isms and scisms
Another weekend is drawing closed and I probably should have done something on one of these papers that's due next week but I decided to spend most of my weekend on M's couch watching movies and ESPN Sportscenter. Gotta love the post-season.
I had an interesting conversation with E yesterday (and aren't they always interesting?) about our local BDSM scene. Since this summer, I have had a grown increasingly displeased with the groups in my area. I am starting to feel like the groups have only one agenda in mind, and that is to please whomever is the leader. I suppose that is fair but when I give my money every month to support activities, I believe my voice carries just as much weight. But I continue to face the same issues and problems. We had a discussion about one of the groups websites. He is doing a very nice job with the website and I on occasion provide him with web pages, etc to add to it. He asked me to be part of his team on a more formal basis but I politely declined as I really am not trying to commit to too many things right now, especially with my big internship coming up in January. He seemed insulted by my refusal saying that it was my way to get my point across. But its not the website I am want to see change in. I want to see change in the members. If I were to profile the membership I would say that the average person is white, middle class and around 45 years old. Needless to say... I kinda stick out. I feel there is a level of racism in the group that E says he has not experienced. However, I am not talking about KKK and burning flag racism, I am talking about stereotyping racism. One of the most irritating things that I have heard and unfortunately continue to hear from Dominants in the group, is that they are excited to meet me because they have "had fantasies about having a black slave". Um no. It makes me feel cheap. It makes me feel like all I am in a skin color, with no substance and no soul. A sex object and not in a good way. Perhaps it objectification at its worst. And sadly, many of them believe such words to be a compliment. Not that they care to be around me because of my personable charm or witty conversation...but simply because momma and daddy were black and they just so happened to make a black girl. Ugh, it makes me sick to even think about it. E says he doesn't see it but as a black male Dom who primarily likes white subs, it works for him. Like a friend of mine once said, "Some people just like being the token n###a." Yeah. I have sat at many dinners with a group of submissive white women who have exclaimed how excited they were to be with a black dominant. My question is always, "But then what?" I wish the POC group and the larger group were more succinct with each other. Maybe...hopefully...that is a goal that can be accomplished in the next year.
I have also recognized, much sooner than I did the racism, that there are themes of classism in the lifestyle. In my earlier days in the lifestyle I came to recognize that you had to have a certain income level to really be able to participate in the lifestyle. So lets see here, for the year 2008 I spent around $1500 on BDSM related events. And I think that's probably a rather low estimate. The only reason I am able to do that is one I don't have many bills and two, I don't have children. I can only imagine what it is like for those who do have bills and small children. I remember reading in a post that a man put up on yahoo that he felt that the group should increase its fees in order to weed out certain kinds of people. I was mind blown by that statement. Since when did money correlate with the character of a person? I like to think I am f respectable character but I am hardly rich or even middle class. I'm just another struggling college student. I do what I can, when I can and what I can't do, I leave it to everyone else. I know of several other people who would love to do more lifestyle events but the cost is preventative. I completely understand that. So I feel like it is up to the local groups to try to bring in those who can't make national events. I even believe in doing some type of fundraising to help those who can't afford it otherwise. Especially if you know they are a good hearted person who would benefit not only themselves but the community by being at events. If I could pay for everyone to go I would. Money is just a means...not an end. One of the things I would love to do once I finish with school is to get more involved in the community. It's difficult to do in my current situation but its only temporary. I would love to see more things happening that don't cost large sums of money so people don't feel intimidated about coming out. Especially black people. And even more so, younger black people.
I started thinking about these things a couple days ago when I realized that I was feeling lonely. I have so many thoughts running around in my head lately but there isn't anyone around to listen to them, at least anyone who would understand. I've given up on trying to talk to my best friend about it because she feels I am nuts and would do better to put my energy in other places. Where I am not really sure. She's been very short and distant lately. She has mentioned that she feels like I don't spend much time with her but her schedule and mine seem to go in opposite directions. I try to actively engage in activities that she likes but when I mention the idea of her doing an activity with me its usually met with a comment like "Not letting those people hit me". It used to be funny, but now its just annoying. I think in her mind this is a phase. I don't know. I don't really feel comfortable talking about this to my classmates, especially not the homophobic one. Never met a woman who condemned so many things in my life. She tells me all the time how much alike we are. She really doesn't have a clue. I have a couple female friends in the lifestyle but I would love to have more, especially submissive ones. Especially ones who support me in this journey. Especially ones who don't think I am crazy. I feel that when you add racism and classism on top of an already taboo area, it quickly weeds out would be members of the community. It's bad enough that it exists, its even worst when people refuse to acknowledge it. But its hard to change something that you don't believes exists.
