Trust, Respect and Obedience

I went to an amazing presentation this weekend about love and the D/s dynamic. The main message of the presentation was that Trust, Respect and Obedience are needed to maintain a healthy D/s relationship. As the presenter gave her views on the subject, I started to really do some self thought and evaluation on my last relationship and how these values played a role. She stated that without trust there is no respect and no level of communication can fix that. I realized that once I no longer trust someone I don't respect them. My trust was damaged and there was unfortunately no turning back after that. One thing I hope to learn is to try harder to trust people after I don't trust them anymore. I tend to write a person off without really trying to patch up my hurt feelings. I know its one of my many defense mechanisms. I don't want to continue locking my heart and feelings up so tightly when I am hurt. She also spoke of how dominants can feel humiliated by things that can happen when a submissive loves them. I remember hearing him tell me he felt humiliated and it was such a painful moment. It's not something I am proud of. Not sure it is something I will ever live down. I also allowed myself to admit to the fact that I did...I do love him. And that's ok. It is ok to love people. Its ok to love when that love isn't returned. But it doesn't mean that I should continue to let my feelings cause me to feel guilty for things I am not sure I should feel guilty for. Part of me feels like all of this is a training to help me for when the man who I am supposed to be with comes into my life. I want to be more trusting and when I don't trust I want to try harder and realize I am, we are, humans. I want to be more mindful in my submission. I never, ever, want to hear a man say that he felt humiliated. So I am quite happy I attended this presentation. It brought to light things I have been avoiding thinking about. I can't continue to deny that I am a natural submissive and I am ready to let go of some old baggage, bad feelings, and bad habits. I hate it took so much to get here but I guess this is my lesson to learn. I needed to learn to trust more....to give respect where is earned and given and to obey, not just Him but the dynamic that I so deeply desire to belong to.

The only constant is change...

So many changes are happening right now. I am a flitter of emotions. I am happy, scared, excited, sad....all in one. But I am ready to make changes I have been delaying for one reason or another. I knew when I started this year that THIS year would be the year when things changed...when I was going to start making some real important decisions about the life I want to lead. So far that has rang true. Some changes I was aware of and others not so much. I spend alot of time thinking to myself and hopefully soon I hope to get back to writing more. For now I am living in the moment....dreaming of what life will look like year from now.

P.S. I saw one of the most attractive red haired men I have ever seen in my life. Just gorgeous...*adds redheads to my fetish list*