Dark Days and Bright Nights

To describe what my life is like lately would be CHAOTIC!!!

Here it is, the last 30-some days before graduation. I figured that by this point in the semester I should be happy and bubbly and excited. And well I am! But I am also panicked and brimming with anxiety. I have had more mini-anxiety attacks in the last month than I have had in the last couple of years. I haven't been getting much sleep lately and I am hoping to make it in bed before 11:30 pm. Inevitably I will find something else to work on, do, pull out, etc. My mind is constantly thinking, and going, trying to keep up with the next great thought. Yesterday while speaking on the phone with the lady from the job interview in California, she expressed her desire to hire me and wait as long as would be necessary for me to move out there. I was in a bit of shock. I knew she liked me but a formal offer?! I was about ecstatic and at the same time, scared shitless. I don't have an excuse now. I feel so torn. Its so easy to see what I will miss when I leave here but not so easy to see what I may or may not be gaining. The long look on my daddy's face and my brother's quiver voice are almost enough to make me want to call the lady up and say "Thanks, but no thanks". I almost feel like crying. Not because I am sad but rather because I feel like it might relieve some tension in my mind. The scariest part is the move. Seeing if I am able to afford the moving costs and the costs of finding an apartment, getting utilities turned on, etc. But I am most certainly a survivor and know I will make do. I'll be ok and I know that much in my heart, I just need to believe it.