Is my living in vain?

"Is my living in vain?
Is my giving in vain?
Is my singing in vain?
Is my praying in vain?

No, of course not.

It's not all in vain,
Because up the road is eternal gain."

One more day and I will be on a plane headed back to my home state. I never thought there would be a day when I would be so happy to head back to NC.

The last couple of days have been better. Still there are times when I see, hear or think something that causes my eyes to water but I have not shed full on tears in nearly 5 days. I suppose its better than nothing.

I have felt remarkably better since the day I had my talk with him. He used that counselor voice that I used to despise in college yet it did calm me. I felt safe there, talking to him and voicing my thoughts, opinions and feelings without the fear of being barked at. It was a nice change. And once I was done I felt like a weight had been lifted off me. He said that this journey I have been on has truly been unorthodox and that I am justified in my feelings of hurt, disappointment and sadness. And you know, that's all I really wanted. I just wanted someone to validate my feelings and not discount them as mindless female rantings. I must admit there is a twinge of fear in this comfort with this man. I wanted to be close to him. He reminded me of my old professor from college. And even for a moment I wanted to have sex with him. Not that he is a sexy person but rather there was an intimate closeness in this therapy session that has been missing from my life for some time now. I didn't want to be like those clients who call their therapist constantly looking for validation in their life but I admit there is some excitement in seeing him. I just want to sit at his feet....

I am so busy between apartment hunting and packing for my trip that my mind feels like at any time it might blow! I can't wait to get to my hotel and just lay on the bed and chat with my very best friend in the world. I can't wait to see my parents again. And my brothers...and aunts! And of course my dog and cat. I can't wait to see my guys again. I can't wait to be around my "gays". I can't wait to see old friends who would have me recant stories of "white girl Katie" from college or the days when we all met back in middle school. I can't wait to be in a place where being me, is ok.

I can't wait to be happy again....