"I am looking forward to using you"

Those words made my body quiver as I rolled around in the bed this morning, listening to his voice on the other end of the phone.

So how did I get here? LOL Well it started about two days ago when for the upteenth time I had called D and got no answer. So, being the the bored mood I am at times I gave Eric a call and chatted with him for a while until I saw that D was beeping in on the other line. How wonderful is call waiting? I quickly rushed Eric off the phone and answered his call. I hate to admit it and I probably never will to him but his voice...ohh it does something to me! I am such a slut for a man with a sexy voice. He could be ugly physically or hell even spiritually but if he has a sexy voice I will be attracted to him in someway. But in any case we talked for a good long while. He asked for me to describe a fantasy that I wouldnt tell anyone else. Something that was deep and dark and so I did. I won't tell it here of course. After I finished I heard him say in a husky voice "That's beautiful Jessica". It really made me blush. I was surprised the next morning to get a text message from him, followed by a few more during the course of the day. It is funny to go from no contact to damn near hourly. I invited him to go with my on my trip for New Years which so far, he has agreed to. I don't believe it will go through but for now, the thought of what could be is absolutely exciting. It's easy to fall in too deep, too quickly with a man like him. The one you fantasize about night after night. But I am also a realist. (As if you all didn't know that..LOL) And I realize that I have to see the situation for what it is, as it is. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see anything that compares to the leggy and attractive date he had at the party. However, I realize the extent and depth of my submissiveness captures the attention of many men. But in any case I want him. I want to serve him. Even if for just one night. I have so much more to this story but for the first time, in a long time I feel like holding back and holding my breath. For a little while...

Training me? Training me!

So the last couple of weeks have been a real bitch.

Classes and exams have officially ended for me but I still have classwork to finish. Hopefully tomorrow will be my last day on campus until 2007. I am tired and drained out and each day I find that my irritation and sarcasm is growing by the hour. I do believe I am at a point where I could tell the people at my job to go and fuck themselves. Co-workers and customers included. So I am realizing that at this point what I need is a serious vacation and it is coming, just not soon enough. And as if stress and exhaustion weren't enough, depression decides to make a come back. Nothing sucks more than wanting the attention of a man and not getting it. At all. Nope. Not one bit. Well I take that back. I get the attention of those who I am not seeking. Which is normally those who are trying to get in my pants. Throw in the fact that I am also horney and trying to keep my legs closed long enough to keep from making another stupid mistake and you get one miserable woman. I hate when I get into these moods because then I start to fall into a pattern of self doubt and start picking myself apart. I have always been my own worst enemy. I have decided to be more active in contacting men who have interesting profiles and so far its only led to couple men who I have idle chit chat with, one who only calls when he is horny and another one who is interested in meeting me next week for "play time". YAWN. Yeah. And of course those who I do talk with more regularly only see me as a friend or have become inconsistant and I am starting to lose interest. I had made plans to see Alfred this weekend but he is sick. I am starting to get the feeling that I may be dodging a bullet by having extra time to think about this training plan. The more I think about it, the more I shy away from the idea. I guess the idea of being bound to a man for a year simply for the sake of training seems like an uneven trade. I have been dying to talk to D but he hasn't bothered to return my calls. Or rather I will call and he will say he will call back later and doesn't. He said he has been busy. Trying to imagine anyone being more busy than myself is almost mindblowing. I guess I should take the hint before I make a fool of myself. Again. So I have spent the past few days picking myself apart again, trying to find where I messed up. What about me is so unappealing and unattractive.

But sometimes when you are on the verge of driving yourself insane, God jumps in with a lil help. Mine has come in the form of a skinny white guy who I will call M. (gotta love the initials!) M is an absolute doll. He is in grad school like myself and is a sub and a delightful conversationist. He's sarcasm goes toe to toe with my own, even sometimes stumping me. He has even been kind enough to find some training materials online and help me to find ways to present myself better in crowds. I am really looking forward to meeting him in the next couple of weeks. I can only imagine the meeting we would have. He said something to me one night that has stuck in my head. He asked me what was the difference between myself and a Dominant. I laughed and said I don't know. He said the difference is that I am a submissive with or with out a Dominant. But a Dominant isn't so without a submissive to dominate. Now I have thought of that the other way around, that I was not a sub without a Dominant to serve. He also told me to use my attractiveness as "currency" to buy time with a Dominant. TeeHee. He said I was attractive.

So that is my plan. I am attempting to see if I can train myself and smooth out my rough edges. I guess I will start tomorrow but withholding the urge to tell someone to "fuck off" when they get on my nerves. It's a start right?