New Direction

I have been threatening to close this blog for the last couple of years and yet I find myself inevitably coming back to it. I have found I have a need to write and express myself. I feel better when I get it out and leave it all on the floor. But I think I need a new direction with my blog. This blog was started to be a place to write my BDSM adventures. However as time passes, I want to write about more than the lifestyle. The lifestyle is slowly taking a back seat to other things in my life and well, I want to talk about those other things. So I am going to create a new blog! Yay! I am actually super excited about this one because it does give me the opportunity to really let the real J come out. I am still building it. I am so excited I can't even decide on a background..LOL. So my writing here will slow down significantly as I start on this new blog and new venture. I am starting my new year a little early :)

Vulnerable Me

I hate being so vulnerable...
So exposed to the world. To its nit-picking, and judging eyes and critical looks. I hate being being so ...open.

I am crazy and confused and complex. I curse too much and laugh too hard at bad jokes. I waste too much time dreaming and not enough time doing. I yell things I don't mean to people who don't deserve it and not enough at those who do. I don't apologize enough. I apologize too much. I ran away from my family only to miss them every day that I have been gone. I am too competitive and yet never seem interested in winning. I'm just me and I love me as much as I criticize everything about my being. And yet I find it all just a little too much to just step out and give you a piece of ....this...

I hate being so vulnerable...
I love my submission but fear becoming the scapegoat. I fear that this potpourri of me is more than either could stand and yet I constantly want to show and tell, run and hide, hide and seek.
And yet when I try to condense 10220 days of living into 2 or 3 sentences on a page, in a text, on an email, in my voice it seems there's nothing to tell.
So I leave it on the table. Everything. Leaving nothing to waste. It's unnerving how interesting he finds it all, or at least amusing.

I hate being so vulnerable...
But it's my best part. The most pure part of an already clouded mind and troubled soul. It's all I hope to give him, if fear would just take a back seat...for just a minuscule moment.

Just vulnerable me.

Nathaniel

I am a strong believer that God puts people in our lives for a distinct reason. I don't believe in mistakes. At least not on His end.

So it should come as no surprise to me that my co-worker Nathaniel is one of those people. We have always been very close, considering we are only 2 years apart as opposed to the ages of the other members on our team. People actually ask if there is something wrong when they don't see us together. When I started working for the company he was married. In fact, it was his wife who introduced us and me to the job. But they have since broken up and things have changed a bit between us. At least for me. He has really opened my eyes to the kind of man I have been desiring but not really looking for. He isn't in the lifestyle, but he is dominant through and through. And as time has started to pass he has made note of my submission. Our mornings usually start something like this:

Me: "I'm going to go get my breakfast"

Nathaniel: "Are you coming back here to eat with me?"

Me: "Would you like for me to do that?"

Nathaniel: "Yes."

Me: "Ok. Be right back."

I walk behind him. He opens my doors. He scratches my back. I sit at his desk simply because he tells me to sit there. Its odd, its uncomfortable, its refreshing. I don't feel the need to ask alot of questions. I don't feel like he lies. He wants a family, marriage...all the things I want. I feel so happy to be around him. He makes me feel ok about my relationship desires. I am just trying not to fall for him. And so far I don't think I have that worry. So yeah I am feeling pretty darn great.

Old Habits Die Hard

I saw a website today where you can make photo books and I thought to myself "He would love that!" I was so irritated at the idea that I would think of him immediately when looking at this book. How the hell could I think of a good gift idea for him?! Then today he put a poem online and I started to correct the spelling. Ahh fuck it. I gotta kick the habit.

