Fear

Fear is a condition that I have come to find that I operate under quite frequently these days. It's very frustrating as its something I would love to eventually grow out of. And I am confident that I will. Its just that perhaps I am not doing so as quickly as I would like to. I started thinking about fear the other day when I went with Daddy to the mall to pick out a necklace to serve as T.'s permanent collar. He is going to have a collaring ceremony for her this summer. It's quite a big event. Akin to a small wedding as he described it. I glanced at the jewelry case and saw a necklace I would love to have as my own collar one day. He was so excited about the necklace he picked out and continually thanked me for it all day. I was happy that he was so happy. I started to try on the necklace I liked for myself but handed it back to the salesman saying it probably wouldn't fit. I was afraid I would start crying. I started to get the overwhelming feeling that I would never have my own ceremony. Every time I mention it, I make light of it. It makes it easier to express. And more importantly, easier for others to listen to. Its a real and true fear of mine. Sometimes I find myself sitting and wondering if Daddy would see me as the type he would like to collar one day. But then sometimes I have to ask myself..."is this where you see yourself long term?" I am not sure. I am not even sure where I see myself by Christmas. Long term doesn't have the same meaning anymore. Its the empty promise I have gotten a million times but fulfilled none. I don't bother with it anymore. I am happy for now, and that seems to be sufficient. As time passes and things progress, I have a fear of the next woman, the one who might indeed complete the circle. Sometimes I really worry that once he permanently collars T. he won't have time for me. Sometimes I think about how to respond to that. How to get out. The last thing I want to do is get left again. I have made up my mind that this time I will leave first.

My fear carries over into other parts of my life...into school and work, friendships, etc. I am afraid that I won't be financially secure. I am afraid that I will graduate school next year and be unemployed. I am afraid the hair loss I am starting to experiment is only the tip of the iceberg. (let me tell you...that sucks) And hell it could be PMS, who knows. Probably. Or maybe its just all the results of a series of very unfortunate events. So how do you get around these things? How do you learn to trust other people? More importantly, how do I learn to trust myself?

I feel like I have more to add but I am tired and my thoughts are jumping all everywhere. I guess that's a clue its bedtime.