Motherless Child

"Sometimes I feel like a motherless child. A long, long way from home..."

The days seem to simultaneously get easier and harder. I feel safe at work, despite the frustration of being around people who seem upset that I have found a better paying job. However, I almost hate to go home. I find myself packing my evenings with as many activities as possible in order to keep from coming straight home. I have decided to put on my brave face and deal with things as they may. Last night was the first night I didn't cry in over a week. Last night I sat in the bed beside him while he held his stomach from eating something that didn't agree with him. I should have left him alone to wallow in the pain but I didn't. I rubbed his back. I tried to make him feel better. I felt foolish again. He wasn't there to rub my back when I cried. Perhaps that's what makes us different. I am still here, still trying. And while I truthfully want to hate myself for it, I can't because its one of the parts of me that I still find redeemable and worthwhile during this whole debacle. I have felt a huge blow to my self esteem and its one I can honestly say I have never really experienced. I feel like I have been a poison in his life. He looks me in the eyes and says that he is hurting. And all I do is think, "How much must it hurt if it hurts more to have me than to let me go?" I am not sure what my future here in California looks like but its a scary one. I still desire him. I still want to be his and to be owned by him. However I am keenly aware of whats happened. We looked at horoscopes to day and he jokingly said "Let me see who I am going to get to replace you". His words cut deep but I kept my brave girl smile on my face. I figured the argument wasn't worth it for me anymore. I have gotten several emails from people in the community asking about my well being and I must admit, I am floored! It means the world to me that someone would care to ask about my well being. I was checking a bdsm website I frequent and saw an eloquent post he made in regard to this collar he made the the Domme in his family. I felt a sharp pang of jealousy. I wondered why he never made such proclamations to me. I try not to dwell on these things but unfortunately I have too much time to think these days. I have been questioning my submission. I have been questioning my attractiveness. I have been questioning my worth. Its a hard, hard time for me and one that I am certain of will change my life permanently. I am trying to focus on the positives that are coming. I have a great job lined up, I am moving in to a new place and I am trying to get myself in a better place, mentally and physically. I wonder if anyone will want me after this. I wonder if they will look at me and think "If she couldn't work with them, what good would she be to me?" I thank God everyday for sunshine. She was my champion and spoke up for me when I couldn't speak up for myself. How do you repay friendship like that? I don't know but I will be doing it for a long time and with great pleasure. Part me of keeps thinking...hoping...he will change his mind but my observations (which may be a bit skewed) show me he has moved on, ready to find my "replacement". But I am strong. At least I like to think I am. At least I used to be. I hate that I wasn't more open and honest with my feelings. I hate that it took me so long to get over my homesickness and fears. But I am sure there is a plan in all of this. I am sure its a better place for me to be someday, some where.

But in the mean time, I paint my big girl face on and keep trudging toward a better day...
a better place....
somewhere where I belong...
a home....