As the World Turns
So the past few weeks have been hectic and a whirlwind to say the very least. As I write this I am tired and about to pass out so I hope I don't sound too crazy.
The month started off with a phone call on the first Saturday of the month. I was getting the oil changed on my car and received a call from a private number. I thought it might be M. since we were planning to go out later that same night and his phone has a tendency to show up like that. On the other end was a woman, who calls herself Stormy who started to ask about how I knew D. I told her and after I hung up the phone , I called him and left a message on his voice mail to not have women calling my phone. Well she called back in a matter of minutes and explained that she was his fiance and that apparently he had been lying to her about somethings. I had never heard of this woman and normally would have cared less but she is vanilla and had no clues about his dealings in the lifestyle. I looked on his yahoo page and saw a note from a woman, Doll, who I messaged and asked if she had received a call as well. She said yes and we began speaking and comparing notes and had come to find that he had been cheating on alot of women for a long time. I felt, and still do, feel pretty bad for Doll. She helped him to buy his jeep and has put him up in her home. She said one day she came home to find him gathering his things and moving out. I have also come to learn that he met her when he was supposedly with me. That was when the phone calls had started to get few and far between. I looked at my old blog posts about him and just had this over whelming sense of emptiness. There is such a sadness in me because I realized that all of that was a big lie. Nothing. But I really wasn't too upset with the news. I had an idea for a while now. I spent sometime talking to Doll to try to help her through because I remember that feeling, how I felt when he disappeared on me. She kept saying how strong I was and well maybe I am. I don't feel like it though. I guess I have had more time to get over it than she has. One night D called Doll to tell her that he and Stormy broke up (Stormy and Doll met for lunch one day) and that he needed Doll to pick him up. She says she said no a couple times and then finally said yes. She said he then hung up the phone and never called back. I called Stormy to confirm my suspicions that this was all a hoax. And yeah, it was. I cussed that woman out for over an hour. Things are hard enough and playing childish high school games are unneeded. I have come to find that Stormy is a 38 year old lady and apparently very nice looking. She and D are supposed to get married in March and I will be watching the papers to see the announcement. I think she is desperate for a husband. And part of me feels sorry for her because if I know D, he won't do anything but what he has done before: lie and cheat. I pray I don't become so desperate for a man in my life that i will take whatever idiot comes my way. I can do bad all by myself.
I have started my internship and its been very nice. I am enjoying it more than I thought I would. I have a great supervisor and everyone in the office is so friendly and helpful. I met another intern and she absolutely fascinates me. She is a petite white girl from VA. She worked as a private counselor up there before pursuing her masters degree. She already owns a home and rents it out since she has moved down here. She lives in the apartment complex that I keep obsessing about. She has a scooter that she rides around town, and a nice SUV with the coolest GPS I have ever seen. She looks like my life, the way I dreamed it up. She is a little too perky for my likes but she interests me and motivates me. Its been a long time since another woman has done that.
This weekend was short and long all in the same boat. I was very excited to talk to C. and hear he and G. were coming to the meeting/play party this weekend. I was itching to play and couldn't wait. The day before they were to leave C dropped the bomb on me that G was bringing a sub with him. I said ok and left it alone. I got in town on friday night and got a hotel room in a Hilton. I was tired and really didn't feel like being around too many people. I did stop by their hotel room and sitting on the couch was his sub. I smiled and was polite and while I had nothing against her I realized my plans were shot down when she mentioned that their relationship was exclusive. I was mildly irritated at the fact that this was the same man who yelled at me about going to California and got huffy anytime I ever mentioned another man's name but sitting in front of my eyes was his sub. We all had dinner at a Japanese restaurant and headed back to the hotel. They wanted me to spend the night there but I was extremely tired from work and driving all day and I didn't really have much of a desire to being around the happy couple. I got some great sleep friday night and figured I was all set for Saturday. Wrong! I checked out of the hotel and took my things to the hotel were the trio was staying. Every so often G would tap me with a cane or a flogger, something...and I was smile and pull away. I thought he might get the point but I guess he didn't because he continued to do so until I started to get irritated. I would look at the TV and in the corner of my eye I could see him staring at me, waiting for me to talk to him. I didn't have anything to say. I figured I would get the chance to play with C. but he was busy chatting on the computer for most of the trip. I was starting to feel like a serious 3rd wheel and the more time that passed the more resentful I became. I wanted to leave and have some alone time to get my mind together but someone was always pulling me to stay with the group. O wanted me to send him nude pictures and I hate taking nude pictures. With a serious passion. I talked to him earlier in the evening and I was already frustrated with the day and I took the wrong tone with him. I didn't mean to and I felt like crap afterwards. I said "I miss you" to him before we hung up and he replied "You too". My emotions were on a downward spiral and unfortunately I couldn't blame it on PMS. I took the pictures and sent them to him but I was so upset by it I sat in the bathroom and cried. I went to the play party and it was rather dull. I saw Eric and he reached to hug me and I stiffened up. C said my body language changed around him. I just didn't want to be touched. I really needed my own space.