Silence

One of the things I sometimes, often times, wonder is how different would things be for me here in CA if I had said nothing about how I was feeling in my last relationship. If I had just been silent and when he asked if anything was wrong given the standard "nothing" answer. While I don't suspect I would have been much happier, I would have at least had people to spend time with. I remember eons ago when Hunter had me to set up this blog he said I never said how I was feeling or what I was thinking. I have had few guys tell me that and it seems the one time I did it exploded like an atom bomb. Now normally I would say that is a one time experience but yesterday I realised that people really don't care to hear about how you "really" feel. I believe most people are only capable of having superficial discussions. They don't want to hear about how you feel about a real situation. Especially not on the matters of D/s. They are not interested in what I have to say as a sub because well, I am just a lowly sub. This was never more apparent than when I explained my desire to be with an educated man with a college degree and how it has been my life experience that those who don't have one cannot relate to nearly 7 years of my 28 year life. She said that was a "fucked up" thought to which I kinda had to laugh. Is it? Or it is just so honest it is difficult to hear? It's just like models who only want to date hot guys. Who is sitting around telling her its a "fucked up" thought? No fucking body. Because somehow, somewhere it was ok to discriminate on looks but not on intelligence. I even spoke about how I desired to go on a 10 day silent retreat to think about some issues I was having to which the reply was "Why do you need that" My first answer was to say "Because talking to you all has gotten me exactly no where so why not try something else" but why stir the pot. So I have decided from this day out to just shut up and shut down. Besides I looked at my mental health benefits and I figure I should be able to afford a decent psychologist if, when, the time is ready. I figure my next D/s relationship will resemble more of my past ones. I'll solve my conflicts on my own. How silly of me to expect a Dominant to do so. I'll keep my "fucked up" ideas between me, this blog and God. And maybe my college friends who would actually understand. It just seems like not talking for a while would be alot easier. My co-worker says he misses happy J and well that makes two of us. So starting today I am gonna fake it, til I make it. I guess that works right? I am eager to try to this out and see what happens from here out.

Change

So if I decide tomorrow is the first day of a new J (which is great because tomorrow is the end of day light savings time), then how will I change? What will I change? Wow those are big questions...

Concrete thoughts on abstract subjects

When I started this blog umteen years ago it was a chore, but somehow over the years has turned in to something I am happy I decided to keep. I made a mistake over 2 years ago by letting a former dominant read it, which in turn has caused me to censor what I say. I feel a need lately to have a safe place to really express myself and after many failed attempts in other venues, I find myself back here.

It's November and I couldn't be happier to see this clusterfuck of a year wrap up. I feel ready to start over in a way I don't think I ever have in past years. I feel stuck in a rut. I feel like I am in the world alone and I feel so utterly unhappy that I fear I may truly be diagnosed with depression. I feel like I fighting my unhappy feelings by forcing giggles and smiles but I am starting to see that many people are seeing through the facade. But then again, I don't think I care as much lately about hiding it either. I want to express my unhappiness to my local friends and they all seem to give me the "ohh just cheer up" or "you should be better". But what if I am not? Then what? I do miss my friends from NC. They seem to be able to relate and understand better. I miss home. I miss it so much in fact I am willing to move back as soon as I find a job that pays comparably. I feel like coming to CA was a mistake. Well some days I don't. Sometimes I feel like God sent me here for a reason and I keep waiting for the sign but I don't see it. I don't understand why I am here. When I broke up with O , I still had Sunshine and now that she has moved back in with them I feel more lonely than ever before. Its a deafening feeling. I want to tell people about my feeling but the truth is I don't think anyone cares. I am tired of being told what I should and should not feel. I feel bitter about O ignoring me. I have no idea why and he won't tell me. I feel like maybe I should attempt to not be a submissive but its hard to turn off. I feel like maybe I should seek counseling but I am afraid of meeting a therapist who will tell me that my desire for BDSM is some fucked up childhood thing. I want to go away for a while. I wonder if next year will be better. I feel like it couldn't be worst but I don't want to put it out in the world. I have gained almost 30 lbs this year. My knees are in pain almost constantly. My job is stressful. My God its moments like this when i wonder why I haven't ended this already.

Just another cool Kill Bill quote

As I lay in the back of Buck's truck, trying to will my limbs out of entropy, I could see the faces of the cunts that did this to me and the dicks responsible. Members all of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad. When fortune smiles on something as violent and ugly as revenge, it seems proof like no other, that not only does God exist, you're doing His will. - The Bride

Belated Regrets

It wasn't until months after the breakup that I realized that SHE was hurt too.

Looking back that is probably one of, if not the biggest, regret.