The Submissive Writes
It's been sometime since I have had a moment to really pen my thoughts and feelings here. And honestly I don't really have the time now, but I am making it.
Needless to say I have been busy. I can say with full confidence there is no way I would go to school full time and go to work full-time. This semester is about to kill me. I feel like nothing is getting done and there are 1000's more things to be added to the list. I have dreams about forgetting school work and failing school. They have startled me out of my sleep. However on the flip side I realize that the path is ahead and there is no time to stop now. My counselor exam is in a month and I am sooo not ready. I am going to have to cut social time back seriously. Failure is not an option. Never was and damn sure isn't now.
I have made the decision to pack up my life and move to California. The decision took me sometime to come to but when it was all said and done and set in my mind, I realized it was something I had to do. I have told my family and friends and while most of my friends are not happy about the decision, they have been at least mildly supportive. This year marks a decade of learning, experiencing and attempting to become a part of this lifestyle. I feel like I only started a year or two ago. I feel like if I am going to do this, I need to do this right or not do it at all. A couple weeks ago Orpheus told me he had talked to his girls and would like to put me in consideration. The first word out of my mouth was "Huh?" Smoooooth. In my mind I had hoped he would do such but I didn't think it was a possibility. I look at his girls and well...I don't look like them. I am trying to learn to stop second guessing myself. It's one of the qualities about myself that I truly loathe. Its amazing how in some aspects I love to toot my own horn and in others I cower. I have been browsing the myspace pages and all the girls over there look alike: black hair, dark eyes, stick straight bodies. Soooo I might stick out. But in times when I start to feel shy I like to remember that he chose me for a reason and the last thing I want to do is disappoint him. So when I get to feeling self conscious I inhale, exhale and suck it up...the best I can. I am heading out to CA next week and I am more nervous this time than I was the first time. Typical me. I am always nervous the second time. Maybe the fear of the unexpected over takes the fear the first time. But above all else, I am excited to go and anticipate the new life that is waiting for me on the other side of the country.
I have recently distanced myself from my local group. As much as I would love to jump in feet first and pitch in, I don't really have the energy to desire lately. They seem to have their own ideas of how things should be ran and have little concern for the ideas of others. To be frank, they have become "lame". There seems to be a rush to focus on the desires of one or two people and not the group on a whole. The Ex (E) is on the board now and has been preaching to me about not being active anymore. I don't have the time to waste on people who could much less give a damn about what I have to say. Part of me felt like I needed to make more of an effort to make up with him after C & G's trip but I can say lately I just don't care. Why bother? I think its my guilt complex. I hate for people to not like me. I gotta get over that too.
Speaking of people not liking me, I have had fantasies about cussing out G for a couple days now and I have realized that I do hold things in. I mean I feel good just thinking about the rant that would come out. But then again, logic pops in (every so often anyway) and I figure, whats the point? Well the fantasies make me feel good and besides, isn't that what they should do anyway?
Anywho....work awaits and so does my bed.
Needless to say I have been busy. I can say with full confidence there is no way I would go to school full time and go to work full-time. This semester is about to kill me. I feel like nothing is getting done and there are 1000's more things to be added to the list. I have dreams about forgetting school work and failing school. They have startled me out of my sleep. However on the flip side I realize that the path is ahead and there is no time to stop now. My counselor exam is in a month and I am sooo not ready. I am going to have to cut social time back seriously. Failure is not an option. Never was and damn sure isn't now.
I have made the decision to pack up my life and move to California. The decision took me sometime to come to but when it was all said and done and set in my mind, I realized it was something I had to do. I have told my family and friends and while most of my friends are not happy about the decision, they have been at least mildly supportive. This year marks a decade of learning, experiencing and attempting to become a part of this lifestyle. I feel like I only started a year or two ago. I feel like if I am going to do this, I need to do this right or not do it at all. A couple weeks ago Orpheus told me he had talked to his girls and would like to put me in consideration. The first word out of my mouth was "Huh?" Smoooooth. In my mind I had hoped he would do such but I didn't think it was a possibility. I look at his girls and well...I don't look like them. I am trying to learn to stop second guessing myself. It's one of the qualities about myself that I truly loathe. Its amazing how in some aspects I love to toot my own horn and in others I cower. I have been browsing the myspace pages and all the girls over there look alike: black hair, dark eyes, stick straight bodies. Soooo I might stick out. But in times when I start to feel shy I like to remember that he chose me for a reason and the last thing I want to do is disappoint him. So when I get to feeling self conscious I inhale, exhale and suck it up...the best I can. I am heading out to CA next week and I am more nervous this time than I was the first time. Typical me. I am always nervous the second time. Maybe the fear of the unexpected over takes the fear the first time. But above all else, I am excited to go and anticipate the new life that is waiting for me on the other side of the country.
I have recently distanced myself from my local group. As much as I would love to jump in feet first and pitch in, I don't really have the energy to desire lately. They seem to have their own ideas of how things should be ran and have little concern for the ideas of others. To be frank, they have become "lame". There seems to be a rush to focus on the desires of one or two people and not the group on a whole. The Ex (E) is on the board now and has been preaching to me about not being active anymore. I don't have the time to waste on people who could much less give a damn about what I have to say. Part of me felt like I needed to make more of an effort to make up with him after C & G's trip but I can say lately I just don't care. Why bother? I think its my guilt complex. I hate for people to not like me. I gotta get over that too.
Speaking of people not liking me, I have had fantasies about cussing out G for a couple days now and I have realized that I do hold things in. I mean I feel good just thinking about the rant that would come out. But then again, logic pops in (every so often anyway) and I figure, whats the point? Well the fantasies make me feel good and besides, isn't that what they should do anyway?
Anywho....work awaits and so does my bed.
posted by J. | 10:08 PM
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