So..wow...ok.

So its been a pretty interesting day today and its one of those days where you feel like you need the next day off just so you can get your head back on straight. I had a pretty great weekend this past weekend. I spent the time with M and had a great time. As I was laying in bed with him on Sunday I started to wonder why it took so many years for us to have such a great time and here I was on the brink of starting up a new life across the country. Part of me started to feel guilty and about what, I am not sure. Maybe its the fact of knowing what I am leaving behind, and knowing I have no idea what I am walking into. Maybe its the fact that now my family refers to him as my boyfriend. I guess we played the part for so long it was only a matter of time. Maybe its the fact that for the first time my brother has said to me "He's ok, I like him". It's insane. I asked M what he was doing for 4th of July and he said he was going to DC to visit a female friend of him and her baby. She called Saturday night as well. I also spied the torn half of a movie ticket on his counter where he had gone to see a movie the other night. And while I was burning to ask who he had gone to see the movie with, because I know he didn't go alone, I didn't. I do feel better knowing he is starting to get out again. I so take credit for part of that. I will miss him and I hope that O will allow me to at least keep in touch and see how things are going with him.

Speaking of which I spoke with him today and told him about my weekend with M and I felt so completely embarrassed telling the intimate details of the weekend. That is something I have never been able to do without much stuttering and blushing. He asked me afterwards if I was still dedicated to coming out to CA and I said yes. I thought it was an interesting question and wondered if the relationship between M and myself made him question my desire to come out. And while I must admit, I have had my times of doubt I know its just a fear of the unknown. I am so completely freaked out about doing something new but I have to if I want to really embrace this lifestyle. He then asked me about being his roommate and the more he talked the more I realized that we were on different pages. I thought this was a temp thing until I could find a place but he was thinking more permanent. Needless to say I was taken back because I thought that a long term stay for me was out of the question. Actually I remember him telling me once that I should find my own place and ventures before he brought me into the family, which was fine by me. I must admit I am curious as to why the change in thought but I didn't ask. It was more of a want to know vs. a need to know question. He went through the house rules and they pretty much seemed to be just as I expected. My biggest concern is that I hope to have the opportunities to go out and see and do things on my own. I really want to establish my own friend base and activities.

At work on Friday we had a staff meeting and come to find out I have some of the highest numbers in the unit. I was stoked! One month out the gate and I have superman numbers. I loved the praise I was getting because it was just further proof that I was the superior candidate between another previous intern and myself. She might bake cookies but get the numbers...you know the stuff that counts. Add to that another great day at work and an email...a great email....I PASSED MY EXAM! What does that mean? I am the freakin best thing blowing through and the money is coming. I can't wait to get my career started.

The crazy part about all of this is that this isn't even the tip of the iceberg. There is alot to come. ALOT.

No sex?!

So its been a couple months since I have had sex. The last few times I have spent the night with M we have just watched movies and gone to bed. Nothing more than some cuddling and kisses. Last week at work I got so horny I tried to make myself cum in the bathroom but anyone who knows me knows I have a hard time being quiet. I kinda liked the idea of being dirty at work but it just wasn't working for me. And honestly I have been so busy the past couple of months to even think about having sex. However, now things have settled down and I am in a mood. Big time. Even to the point where I have been fantasizing about a friend of mine, who is a sub. Its kinda strange because I rarely..maybe never fantasize about women but part of me wants to dominate her. And what makes it worst is the fact that I am sure I could do just that. My best friend gets so frustrated with me because I won't claim the "bi-sexual" label but as time passes I am starting to wonder. Maybe I have been mentally blocking it. Not sure why. Another mystery for another day. Hopefully the upcoming weekend will be more promising. In the meantime, I'll just fantasize and wonder and ......hmm the bathroom is open.