The Student Writes

I have just finished yet another day at the internship and I am tired. My hope is to get in bed a little earlier than normal but the likelihood of that happening is pretty slim. My hope is to get back to writing more often but lately I find that its not really time that's holding me back, but rather the lack of a desire to write. I have been giving serious consideration to moving my blog to a private blog site. I've started to censor my writing and it irritates me. I've been pretty stressed lately but its not the kind of stress that makes you want to give up. Rather its more stress toward the continuous feeling of always having something to do. I am continuously calling people who had agreed to call me at a certain time and day, calling bill collectors who have sent me incorrect bills, talking to school staff who don't have a clue what the difference is between their head and their ass and worst yet, trying to get my friends to understand that I just don't have the time anymore. Between 40 hours a week at the internship, 5 hours at the PT and school work, I feel like I don't really have much of a life. However, in remarkable fashion, I am pretty happy. For years I have had dreams of a 8-5 lifestyle and with graduation around the corner, I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I got called for a job interview in California and I am beyond ecstatic about going and interviewing. I really didn't think anything would come of me taking their state test but I can't help feeling like there is a reason for all things. Even this. My best friend has been pretty vocal in her disapproval of me going out of state to live, but if it wasn't CA it was going to be GA or FL. I want to immerse myself in the lifestyle for a while, before I decide to settle down and fall into a routine. I am looking forward to the weekend. I am spending the night with M at one of the local hotels. It's been so long since we have just hung out together without having to rush off to which ever of our jobs called first. I feel like I owe him a quiet weekend after the new years eve mess. Honestly I am just happy to have the opportunity to sleep in peace without someone (or some cat) harassing me. Daddy seems pretty set on the idea that I have a bf now (M) and that's fine by me. It's just one less question to answer. I have considered telling my little brother about the lifestyle. Lately he has been surprisingly open with me. I was talking to him last night on the computer and he told me he had been so stressed the other night because he felt like he had to do well and do what I have done. I felt bad that he felt that way and told him he only needed to be himself. He didn't need to be like me. I am not sure how he got the idea to define success on what I have done. It's hardly that. Maybe less than hardly. I have started to feel that I have worked so hard in finding a career and doing well in school to overcompensate where I lack in other areas. Oh! I had the most interesting experience yesterday. I was looking in my email for E's old police record and started reading through my old emails. Wow, talk about a trip down memory lane. I had emails from my old chatro days and emails from just about every Dom I ever served or was interested in serving(remember Neal and Sandi? Blast from the past!). I had emails from people I haven't spoken to in years. It was like time had stood still in my inbox. But what made me so excited about this collection of letters is the fact that I really got a sense of where I started in the lifestyle and where I am now. I don't feel like I have to settle for who ever comes my way. I read one particular email from E and realized that there is no way in the hell I would ever put myself through that again. It's funny now but back then, I was in agony. I thought I would move mountains. No one can ever accuse me of being a quitter without cause. For about the past month, I have talked to O on the ride home from work, (his ride) and its quickly become one of my favorite parts of the day. I love the fact that there is no pretense. We just talk. I asked him one night why he talked to me and he said that he didn't feel like I wanted anything from him, such as toys or being in his group. That was a huge compliment because well one it's true, and two because he recognized it. I am starting to like him more and more with each conversation and I am glad he was persistent. LOL I've tried to communicate this to him. I think he got it. Maybe not. I am not the best communicator when talking about myself. I can talk and sell someone else with the best of them (I mean that's part of what I do for a living!) But that's part of my life long to do list. That to-do list gets shorter and longer everyday. I gave up on finishing it long time ago. Anywho, I am rambling simply because I have more thoughts than I have time. I suppose thats not as bad as it sounds. It would be worst. I could have more time and less thoughts.

12 days a week

This past week felt like a 12 day week. It was looong.

I got in bed last night and flipped through a copy of Essence magazine and there was an article about Tyra Banks and her story of success. One of the highlighted comments was one she made about how fear was her driving force. She told about her childhood and how her family lived in poverty and struggled and she did what she did so she didn't have to live like that again. I can completely relate to that. When my bank account dips below a certain number, I panic. When plans do go as I think they should, I panic. When I can't make a decision, I loose my damn mind.

I have a joke with my classmates that I am trying to catch up on life. Between school, internship, my side job and personal matters I am spending my waking moments trying to keep my head above water. I am tired, mentally. I have so much going on, I don't even have time to have sex. I have no desire to go to a play party this month because I already know I will only leave more frustrated than when I got there. It's alot on my plate but I would rather more going on, than not enough.

I told my best friend about an interview I was called for in California and she seemed more excited about it than I was. I told her I was nervous and scared. She said I was only trying to convince myself I was afraid and that I didn't really have fear. I kinda laughed it off but she went on in quite a serious tone and started rattling off this list of things I have done. They didn't seem like great accomplishments, in face some of them were just dumb moves (Like Omaha...doh!) But I hate being stagnant and bored more than fearful. My classmate told me about a couple jobs in VA and I have been looking into Florida and Georgia. I have to get out of this area. After my last weekend with C and G, the realization of how much I needed a change hit me hard. I don't feel like I belong anymore. I suppose thats not really a bad thing but its a lonely feeling.

And to top it all off I have PMS this week. I feel like crawling back in bed and trying this again later but too much to do...not enough time to do it in...