We went to dinner and G's girl was nice enough to pay for my dinner. I wonder if she knew or not. When we got back to the hotel I watched TV and went to bed. C and I shared a bed and I thought that giving him a bj would make me feel better and it didn't. I laid in bed for a while before I realized I was crying. I didn't mean to wake him up but I did and wanted me to talk to him and I didn't really want to talk but I did and I told him about how frustrated I was with the day. He agreed it was a bit of an insensitive thing for G to do and that he didn't mean to ignore me for the computer and without thinking I just said "It's ok". He said that it wasn't and I found that "it's ok" is my smooth over phrase. He talked about me going to school and getting my PhD but really all i want to do is live life, like normal people. I was up until about 5:30 this morning. I couldn't sleep. I had one of my little chats with God and eventually fell asleep. I got up this morning and packed up and the trio had to get going to get on the road. G gave me this breath-stopping bear hug and said "be good girl". I think it was the first time I had really smiled at him the whole weekend. Maybe he understood. Maybe he didn't. But I didn't want him to go home thinking I was mad at him. C gave me a hug and told me to be positive and given some much needed sleep I will be again. I had lunch with my best friend and recanted the story. I told me that lately she had felt like she had done nothing with her life. I feel like that somedays too. I don't see a PhD fixing that anytime soon. I got home and realized that the internet was off and so I left the house and my momma tried to apologize but I just told her that it was ok and left. So right now I am sitting in a Kinko's hammering this out before it burns a whole in my poor brain. I am so tired I drifted at a stop light on the way here. I am about to call it a night and head home and close myself up in my room until tomorrow. I think I just need some alone time to realign myself and get back to basics.
The month started off with a phone call on the first Saturday of the month. I was getting the oil changed on my car and received a call from a private number. I thought it might be M. since we were planning to go out later that same night and his phone has a tendency to show up like that. On the other end was a woman, who calls herself Stormy who started to ask about how I knew D. I told her and after I hung up the phone , I called him and left a message on his voice mail to not have women calling my phone. Well she called back in a matter of minutes and explained that she was his fiance and that apparently he had been lying to her about somethings. I had never heard of this woman and normally would have cared less but she is vanilla and had no clues about his dealings in the lifestyle. I looked on his yahoo page and saw a note from a woman, Doll, who I messaged and asked if she had received a call as well. She said yes and we began speaking and comparing notes and had come to find that he had been cheating on alot of women for a long time. I felt, and still do, feel pretty bad for Doll. She helped him to buy his jeep and has put him up in her home. She said one day she came home to find him gathering his things and moving out. I have also come to learn that he met her when he was supposedly with me. That was when the phone calls had started to get few and far between. I looked at my old blog posts about him and just had this over whelming sense of emptiness. There is such a sadness in me because I realized that all of that was a big lie. Nothing. But I really wasn't too upset with the news. I had an idea for a while now. I spent sometime talking to Doll to try to help her through because I remember that feeling, how I felt when he disappeared on me. She kept saying how strong I was and well maybe I am. I don't feel like it though. I guess I have had more time to get over it than she has. One night D called Doll to tell her that he and Stormy broke up (Stormy and Doll met for lunch one day) and that he needed Doll to pick him up. She says she said no a couple times and then finally said yes. She said he then hung up the phone and never called back. I called Stormy to confirm my suspicions that this was all a hoax. And yeah, it was. I cussed that woman out for over an hour. Things are hard enough and playing childish high school games are unneeded. I have come to find that Stormy is a 38 year old lady and apparently very nice looking. She and D are supposed to get married in March and I will be watching the papers to see the announcement. I think she is desperate for a husband. And part of me feels sorry for her because if I know D, he won't do anything but what he has done before: lie and cheat. I pray I don't become so desperate for a man in my life that i will take whatever idiot comes my way. I can do bad all by myself.
