Fear of Living

So I have finished moving into my new place and I am very happy to be here. In fact I have been so inspired with decorating ideas that I am almost overly anxious to get back to IKEA to pick up my new items. My life has been this almost unbearable cycle of happiness and saddness. I wish I could find a hole to hide in until my mind and soul had decided which way it wants to go. I am happy to have my new job and even more happier once I have come to realize just how much extra income I have to make some dreams a reality. I am happy to have my new place and have a place where I feel comfortable having my friends and family come and visit and stay in. However I am saddened that lately he has decided to not talk to me. He barely says hello. He doesn't answer my calls and maybe here and there will answer a text message. I went back to the house and noticed that they had moved their things into my old room the same day I moved out. It was as if they couldn't wait for me to move. It was as if I never existed. I have said I am sorry to the point of where I am sick of the phrase but he still seems disinterested in me or my existence. I feel like he hates me. In fact I would be willing to bet money on it. I don't know what I did or what happened but whatever it is, it has felt me not only alone but in a constant state of mild depression. I think of everything. I cry frequently. I have nightmares and sometimes can't sleep. I casually think of new ways to kill myself, the newest way being causing a wreck on the freeway. For some reason I have always figured that would be the way I would die anyway. Truth be told, I am not well. I know it and I feel some shame in it. I should be able to fix myself. I went to school for this. But this is not a normal situation. I don't live a normal life. He is in Sunshine's room with her. In what odd turn of life did I think that my ex-boyfriend would be coming over to spend time with my roommate and ignoring me as if he didn't know who I am? In what turn of life did I think that I would live this and think that it was some healthy way of healing? I am not ok. I wish other people knew. I wish they cared. The only 2 things that keep me from pulling a knife on myself (which is one of my frequent thoughts) is my parents and the fear that I would not die -- that I would live and have to go through it again but this time with the label of being certifiably crazy. How could this journey take me to this place? I am going to see my psychologist friend tomorrow. I decided to get serious about my therapy. I really don't have alot go choices now. I just want some to hold me and to care. I am so alone now.

Who's Gonna Save My Soul

Who's Gonna Save My Soul? By Gnarls Barkley

Got some bad news this morning
Which in turn made my day
When this someone spoke, I listened
All of a sudden, has less and less to say.

Oh, how could this be?
All this time, I've lived vicariously

Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
How will my story ever be told now?
How will my story be told now?

Made me feel like somebody
Like somebody else
Although he was imitated often
Felt like I was being myself

Is it a shame that someone else's song
Was totally and completely depended on

Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
I wonder if I'll live to grow old now
Getting high cause I feel so low down

And maybe it's a little selfish
All I have is the memory
Yet I never stopped to wonder
Was it possible you were hurtin' worse than me?

Still my hunger turns to greed
Cause what about what I need?

And oh

Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Oh I know I'm out of control now
Tired enough to lay my own soul down

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Funny thing is that is the question I have been wondering for many days and weeks now. Who is gonna save my soul? Who is gonna save me....

from myself....

Lions, Tigers and Bears (song of the moment 1)

Lions, Tigers and Bears by Jazmin Sullivan

I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears (no I'm not)
But I'm scared of (loving you)
I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair (that's right)
But I'm scared of (loving you)
Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task
Why it don't last? Is that too much to ask?
Why do we love Love,
When Love seems to hate us?

Sorry if I sound so filled with gloom.
You say you care, and I know you do...
But this is from my experience
And my conclusion only makes sense.
Just cause I love you, and you love me
It doesn't mean that we're meant to be.
I can climb mountains, swim cross the seas
But the most frightening you and me.

[Chorus]

Most circumstances, I know my fate
But in this love thang, I don't get the game.
Why does it feel like those who give in,
They only wind up losing a friend.
Just cause I love you and you love me,
It doesn't mean that we'll ever be.
Fly cross the ocean, sing for the queen
But the most frightening thing is you and me.

[Chorus]

I'm sure though I'm not sure
But if we never try, We'll never know
It's better to have loved then not to loved at all.
Not trying is worse than to stumble and fall
And if we do, I'd rather it be with you
Cause at least there will be sweet memories.
Oh I'm not scared...

I hate him

I think I hate him.

He doesn't talk to me anymore. He barely even looks at me. He acts as if I don't exist. I come in and say "hello" and he ignores me. He looks at the TV or at his phone. He works on his projects or has side conversations and intentionally ignores me. I called him today and he didn't answer his phone. I know it was on purpose. It hurts my feels so much that he has chosen to act this way. I asked him one night if he was mad at me and his response was "No, not at all". I want to scream at him. I want him to stand up and be honest and say whats on his mind. I figure at this point there isn't much more he could say that could be more hurtful. One day I knelt at his feet and told him I missed him. I told him I would be happy to serve him again if he wanted me. He said "ok". He asked for the collar back after he sent me home with it. I thought things were turning around. I thought we had a chance. But now we are strangers living in a home together. I am ignored so I leave the house and stay over night where ever I can find a place. I will be moving in a week and I can't wait. The more time passes the more irritated I feel. I don't understand him and I am sure he doesn't understand me either. I miss him but I am starting to feel like I am free...free to be me again.

I don't know if I hate him but I do know that after all of this, I hate that I still love him.