1 am mental musings

Wow I have really got to get back into the habit of writing more often. Nothing much has changed. I am still working my temp job and quickly growing impatient with my new job. Unfortunately my new boss seems frazzled and disorganized. A letter is what is keeping me from my move and each day he doesn't "receive it" I become more and more irritated. In fact so irritated to the point that if I don't hear something soon I am going to accept another offer. I am also irritated with my lawyer who does not return phone calls and is taking an unreasonably long time to settle my personal injury case. Friday was a productive day for me but I was highly irritated with the number of calls I got from people who were having mini-crises due to the up coming holiday. I ended up leaving early because the more they went on the more I wanted to tell them to get off their asses and stop using their conditions as a crutch. Add to that daddy's car is broke and I feel like all of a sudden I am obligated to give up my free time to ride my brother around town. Then today when I ask for gas money he looks to me and says "Are you serious?" At $3.89 a gallon I am as serious as a damn heart attack. Then when I asked momma to do the driving today because I was tired she goes "I know what you mean" I just looked at her and laughed and asked if she was seriously trying to compare the driving she does in a week (1 mile to work) to what I do in a week (80 miles round trip). She amazes me sometimes with her need to be the person in the worst shape. It's a running joke in our family now. No matter how bad your situation is, she is will try to one up you and make hers worst. I kinda want some quiet time. I went to M's house last night while he was at work and watched TV and took a nap. I really appreciate it when he lets me stay in the house. I miss my solitude so much at times. I really just want to go and spend some time with him and watch TV and maybe get a pizza. I don't want to do the dinner and a movie thing like we usually do. I just wanna curl up on the sofa and be a bum.

As time has been passing I have been becoming more and more anxious about my move. Some days I move to the point of wanting to back out. O said that he wants me to settle in first before he brings me into the relationship. I think that is a very sweet and responsible move. Yet part of me is worried, like he might not be really sure about me. It's hard to get to know me and I am sure for the girls its even harder. But I am going to jump out there and try. Fear and worry have a way of finding their way into my thoughts and dreams. I had a dream I moved and got dumped pretty much within days of getting there. But I know all it is is the past sneaking up and trying to get me. I have to learn to block the negative thoughts. I have to learn that I am not going to let fear stop me. I believe in myself more now than I have in years so no need to waste all of that on unfunded doubts. Everyday I try and everyday I have succeeded.

I just found out that my daddy joined a church. I was pretty amazed by the news but extremely proud of him. It might not be the popular move with the family but he is doing what he needs to do to be ok with himself, with or without us. To me, that is a huge move and an inspiring one. Truth be told, when I move I will miss him and my best friend the move. He inspires me everyday to be do and be great things. I wish everyone could be so lucky.