I had an interesting conversation with E yesterday (and aren't they always interesting?) about our local BDSM scene. Since this summer, I have had a grown increasingly displeased with the groups in my area. I am starting to feel like the groups have only one agenda in mind, and that is to please whomever is the leader. I suppose that is fair but when I give my money every month to support activities, I believe my voice carries just as much weight. But I continue to face the same issues and problems. We had a discussion about one of the groups websites. He is doing a very nice job with the website and I on occasion provide him with web pages, etc to add to it. He asked me to be part of his team on a more formal basis but I politely declined as I really am not trying to commit to too many things right now, especially with my big internship coming up in January. He seemed insulted by my refusal saying that it was my way to get my point across. But its not the website I am want to see change in. I want to see change in the members. If I were to profile the membership I would say that the average person is white, middle class and around 45 years old. Needless to say... I kinda stick out. I feel there is a level of racism in the group that E says he has not experienced. However, I am not talking about KKK and burning flag racism, I am talking about stereotyping racism. One of the most irritating things that I have heard and unfortunately continue to hear from Dominants in the group, is that they are excited to meet me because they have "had fantasies about having a black slave". Um no. It makes me feel cheap. It makes me feel like all I am in a skin color, with no substance and no soul. A sex object and not in a good way. Perhaps it objectification at its worst. And sadly, many of them believe such words to be a compliment. Not that they care to be around me because of my personable charm or witty conversation...but simply because momma and daddy were black and they just so happened to make a black girl. Ugh, it makes me sick to even think about it. E says he doesn't see it but as a black male Dom who primarily likes white subs, it works for him. Like a friend of mine once said, "Some people just like being the token n###a." Yeah. I have sat at many dinners with a group of submissive white women who have exclaimed how excited they were to be with a black dominant. My question is always, "But then what?" I wish the POC group and the larger group were more succinct with each other. Maybe...hopefully...that is a goal that can be accomplished in the next year.
I have also recognized, much sooner than I did the racism, that there are themes of classism in the lifestyle. In my earlier days in the lifestyle I came to recognize that you had to have a certain income level to really be able to participate in the lifestyle. So lets see here, for the year 2008 I spent around $1500 on BDSM related events. And I think that's probably a rather low estimate. The only reason I am able to do that is one I don't have many bills and two, I don't have children. I can only imagine what it is like for those who do have bills and small children. I remember reading in a post that a man put up on yahoo that he felt that the group should increase its fees in order to weed out certain kinds of people. I was mind blown by that statement. Since when did money correlate with the character of a person? I like to think I am f respectable character but I am hardly rich or even middle class. I'm just another struggling college student. I do what I can, when I can and what I can't do, I leave it to everyone else. I know of several other people who would love to do more lifestyle events but the cost is preventative. I completely understand that. So I feel like it is up to the local groups to try to bring in those who can't make national events. I even believe in doing some type of fundraising to help those who can't afford it otherwise. Especially if you know they are a good hearted person who would benefit not only themselves but the community by being at events. If I could pay for everyone to go I would. Money is just a means...not an end. One of the things I would love to do once I finish with school is to get more involved in the community. It's difficult to do in my current situation but its only temporary. I would love to see more things happening that don't cost large sums of money so people don't feel intimidated about coming out. Especially black people. And even more so, younger black people.
I started thinking about these things a couple days ago when I realized that I was feeling lonely. I have so many thoughts running around in my head lately but there isn't anyone around to listen to them, at least anyone who would understand. I've given up on trying to talk to my best friend about it because she feels I am nuts and would do better to put my energy in other places. Where I am not really sure. She's been very short and distant lately. She has mentioned that she feels like I don't spend much time with her but her schedule and mine seem to go in opposite directions. I try to actively engage in activities that she likes but when I mention the idea of her doing an activity with me its usually met with a comment like "Not letting those people hit me". It used to be funny, but now its just annoying. I think in her mind this is a phase. I don't know. I don't really feel comfortable talking about this to my classmates, especially not the homophobic one. Never met a woman who condemned so many things in my life. She tells me all the time how much alike we are. She really doesn't have a clue. I have a couple female friends in the lifestyle but I would love to have more, especially submissive ones. Especially ones who support me in this journey. Especially ones who don't think I am crazy. I feel that when you add racism and classism on top of an already taboo area, it quickly weeds out would be members of the community. It's bad enough that it exists, its even worst when people refuse to acknowledge it. But its hard to change something that you don't believes exists.
posted by J. | 8:43 PM
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