Endings and Beginnings

"Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning" -Winston Churchill

So nearly 6 months after this short but intense tale began, it has just as intensely ended. So here I am, back to my writings. The past week has not been an easy one for me in the least. I have cried everyday and much to my own dismay, contemplated suicide, to the point of forming a plan, twice. I am at home alone and they are gone to to the BDSM activities I so desperately wish to join them in but I am ashamed. I am ashamed for others to see me collarless once again. Perhaps I am truly a horrible submissive. I even wonder if I am really a dominant and I just want to be submissive. In any case, my relationship is over and I am hurting above and beyond what I am used to. I am praying that this all gets better in time. It has to. I don't suppose I really have a choice. I am having trouble with understanding why this is happening. I am having trouble with being happy knowing that all that I know of this new place is about to be pulled from under me. I am having trouble with looking him in the face and offering him a smile when the only thing I want to do is cry. I hate that I have cried every night for the past week and even more so that I know that within the next few weeks it will not be much different. At this point I am pretty much rambling. I haven't had many coherent thoughts in a while and truth be told if I had one, I would probably be confused by it. (now that kinda makes me smile). I am going to add more to this later...when I get my thoughts together.