12 days a week

This past week felt like a 12 day week. It was looong.

I got in bed last night and flipped through a copy of Essence magazine and there was an article about Tyra Banks and her story of success. One of the highlighted comments was one she made about how fear was her driving force. She told about her childhood and how her family lived in poverty and struggled and she did what she did so she didn't have to live like that again. I can completely relate to that. When my bank account dips below a certain number, I panic. When plans do go as I think they should, I panic. When I can't make a decision, I loose my damn mind.

I have a joke with my classmates that I am trying to catch up on life. Between school, internship, my side job and personal matters I am spending my waking moments trying to keep my head above water. I am tired, mentally. I have so much going on, I don't even have time to have sex. I have no desire to go to a play party this month because I already know I will only leave more frustrated than when I got there. It's alot on my plate but I would rather more going on, than not enough.

I told my best friend about an interview I was called for in California and she seemed more excited about it than I was. I told her I was nervous and scared. She said I was only trying to convince myself I was afraid and that I didn't really have fear. I kinda laughed it off but she went on in quite a serious tone and started rattling off this list of things I have done. They didn't seem like great accomplishments, in face some of them were just dumb moves (Like Omaha...doh!) But I hate being stagnant and bored more than fearful. My classmate told me about a couple jobs in VA and I have been looking into Florida and Georgia. I have to get out of this area. After my last weekend with C and G, the realization of how much I needed a change hit me hard. I don't feel like I belong anymore. I suppose thats not really a bad thing but its a lonely feeling.

And to top it all off I have PMS this week. I feel like crawling back in bed and trying this again later but too much to do...not enough time to do it in...