state of happiness that is almost unfamiliar...but secure. I smile more. I have more patience and understanding and compassion for people. (And what better qualities for a future counselor?) When I tried to work things with A, I was trying to fit into a niche that wasn't for me. A square peg in a round hole if you will. All I can remember is that feeling of relief when he said it wouldn't work. It was as if I was waiting for him recognize what I had known for months. And with D, I gave too much...too quickly. He said the right things, but his actions didn't match. They never matched. Never. Some time over the past few months that feeling of failure has disappeared. I am not sure when or where but it left. I no longer feel like I have to fit in someone elses idea of what a submissive should feel like. I wish I was a better word smith but there is really an amazing feeling when you can look in the mirror and say "I'm ok with you as you are".
The other day I was talking to M and I started to tell him about my desire to increase my domestic skills and he asked me why. I have always felt that any woman can give a man pussy. It's really not that hard. But the love and dedication it takes to fix his meals a certain way or set out his cloths, and one of my favorites...to wash and groom him. I find that to be more intimate than sex. As I explained it to him he said that he had never thought of it that way and liked the idea of it. I think the next time I am over his house I'll ask to bathe him. Its been a long time since I have done that and I kinda miss it. I've been learning to cook lately. (waits for the gasps to stop) I figured that one...its another skill to add to my list and two...I really want to get back to eating like I used to and shed some weight. Tonight I made tortellini. It was damn good if I say so myself. My momma finished off the pot so it must not be that bad.
But what I seriously need to do is get my motivation back for school. Only 8 more months until graduation! It's almost surreal to me. Only a couple more months of class and then internship. I went to visit my future internship supervisor and he was so welcoming. He must have seen the look for fear in my face. LOL He came to my school for a meeting today and a couple of my classmates were like "I want to work for him!" I have started looking at apartments and the ones closest to my job are disappointing at best. I am going to have to look a bit further out for a decent place. I can't wait to have my privacy back. But I am almost nervous about that too. It seems like there is so much change in my life lately. But it's time and I am ready.
This weekend they are having the Carolina Fetish Flea Market which I am soooooo excited about! It's the first time its ever been in the Carolinas. Everyone I have talked to about it is going. I am hoping to find a couple things myself. But the absolute best part of going is that I will be taking my best friend with me. She has turned down every invite I have ever given her to any type of kink event but she has finally agreed to go with me to this. I really means alot to me because I have really wanted to share this aspect of my life with her for a long time. Several people have asked to go with us but I have turned them down because I really want it to be a time for the two of us. With school being as busy as it is this semester, we really don't get time to talk as much as we normally do. So I think it only appropriate to make this weekend a girls only weekend.
Wow I haven't written that much in a while and sadly I have about a 100 more thoughts to add but it's late, I'm tired and I have a full day tomorrow. TGIF.
I've been in a thinking mood lately. One of my professors told me once that I tend to "live in my head". She is so right. I think and plan and rethink and replan in my mind all the time. I've been spending a lot of time alone lately...thinking and rethinking. Probably the only person I really have been talking to lately is M. Which by the way has been a really beautiful experience. Sometimes we stay up so late at night talking about BDSM topics and whatnot that I have to cut him off so I can catch a couple hours of sleep before work. It's been a nice change of pace to have someone to bounce ideas and thoughts off of, who not only knows and understands me but also keeps an open mind to things that are new. I am taking him to the halloween party my group has in October. He expressed that he wanted to learn how to flog, which actually surprised me a bit. Well not as much as some of his fantasies that he told me. But then again, I kinda always knew it was there...its just that now he is vocalizing it. I also enjoy spending time with him lately because he is one of the few people who has been encouraging me in school and in my exploration. He wanted to hear all the details of Black Beat and even helped me pick out my first corset. The other night he asked me if I was ready for my trip to California and I said that I was but that I was very nervous. His reply was: "Nervous about what? Living your life?". I had to smile. You can't help but not to when someone puts it that way. It's been a bit frustrating with people telling me where I should and should not go, who I should and should not talk to, etc. Oh and my personal favorite...being told I was "out of my league". So as I said, alot of personal time.
I've also been in a bit of weepy state lately. I think it's PMS to be honest. With Halloween coming up, I can't help but think about D and it pulls on a piece of me. I started asking why does he bother me so much and I realized that he was the first person I really tried with. The person I thought I could give my all to and it crashed and burned in a blaze of glory. It's hard to believe its almost the end of the year. It's like the year has whizzed by and amazingly...there is so much more to come. I have my move to look forward to and my trips to Cali and Florida. Halloween is always a fun time of year and the holiday time. With all of this, I have started thinking on my journey...where I have been and where I am going. I started to thinking how happy I have been in the past few months despite a million papers and hours at work and bills. I have been in a state of happiness that is almost unfamiliar...but secure. I smile more. I have more patience and understanding and compassion for people. (And what better qualities for a future counselor?) When I tried to work things with A, I was trying to fit into a niche that wasn't for me. A square peg in a round hole if you will. All I can remember is that feeling of relief when he said it wouldn't work. It was as if I was waiting for him recognize what I had known for months. And with D, I gave too much...too quickly. He said the right things, but his actions didn't match. They never matched. Never. Some time over the past few months that feeling of failure has disappeared. I am not sure when or where but it left. I no longer feel like I have to fit in someone elses idea of what a submissive should feel like. I wish I was a better word smith but there is really an amazing feeling when you can look in the mirror and say "I'm ok with you as you are".
The other day I was talking to M and I started to tell him about my desire to increase my domestic skills and he asked me why. I have always felt that any woman can give a man pussy. It's really not that hard. But the love and dedication it takes to fix his meals a certain way or set out his cloths, and one of my favorites...to wash and groom him. I find that to be more intimate than sex. As I explained it to him he said that he had never thought of it that way and liked the idea of it. I think the next time I am over his house I'll ask to bathe him. Its been a long time since I have done that and I kinda miss it. I've been learning to cook lately. (waits for the gasps to stop) I figured that one...its another skill to add to my list and two...I really want to get back to eating like I used to and shed some weight. Tonight I made tortellini. It was damn good if I say so myself. My momma finished off the pot so it must not be that bad.
But what I seriously need to do is get my motivation back for school. Only 8 more months until graduation! It's almost surreal to me. Only a couple more months of class and then internship. I went to visit my future internship supervisor and he was so welcoming. He must have seen the look for fear in my face. LOL He came to my school for a meeting today and a couple of my classmates were like "I want to work for him!" I have started looking at apartments and the ones closest to my job are disappointing at best. I am going to have to look a bit further out for a decent place. I can't wait to have my privacy back. But I am almost nervous about that too. It seems like there is so much change in my life lately. But it's time and I am ready.
This weekend they are having the Carolina Fetish Flea Market which I am soooooo excited about! It's the first time its ever been in the Carolinas. Everyone I have talked to about it is going. I am hoping to find a couple things myself. But the absolute best part of going is that I will be taking my best friend with me. She has turned down every invite I have ever given her to any type of kink event but she has finally agreed to go with me to this. I really means alot to me because I have really wanted to share this aspect of my life with her for a long time. Several people have asked to go with us but I have turned them down because I really want it to be a time for the two of us. With school being as busy as it is this semester, we really don't get time to talk as much as we normally do. So I think it only appropriate to make this weekend a girls only weekend.
Wow I haven't written that much in a while and sadly I have about a 100 more thoughts to add but it's late, I'm tired and I have a full day tomorrow. TGIF.
posted by J. | 1:08 AM
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