I have started my internship and its been very nice. I am enjoying it more than I thought I would. I have a great supervisor and everyone in the office is so friendly and helpful. I met another intern and she absolutely fascinates me. She is a petite white girl from VA. She worked as a private counselor up there before pursuing her masters degree. She already owns a home and rents it out since she has moved down here. She lives in the apartment complex that I keep obsessing about. She has a scooter that she rides around town, and a nice SUV with the coolest GPS I have ever seen. She looks like my life, the way I dreamed it up. She is a little too perky for my likes but she interests me and motivates me. Its been a long time since another woman has done that.
This weekend was short and long all in the same boat. I was very excited to talk to C. and hear he and G. were coming to the meeting/play party this weekend. I was itching to play and couldn't wait. The day before they were to leave C dropped the bomb on me that G was bringing a sub with him. I said ok and left it alone. I got in town on friday night and got a hotel room in a Hilton. I was tired and really didn't feel like being around too many people. I did stop by their hotel room and sitting on the couch was his sub. I smiled and was polite and while I had nothing against her I realized my plans were shot down when she mentioned that their relationship was exclusive. I was mildly irritated at the fact that this was the same man who yelled at me about going to California and got huffy anytime I ever mentioned another man's name but sitting in front of my eyes was his sub. We all had dinner at a Japanese restaurant and headed back to the hotel. They wanted me to spend the night there but I was extremely tired from work and driving all day and I didn't really have much of a desire to being around the happy couple. I got some great sleep friday night and figured I was all set for Saturday. Wrong! I checked out of the hotel and took my things to the hotel were the trio was staying. Every so often G would tap me with a cane or a flogger, something...and I was smile and pull away. I thought he might get the point but I guess he didn't because he continued to do so until I started to get irritated. I would look at the TV and in the corner of my eye I could see him staring at me, waiting for me to talk to him. I didn't have anything to say. I figured I would get the chance to play with C. but he was busy chatting on the computer for most of the trip. I was starting to feel like a serious 3rd wheel and the more time that passed the more resentful I became. I wanted to leave and have some alone time to get my mind together but someone was always pulling me to stay with the group. O wanted me to send him nude pictures and I hate taking nude pictures. With a serious passion. I talked to him earlier in the evening and I was already frustrated with the day and I took the wrong tone with him. I didn't mean to and I felt like crap afterwards. I said "I miss you" to him before we hung up and he replied "You too". My emotions were on a downward spiral and unfortunately I couldn't blame it on PMS. I took the pictures and sent them to him but I was so upset by it I sat in the bathroom and cried. I went to the play party and it was rather dull. I saw Eric and he reached to hug me and I stiffened up. C said my body language changed around him. I just didn't want to be touched. I really needed my own space.
We went to dinner and G's girl was nice enough to pay for my dinner. I wonder if she knew or not. When we got back to the hotel I watched TV and went to bed. C and I shared a bed and I thought that giving him a bj would make me feel better and it didn't. I laid in bed for a while before I realized I was crying. I didn't mean to wake him up but I did and wanted me to talk to him and I didn't really want to talk but I did and I told him about how frustrated I was with the day. He agreed it was a bit of an insensitive thing for G to do and that he didn't mean to ignore me for the computer and without thinking I just said "It's ok". He said that it wasn't and I found that "it's ok" is my smooth over phrase. He talked about me going to school and getting my PhD but really all i want to do is live life, like normal people. I was up until about 5:30 this morning. I couldn't sleep. I had one of my little chats with God and eventually fell asleep. I got up this morning and packed up and the trio had to get going to get on the road. G gave me this breath-stopping bear hug and said "be good girl". I think it was the first time I had really smiled at him the whole weekend. Maybe he understood. Maybe he didn't. But I didn't want him to go home thinking I was mad at him. C gave me a hug and told me to be positive and given some much needed sleep I will be again. I had lunch with my best friend and recanted the story. I told me that lately she had felt like she had done nothing with her life. I feel like that somedays too. I don't see a PhD fixing that anytime soon. I got home and realized that the internet was off and so I left the house and my momma tried to apologize but I just told her that it was ok and left. So right now I am sitting in a Kinko's hammering this out before it burns a whole in my poor brain. I am so tired I drifted at a stop light on the way here. I am about to call it a night and head home and close myself up in my room until tomorrow. I think I just need some alone time to realign myself and get back to basics.
posted by J. | 5:20 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home