Going Back to Cali

I hate when several eventful days pass before I write. I feel like there is so much to write about and I might miss the important things. I just got back yesterday from several days in California with Orpheus and Indigo. I took Skybus for the first time and was pretty pleased with it. The seats were kinda narrow and the seats didn't recline (at least I couldn't figure out how to do it) but overall I was pleased with the service and the price. Besides I slept most of the time I was flying. I also got to test my new GPS for the first time in unfamiliar territory and was sooooo ecstatic with its performance. I encourage everyone to go out and buy a Magellan GPS system. When I got into town on Thursday, O was at work and I met Indy at the house. She and I spent most of the day riding around. Driving in California was a bit, alot different. But I don't think it was anything I couldn't get used to. Its still amazing to me to see so many stores and houses so close together. We had lunch with O that afternoon. Indy made asian food that night. I am honestly amazed at her cooking skills. I guess all those years of avoiding all things domestic didn't serve me as well as I had hoped they would. Or maybe they did. Who knows. In any case the food was great. He took off from work on Friday and we went to the Fashion District. Wow...talk about an experience. It was amazing to see so much stuff packed in one place. I don't think you could ever navigate the entire length. They took me to a corset shop where I bought a new waist cincher. The store owner was so nice and friendly. He kept giving me all these compliments and who the heck knew I wore a 34 in waist cincher...now thats something. I always figured I was a 38. He bent me over and put his knee in my ass while he laced me up. It really made me blush. As much as I hate it, I love being put on display. Gotta love (or hate) the dualities of life. Saturday we went to a meeting at a local dungeon and man was I bored to death. The guy had one of those kinds of voices that lulled you to sleep. I sure could use him now to put me out. We went back to the dungeon later that night...and I mean later. I could tell he was tired and I told him I didn't mind not playing he he said that I would. It kinda hurt my feelings because I really wasn't all that interested in playing. But some reason people never really believe me when I say that. Kinda like me not liking chocolate. Apparently is not easily believed. Before we started playing a man came in and called me by the name of one of O's others subs and my heart sank even lower, because the last thing I wanted to be looked upon as was someone's "replacement". We played and I am still sitting on bruises. He whipped me with a studded belt while I held the massager on my clit. That was an amazing feeling for the moment but the aftermath hasn't left much to be desired. He covered my face with his hand and that was one of the most panicky feelings I have ever had in my life. I was afraid I might really pass out. Afterwards he put rope around my neck and I was done. not sure where I went but my mind was certainly not on this planet. The ride back to the house was very uncomfortable as I felt every inch of my behind sting. My heart hit rock bottom when I was getting ready for bed and he told me I could sleep on the floor or on the sofa. I kinda felt like I been rejected. I tried sleeping on the sofa but my hand kept falling asleep so I moved to the floor. I slept on my stomach because again my bottom was too sore to be touched. Sunday rolled around and was pretty quiet. I got to get some studying in and spent time talking with their children. Kids are always entertaining to me. We had movie night and O invited a new girl over. He describes her as a "rockabilly" chick. I wasn't really feeling her. At first I thought I was being discriminatory and felt bad (she is white) but then I realized, I really just wasn't interested and let it go. When bed time rolled around again I was back on the floor and this time in way more pain than the night before. My ribs were hurting and several times I twisted and turned and contemplated getting a hotel room for the night. I put a blanket under my ribs and get some sleep that way. I don't know why but the pain was enough to bring tears. Though I am not sure which pain it was that incited them. Monday I got up and went to my job interview and was blown away at how well I had done. The lady who interviewed me told me I was a "breath of fresh air" and I couldn't do anything but grin. In the one hour time I started to feel like I was on top of the world again. At least my world. Ohh she said she could see me in management someday! I always did do my best in corporate affairs. I am looking forward to getting an official offer any day soon. As I was driving to my interview I noticed that I only worked a few blocks up from O's job and I went to have lunch with him. I wasn't feeling very chatty and he tried to pull a conversation out of me but I guess all I really wanted to do was be near him and think. I don't know if the years have done me well or not, but I realized on my drive home that I had grown a wall inside that was ready to push people out before they got in. It's a gift as much as a curse. We took a walk that evening and despite the fact that I now have mosquito bites on top of bruises (pulls on my hair) I was glad we did.

The flight back home was pretty nice. The plane was emptier and I slept through the flight. When I got off the plane I went by M's house on the way home. He listened to my story about my trip and became entertained by my bruises. He claimed that I was constantly teasing him and oddly enough, I really had only stopped by to talk. Actually the last few times have been purely innocent visits but some way or another I end up on my back. I have my thoughts about that for another day. I went home and talked to my momma for a while. I asked her if she thought I was crazy for wanting to move so far away and she said "I'll visit you". She has some moments, good moments.

The next day, panic set in. I started feeling like an animal in a box and went through a series of "what ifs". What if he wants me to do this? What if I have to stop dating? What if I have to say that? Pure panic. The only thing that flashed in my mind was "Get out! Get out!" It sounds nuts but panicked for hours. I told my best friend about my weekend and she started to worry if moving was such a good idea. So did I. Sometimes I truly hate the baggage I come with. All I could think was about every bad thing that could possibly go wrong. He called later that evening and we talked and he answered some of my questions and the panic started to calm. Freedom isn't that easy to give up. That's probably a good thing. My biggest fear is that I was screw up. I want thing to work but I want things to work the right way. Now that the panic has settled I am back to normal. Being a girl is such a drag sometimes.

Overall it was a wonderful trip and despite a couple minor setbacks I am still very dedicated. It's going to take some work to readjust my mind from my self pervasive thoughts. I just need to learn to turn it on and off as needed.

I had so much more to write but I am soo tired. Tomorrow I am supposed to meet D for dinner to hear his apology. I am not even sure if I have the mindset to deal with him. But at least I won't be alone. His other ex-gf is supposed to be there as well. The minute I got the call I remembered exactly why I panic so much. Yeah....I need sleep.