No more pomp, only circumstance
This is a post I put up on my Yahoo 360 page on May 14, 2008. I am adding it here because yahoo is unpredictable and I am afraid they might lose it.
Tonight I cut a piece off of what is left of my graduation cake, the red table cloth that lined the table was missing today. The "congrats" banner was gone and the cap and gown that hung immaculately from my bedroom door to keep it from being wrinkled is now in a ball on my living room chair. It was as if in a moment I realized that the day, the one day that culminated 2 years, 5 semesters and over $20,000 in scholarships and loans, was over. There's no more songs of praise, no more anticipation, no more parties and galas. My academic career is officially over. And while I am very happy to be able to pronounce those words to the world a part of me feels...dead. I have been in school, non stop since I was 4 years old. I have been a student my entire life. Now 72 hours later, I find that a part of my identity died the moment I walked across the stage with my brand new diploma cover. It's a shock to my system and I feel like I should mourn. I feel the need to return to school. Not really because I want to or need to but simply because it is comfortable and familiar. I have always been behind a desk and while I still am the person on the other side is certainly not a teacher. They are not the authority, I am. The shiny new frame that will adorn my office walls will declare me an authority or at least knowledgeable enough to find one. And honestly when you dwell on that fact that in a matter of hours I have gone from being a student to a teacher, its quite mind-blowing. Add to that the fact that I am about to embark on a new life and career in a place I am unfamiliar with. How easy it would be to stay here, go back to school and finish my doctorate and be close to family. How easy would that be? How comfortable would that be? Perfectly so. But more than the unfamiliarity, more than the discomfort, more than the lamination of the death of my role as a "student" is the fear of being complacent and routine. I fear boredom. I fear being mediocre. I fear being a number, a face, a person in the crowd. I never want to be the after-thought. I regularly force myself to go out and do more and be more. I forced myself to continue my education, to take an internship out of town, to step out into a lifestyle on my own with no vanilla friends to walk with me and everyday I thank God for my opportunities because I believe they have made me a better person and a more well-rounded human being. And while I am hardly a religious woman I find that lately I cling tighter to my faith than ever before. I let the Father guide me and I go where He leads. I am about as lost and confused as my clients but I am ok. I come from a good family and I am blessed to have my health, mentally and physically. So tonight I will mourn my former role and reminder like with any death, to carry only the good memories with me and luckily I have plenty.
Tomorrow is truly the first day of the rest of my life.
Tonight I cut a piece off of what is left of my graduation cake, the red table cloth that lined the table was missing today. The "congrats" banner was gone and the cap and gown that hung immaculately from my bedroom door to keep it from being wrinkled is now in a ball on my living room chair. It was as if in a moment I realized that the day, the one day that culminated 2 years, 5 semesters and over $20,000 in scholarships and loans, was over. There's no more songs of praise, no more anticipation, no more parties and galas. My academic career is officially over. And while I am very happy to be able to pronounce those words to the world a part of me feels...dead. I have been in school, non stop since I was 4 years old. I have been a student my entire life. Now 72 hours later, I find that a part of my identity died the moment I walked across the stage with my brand new diploma cover. It's a shock to my system and I feel like I should mourn. I feel the need to return to school. Not really because I want to or need to but simply because it is comfortable and familiar. I have always been behind a desk and while I still am the person on the other side is certainly not a teacher. They are not the authority, I am. The shiny new frame that will adorn my office walls will declare me an authority or at least knowledgeable enough to find one. And honestly when you dwell on that fact that in a matter of hours I have gone from being a student to a teacher, its quite mind-blowing. Add to that the fact that I am about to embark on a new life and career in a place I am unfamiliar with. How easy it would be to stay here, go back to school and finish my doctorate and be close to family. How easy would that be? How comfortable would that be? Perfectly so. But more than the unfamiliarity, more than the discomfort, more than the lamination of the death of my role as a "student" is the fear of being complacent and routine. I fear boredom. I fear being mediocre. I fear being a number, a face, a person in the crowd. I never want to be the after-thought. I regularly force myself to go out and do more and be more. I forced myself to continue my education, to take an internship out of town, to step out into a lifestyle on my own with no vanilla friends to walk with me and everyday I thank God for my opportunities because I believe they have made me a better person and a more well-rounded human being. And while I am hardly a religious woman I find that lately I cling tighter to my faith than ever before. I let the Father guide me and I go where He leads. I am about as lost and confused as my clients but I am ok. I come from a good family and I am blessed to have my health, mentally and physically. So tonight I will mourn my former role and reminder like with any death, to carry only the good memories with me and luckily I have plenty.
Tomorrow is truly the first day of the rest of my life.
posted by J. | 1:23 AM
1 Comments:
oh my god. I so know how you feel. I go through the University here all the time and pine for it every time I do. I miss school so bad.
Congratulations! I haven't seen you in forever, and I just read on the SI board about your leaving. *tight hugs* Good luck with everything! And I'm still right here reading!
xx
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