The Silence is Deafening

Borrowed from a post from the Dark Connections message boards:

what if a sub doesn't have a Dom'me to consult with, should they
still feel ok voicing their opinion on topics, or will they be seen
as less submissive?

the truth is that a lot of times subs are looked at in a different
light if they take a firm position on a topic (even if they
have permission from their Dom'me to do so).

this is why some of us remain quiet at times.

I was browsing through the message boards this evening when that particular post stood out to me. It stood out primarily because I have experienced just that the past couple of days. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized this isn't a new issue. Its an old and tired one.

So as it stands, most of this journey of mine has been a lone one. I have served many dominants but never been collared or ever formally belonged to any of them. However within the past couple of years I have become more active in the BDSM community and have had the privilege and enjoyment of meeting with and making friends with several Dominants. One of the biggest problems I have with friends who are Dominants is what I call "ownership by association". Ownership by association is a real pain in my ass. Its when my Dom/me friends like to exert their dominance over me in such a way that it becomes a part of the friendship. I have a Domme friend who is the queen of this. When she wants me to do something or she isn't particularly pleased with my response to something she comes back with "You're a submissive". Every time someone says that I want to scream. I've known about my submission for nearly 10 years now. I wake up every morning knowing full well that Jessica is a submissive. I don't need the reminders. But somewhere on this planet there is a handbook that spells out allllll the things that a submissive is "supposed" to do. I am not a rude woman by nature. In fact I am probably nice to a fault. So I primarily blame this on myself. I should have nipped this in the bud long time ago but I have let people guilt me with the "You're a submissive" line for so long that now when I want to refuse something it's seen as mean or disrespectful. It's hard to want to take a stance on certain subjects because once you slap the "submissive" label on yourself you are held to a different set of rules.

I remember once asking a Dom if I had told him that I was a Domme, would it make a difference in what I had just said. He found my words to be blunt for a submissive but seemingly fine for a dominant. Case in point, today I got a phone call from D while I was watching TV and he told me to go somewhere private. I was a bit annoyed to be pulled away from the evening news so I asked him what was on his mind that he needed to talk about and he got irritated and asked why I was being such a bitch. Part of the problem was that one...I was watching the news and two...I really want him to get the picture that we are no longer together and I don't jump when he says jump. He said I was being rude when really, I would have probably done that to just about anyone else who called. But in his mind, a submissive should be ready to do when he said do. I guess the biggest issue is that I am not his submissive. I don't have to do what he wants me to do. He's not my dominant, he doesn't have to attend to me....my Domme friend is not my owner, she doesn't have to give me support. And they don't! So why is it that the load is so heavy on my end? I don't want to be the community submissive. I don't want to serve the world. It just gets me so frustrated when I take a stance on a topic that it's seen as being outside of desirable submissive qualities. I had a male sub that I met r/t some time ago tell me the other day that I seemed to be such a "strong black woman" when we met me, that he was disappointed to find out that I was submissive. How disgusting is that?! I was angry at him for suggesting that strength and character could only be found in a dominant woman.

There are very few topics that bother me as much as this one. Every time I think about how people talk to me and treat me because I identify as a submissive it makes me want to cry. (And I am trying not to now) I don't want be a dumbed-down version of a woman because it fits neatly inside of someones view of what a submissive is. There are some days I feel so worn and beaten down that I feel like saying "I quit." The other day I looked at a post from the coordinator of our POC group and on it was her name and the name of another coordinator as usual but under their names was the name of another Domme in the area who just joined a couple months ago. They were listed as the core members of the group and I was amazed. I have worked diligently with the group for years. I have supported it physically, emotionally and financially and in that email sat another woman's name. I was told this new woman was disappointed in me at our last meeting for not inquiring about what she wanted to speak privately to me about. I wasn't aware that in chapter 7, section 6.8 of the Ye Olde Submissive Handbook that if a Dominant says they want to talk to you, you are supposed to remind them that they want to talk to you, so that they can tell you, that they want to talk to you and then subsequently, talk to you. Right.

But after a couple conversations this week I have decided that 2008 is gonna be a new dawn. I want to be around more positive people and people who respect what I have to say and not only when it fits their agenda. I want people who respect the fact that I am not owned and that the things I do are out of love and not obligation. And I want people to realize that I am not their child, I am not their resource to be used until I am used up and that above everything else, I was born a person, a human being, someone with feelings before I was recognized as a submissive. I don't want to be disrespectful but I am tired of being silent. It may make others around me happy but some days it eats me inside. It makes me feel like a lessor being. And I am not, not in the slightest. I "grin and bare it" alot and for some people, I do so affectionately but for some others, its not worth it to me anymore. I don't feel the need to prove myself as a submissive as I used to. I know who I am and those who really take the time to get to know me do as well. And I truly enjoy giving those people my all, because they understand the place I am coming from. But I am having a hard time remaining silent anymore. It might be whisper in the wind to the world but to me it is deafening....